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i wonder if anyone actually reads these things...i think not...but idk..im not sure...i have this strange feeling like they are getting read...but im not that sure.....anyways if these are getting read then im so terribly sorry to bore you with my pathetic and foolish life...my stupid and foolish pain,words,emotions..whatever you want to call all these writings....i dont even write them creatively anymore...i used to write my pain into poems that had my pain hidden in them in a way...but now i ..i just write them as it is..kindof..i dont say it all..just a part of my pain....because i need to get the words out of my head..at least for a little bit..because even writing them doesnt stop them...the words will eventually come back....but still i must try to get them away....i cant write my pain on paper because if...if someone sees it..like my mom or sister..or some other family person..then i'll surely be sent to a therapist...i dont want therapy....i cant tell someone my problems...i cant just walk into a room to a complete stranger and say "hey this is my pain. what are you going to do to fix it?" i cant!...i cant even do that to someone i know...i tried once to let someone close to me..but it failed...in the end my pain made her see lies...thinking i have suicidal tenedencies....that im depressed...well the truth is thats a lie! im not suicidal! and im not depressed! just because someone wants to die...it doesnt mean they are suicidal..i know if anyone is actually reading this your probably saying yes it does....but it might to you..but to me..to me its not...its not because i have a reason..a purpose to why i want death...i wanted death...*hesitates*..i wanted death when i was just a little girl...how twisted i must be ..huh?...but i have my reasons...and i wont say them here...just because i dont know if these do get read...in case it does...i dont want others to know...but maybe some of you can guess my reason..if have read my other writings...i wanted death because i needed to know..i needed to know what it was like...now i dont mean i needed to know what death was like..but i thought if i died...then i would understand...understand what it was like to ..to ...to have one...to have*a tear rolls down my face*...i wanted death because i needed to know the answer to my question...what is it like to have ____ in my life...i still dont know that answer...now im sorry if this makes you think im suicidal....that im depressed...just becasue a person cuts themselves...carves words into their arms.."kill me" (on right arm)..."dead inside"(on left arm)...it..it doesnt mean they are suicidal...or depressed...unless you talked to the person and they say they are then you cant judge them with..with those words..those titles..saying they are...and that you know their pain....no one can honestly say i know your pain...not unless they tell you their pain..or your a mind reader.....i once had a friend tell me they were jealous of me..of my life..well pieces in it...i was shocked i couldnt believe her words....my life?! my life is awful and it sucks..there isnt one really good thing in it...sure i have some things in it that idk..are nice..like my animals...but i couldnt believe those words...i wanted to tell her this...if your jealous of my life..then you can take it! because i dont want it..i never wanted it!..i never wanted life to begin with..let alone the one i have....my life is not worth having...this pain..its not worth having...if you are jealous of it...then take it!..i wont fight for it..i'll hand it to you on a platter...maybe then you would finally understand me....and my words..and my actions...maybe then you would see that the pain i have isnt depression..maybe then you will understand my pain..the abuse i get everyday...both phsyical and mentially...the pain of death..having it always around you..every year losing more you love and care about...seeing the cemetary get piled so high with every death...imagining things...seeing things that aren't there...that cant possible be there...knowing your dieing...feeling your body shut down...and there is nothing you can do to stop it..not that i want to...but seeing those who still breathe around me...seeing them die..when they havent...imagining the worset..panicing that when you see a body seeming so still...fearing the worset..thinking the person/animal is dead...panicing when you cant find someone that should be there..thinking oh gosh they are hurt or dead...and so much more pain i must deal with....if you want it so badly then just take my life..then you can understand me and my actions and my reasons and why i want death...then you will see how i see life,death,this earth,see people around me....see the things that aren't there.....but i would never let you take my life...because i would never ask for such an awful,horrible thing on anyone....even someone who hurt me so badly...that caused much pain inside me.....i wouldnt be able to bare the guilt of giving my life..handing it over to someone else...even though i said i would above...i know i could never go through with it.....but if i did.....then maybe for the first time you would see clearly...and that i would finally be understood.........i wonder if that day will ever happen....i mean a day when someone will understand me.....but to let that happen....that means i have to let them in...i have to share my pain.....and i cant burden someone with that.....burden someone with my pathetic,foolish,hopeless,stupid,whatever you want to call it....with my pain...........
oh dang i got so off topic...i just wanted to say i wonder if anyone reads this and i talk about all of that...geesh...i need help....meaning need to stop getting off topic all the time...anyways if anyone read this im so terribly sorry to bore you with all this garabage...yes im calling my words garabage because they are my words are crap...though true...they still are crap....but i doubt anyone would read this...my hopeless words....but i cant get this feeling to stop..this feeling like someone keeps reading these journal entries....if someone is then stop..because i dont want to burden anyone with my foolish words...pain...emotions....life....pick whatever word..it will fit...i hope no one reads these words...like i started saying before i cant write them on paper for someone might find it...i cant have it written in microsoft for my files get read....so here is the only place i can have them...for though my family know about this site they dont know about the journal..that it has something like that....so they can never read my words......i wish they could be private and just i knew about them....but they cant...anyways...though i hope they arent read..i still feel they are..even though i said in that thing i said dont read this..i feel no one listened to it....oh well i guess..... -_-