I don't know how I do it. It's a gift. Or a curse. I prefer to think it's a curse.
I hurt people. I don't mean to... I do it... I can't sleep... I can't stop crying... and I can't stop being.
I'm reminded of all the times in my life tonight that I just want to rewind and get a better perspective of things. Why was it that I didn't do something that correct way?
I blame it all on myself. I haven't learned anything. No matter how strong I think I am, or how strong I think my body is... my mind... my soul... I'm really fragile. I'm weak. I'm flawed and pointless.
I remember my cousin and I see his laughing face. I remember how jovial he was and how full of life and promise he was. He had so many friends and was so bright. He was a genius actually. He was going to go to college full ride wherever he wanted to go. He would have been accepted anywhere. He died. It was sudden. He didn't get to say goodbye. That was many years ago when I was younger. I believe I was 15. My grandmother died two years later. The one I was close to. She died quickly. I didn't get to say goodbye. My first love died in the same year. He killed himself. I don't know the rhyme or reason. I have some thoughts. He didn't tell me about it. He was just gone one day after we hadn't been able to see each other in a while. I don't know if it was because we couldn't be together or if it was something else. I know it had to be something else. I'm not worth such things. He died, I cried.... and I turned inward. I didn't talk to anyone. I didn't even talk to my brother, my sister, my mother, or my father. I remember that now. That's when I didn't want to get close to anyone else again. I didn't want to hurt again.... Things wouldn't be that smooth. There were more lessons from the cruel teacher.
That's when I tried to live in the now. How it was starting to make sense, but I still hadn't learned my lesson apparently.
I've heard it said once that life is the cruelest teacher. She first gives you your test and then afterward the lesson. It's so true. I hurt tonight like I did all those times and more.
My sister was the most grievous loss to me. This happened on December 1st. 2004. She had developed cancer just as my mother had. Breast cancer. My mother had overcome it and is still in remission today. I hope to whatever is out there that my mother will remain okay. What's worse... I had still not learned to live in the moment. It eluded me. I was still a bit off and afraid to connect. I was afraid of hurting. My sister and I were very close. When it came time for her to die she even gave me warnings. She was reaching out to me and she didn't want me to worry. She didn't want to spell it out. In the end, she did.... Weeks before she died she had even told me that her doctors had finally told her she had a 0% chance of living with her spreading cancer. It was in her spine, her bones, everywhere. I was in denial. I didn't go to the hospital when she went in. I didn't believe it was happening. I could have, but I didn't say goodbye. I didn't say goodbye! God I miss her. I miss her so much right now. She was the bravest person I know. Even to the end she was planning her treatments and would not let her doctors tell her how things were going to happen. She told them. She was going to take care of children you know. Child psychology. She wanted to help kids like me. Kids that had been beaten up and raped as a child. She would have been marvelous at it. She helped me so much. Kristal, I love you and miss you. I'm sorry that I continue to be a disappointment. I'm sorry I wasn't there to say goodbye. You must have been so disappointed in me as you lay there.
I still haven't learned my lesson....
My brother is dying... He's addicted to god knows what. Probably everything. His doctors say his brain is deteriorating.... He's been in rehab.... that didn't really help. I'm in denial. He tells me everything is alright. He knows I couldn't take it. Deep down I know what's happening and I'm afraid. I'm afraid to go home and be with him. I'm afraid he's going to die. I'm afraid. I'm a scared little boy.
I hurt people on what seems an everyday basis. Now I've hurt some very special boys. They are both marvelous and full of promise. I've ruined it all. They hurt because of me. I am not worth such suffering.
I don't have anyone I can talk to. Everyone's gone. I can't bring the words out anymore. Not to those that I'm surrounded by. I tried talking to my roomate. I love Rob. He and I have quite a history. Though I can't talk to him. I can't tell a stranger. A bartender doesn't even have enough time for me.
I can't die either. I can't make myself die. It would hurt someone. I feel trapped in this life. I don't want it to end. I have to like the pain. I have to love and need it to keep going. So that's why I'm slipping away.
I'm going to disappear a while. Sorry that I left. I don't know what else to do.
 Amano Yoshi · Mon Feb 27, 2006 @ 11:38am · 16 Comments |
