Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

It is absolutely not jealousy that I feel. Honestly, I know what jealousy is- the anger and hurt one feels when someone has or is doing what they can never have or do themselves. I've experienced it upon more than one occasion, and thusly, I believe I know what it is when I feel it. So then, what am I going on about? Well.. I'm speaking of anger and hurt. But it didn't sprout in my stomach because someone has or is doing something I can't have or do. Indeed, it's because of someone.. And because of an occurrence. It's almost quite silly, that I can't think of some way to go about dealing with it. If I hadn't meant it when I said I wasn't going to leave Crystal for her.. If I hadn't meant it when I said I wanted her to find someone she could be happy with.. Then, perhaps, it would be jealousy I feel now. But I meant what I said, and I wouldn't take it back. I didn't leave Crystal to be with her, and I am so very happy Katt has someone to be happy with. Is it silly that I'm shaking while I'm writing this? Could be because it's a bit cold, but.. I don't get cold easily, so I can't pin the blame on that. I guess I'm shaking because I'm a bit nervous to write this. I'd much rather confront her about the way I feel, but I'm not good with words when I'm speaking. Typing my thoughts is much easier. So, here goes.

There's a place called SMYRC here where I live, and it's a place for queer youth to chill. It's pretty much a safe place where we GLBT kids basque in our amazing gayness by having dances, open mic nights and drag nights. It's a rather fantastic place, in my opinion. I mean, when stairs leading to the stage are painted rainbow, how could it not be amazing in every light? Well.. I'm not really sure I can go back there for a while. Maybe on Wednesdays, I suppose. I used to go Fridays, because Katt was there. Now I can't. I have to explain my situation to make anyone who might read this understand.

The Friday before last, I went to SMYRC because Katt had been telling me about this awesome person she'd met. how she wanted me to meet her. I called her that Friday and told her I'd be there around my usual time, and we could totally chill. Haha.. I even got an extra pack of cigarettes to share with her and this new friend, if the new friend smoked. My mom had decided to just stay in the car because she figured it'd be a waste of gas if she were to drop me off and come right back to get me. She was just going to chill in the car, but I felt bad leaving her there.. Even so, I went into this building, you know, SMYRC, and I glanced around, searching for that familiar head of hair. I mean, I'd know it anywhere. We dated for a good three years (on and off. xD We couldn't handle each other for more than four months at a time). Upon finding her I walked up behind her and tapped her on the shoulder. She smiled kind of awkwardly at me and introduced me to this friend of her's, who.. If I remember correctly, preferred male pronouns. I can't remember his name, though. I've never really been good with them, I mean.. I thought Katt's real name was Caitlin for the longest time, so.. Yeah. For about five minutes, we both stayed quiet, and a boy named Tyler came up behind me, asking how I was. I felt a bit awkward, being what felt like ignored by someone who was supposed to be a friend, so I started talking to Tyler. Then he said something to Katt, being that she and he are better friends than he and I. She then looked to me and said, "Oh.. you're still here?" as if she didn't want me to be here. Of course, being the slightly emotionless person I am, I just smiled a bit and nodded. She shrugged a bit and let out a slow breath, glancing to her friend before resuming her ignoring of me. At that point, I felt really, really shut out and awkward, because I know her like the back of my hand.. And those were all the signs I needed to know that she didn't want me around.

So.. I turned to Tyler once again and started talking to him. I don't remember the conversation, but I said something about my mom being in the car, and then asked if she was allowed in the space, because I now needed someone to talk to while I was there, because.. I don't settle well knowing I'm unwanted. Especially after having been invited. I was told both by him and Jess (one of the counselors at SMYRC) that my mom could come in for fifteen minutes. So I run outside and grab her, explaining that she can come in and chill, then we can go to the park and swing, and then take off. She asks me why I'm not just inside talking to Katt, and I tell her that Katt's got another friend and is a bit busy.

My mom climbs out of the passenger seat (being that I'd driven there) and asks me if I want to smoke. She nods and I lead her to the smoking area. She starts poking me, trying to make me feel better because she knows I'm feeling a bit down, because she knows me well enough to tell. I break her cigarette, and out of this doorway down the sidewalk a bit, Katt and her friend emerge. Katt smiles that awkward smile and, without saying a thing to me, rounds the corner and takes her friend's hand.. I begin to kind of think she really doesn't want me there, and I wonder if she's dating this friend of hers. Mom and I smoke our cigarette (because we shared when I broke hers) and she follows me inside. It's still pretty awkward. Katt and her friend had moved away from the computer area and were sitting in these two chairs, cuddled up in my line of sight. That's when I caught it.. They were dating. that's why it was so awkward. Maybe I was just being an idiot for being so hurt, I mean, if I had my girlfriend there with me, I'd be giving her more than half my attention too.. Though.. I wouldn't be a d**k to someone I'd invited a week in advance.

Mom has to pee, so she runs off to the bathroom, and I notice Katt glancing back at me, and, when our eyes meet, she gives me one of those smirks.. That kind of smirk that says "yeah, I have someone to replace you. I hope it ******** hurts" all over it. Before I can react, she looks away and this guy I hardly know and greatly dislike sits next to me and begins reading off one of these raps he wrote. I felt awkward enough to pretend like I was paying attention. By the time he finishes, my mom comes out of the bathroom. She can see what's going on almost immediately and begins whispering things to me to try and make me smile. Well, it kind of works. but.. She had it kind of backwards. She'd gathered that Katt was dating someone new, but she thought I was jealous. Aaaaand.. No. I wasn't. And I'm not. At this point, I wasn't hurt or angry, even. I was just thinking.. Is she trying to be an a**, or does she not realize? So I ask mom about the part and when I know, for sure, that we're going, I decide I want to end the awkwardness I'm feeling. So.. I walk over to Katt and her new partner a small smile on my lips and I tap her shoulder, "Mom and I are gonna go to the park, and then we're gonna bounce. Wanna tag along? To the park, I mean.".

I had told mom, before I went over to Katt, that if they wanted to go, we'd go. If not, we'd just leave from SMYRC and go home. Well, believe it or not, Katt and her new person said "Yeah."

So I ran out to the car with mom and started it up. Katt and her girlfriend (boyfriend?) went to a different car for something. xD I started to drive off, thinking they didn't want or need a ride, then Katt's girl/boyfriend says "Hey! Aren't you going to offer us a ride?" Just by that, I like her. I mean, it takes guts to call out like that to someone you don't know. I stop and jump out with my mom to clean out the backseat, because that car is a wreck. They get in and they cuddle up in the backseat. As I turn a corner, I mention something about needing Power Steering fluid, because the damn car's squeaking. Her girl/boyfriend speaks up and is like, "Well, I might have some in my car if you need any", so.. I know she's a sweetheart, just by that. But I tell her that I think I might actually have some back at the house, but thanks. So.. Then it's quiet until we get to the park and pile out. They head to the swings and Katt's pushing her girl/boyfriend on the swings while mom and I smoke and listen to music on a bench.

Katt said something about how inactive we were being, mom and I, so I laugh and say we're going to teeter-totter as soon as we're done smoking.. And.. Things don't seem so uncomfortable now. I mean.. It's still very, very different.. But.. We're talking a little. Mom and I end our cigarette and go to teeter-totter.. And Katt and her girl/boyfriend go to the bathroom. Mom and I move to the swings in this time frame. My mom's in the swing, and I'm pushing her. Katt and her girl/boyfriend come back, but don't say anything, they just walk off, pseudo-out of sight, though.. Deliberately not. They're kind of hiding by this.. Thing /: I dunno, where there are slides and monkey bars for kids? I dunno what those are called, but they're over by that, and I glance over, noticing that they're.. Kind of making out. Immediately I'm uncomfortable, because I know now that Katt is just trying to get under my skin. I mean, she's trying to act hidden so the girl/boyfriend doesn't know she's using her, at that moment or otherwise, to get to me. But she's staying in sight just enough for me to notice, and I don't say s**t. Cool. If that was the way she wanted to be..

At this point, I'm fighting with myself in my head. See, I wasn't missing her. Haha, ******** no. I was thinking about how ******** up and backwards she was being. And I know, if and when she reads this, she'll try to say I'm being crazy, but I'm not. I'm pissed that she'd ******** bring some person around me to be a b***h. I'm totally happy she found someone. I couldn't be happier for her. I'm upset because while I was with this girl named Maddie, she wouldn't ******** meet her, wouldn't ******** let me talk about her. If I'd decided to bring Maddie to SMYRC in front of Katt, she'd have ******** BOLTED.

Now.. Why am I writing this?

Perhaps.. It's in hopes that, because Katt had this tendency to read my journal, she'll see this. Perhaps she'll understand how she made me feel, and how much I didn't care she was with someone new.

I really, really hope things go well between her and this new person. They seem to make each other happy. Well, from what I've observed. I'd love for her to find someone that makes her happy. That gets her off of my ******** back, because the constant arguments we had and the conversations we had over and over were beginning to get old. So, I'm happy she's with someone. I'm glad that she's happy.

But I'm seriously considering never talking to her again.

Like, this, if she reads it, might be the only warning she gets.

It kind of sucks to lose someone as close as she was to me over something as idiotic as spite, but.. I finally see what my mom was talking about in her, and.. I'm not sure.. Wait. Haha. I'll say this in her words, though loosely. Yeah, those words I remember her saying when she broke up with me the last time and handed me my heart on a platter, "Sorry, I can't deal with all your problems anymore. You sucking your thumb in public.. It embarrasses me. And.. you don't open up to me. I think we did this too early.. Without thinking. I can't deal with it anymore. I hope you don't hate me. I don't look forward to losing a close friend".

Well.. /: Sorry, Katt, I can't deal with your vengeful personality. The fact that I thought you could change embarrasses me. You've been hiding from me all these years. I trusted you without thinking, over and over again, and you hurt me.. Over and ******** over again. I hope you're not trying to pull some dumb s**t again, like always. It'd be nice if you thought about your actions before doing whatever comes to mind. I hope things change soon, because I don't look forward to never talking to you again over something so stupid as you thinking you might make me jealous.