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The events that surround Ian bring turmoil to my heart. I went through so much s**t with him, so much. When I chose Josh instead of him, he dropped me like a bat. I was relieved. No longer did I have to deal with his s**t.

No longer did I have to be the 'fun' one, or the one that he'd just ignore as soon as he got tired of me. No longer was I the one that 'couldn't ever compare' or anything of that sort. No longer was he a burden, and no longer did my heart twist in pain when I didn't hear from him, even a hello or goodbye.

And then, I started to miss his friendship. Not the relationship, but what we had before that panned out. The friendship where we'd stay up all night and talk about nothing but Pokemon. Or we'd geek out and RP until six in the morning, only to get up and do it all over again.

I had never really had that in a friend (except Amanda, but she's an entirely different case, she never left me and whatnot, I still love her very much). And still, I don't have that in a friend (again, except Amanda, but she's not available 100% of the time, like he was.

So I log into AIM the other night, and there's his status and it says, "Happy Holidays Jess."

Um. What? WHAT?

I've been playing status tag with him for a week now.

Finally, I just asked him. Why the ******** do you hate me so much. I have the right to know.

And I await his answer.