Jesus Christ....I can't catch a break...I mean....gah. -headdesk- What am I supposed to do? I want to open up to her and be normal again and make her happy.....but I'm not sure where I stand and I don't want to land myself in an awkward position...and then she's hurting and wants to be loved...or so I think. I'm just not sure how to get that to her. Because it's a certain one she's after. She has it......but the polish isn't staying....I guess. I'm not sure what to do because then there's this other one I feel like I will forever be in the shadow of....it's always "so and so is this" and "so and so is/does that" I like being there...I really do. And this is seriously going to bite me in the a**....but....I don't know. I really don't. Any advice?! Hm?! I didn't think so. And then I feel really bad because I've suddenly gone more distant with him.....to the point where I'm not even sure if he's speaking to me. And I know he'll read this. Whenever he gets a chance. He always does. And then he'll say something along the lines of everything being okay and I just need to relax but I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE! What am I going to do?! She will blame herself if I leave. I can't have anyone else be damned because of me. I don't want to eat. I don't care what anyone else says. I refuse. Point. Blank. And I can't stop with the drugs...and cutting....I need to NOW....but...I can't...she'll get upset....yeah, she won't show it. But I know she will. So what do I do? Why does everything have to be so hard...And then I've started working out...and pile that on top of my chores on top of my school work on top of the grief I'm getting from my parents and then this?! I know I deserve it....and death is the easy way out.....but how much longer can I really go? I know I could make it through....but am I strong enough? That probably doesn't even make sense. Nothing makes sense. Why the hell am I even still here? ********]
 Sempiternal Hell · Sat Jan 22, 2011 @ 03:37am · 0 Comments |
