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Sesshy's Journal

Community Member
Holding on to what I haven't got......~
I wish I had to strength to stand and tell you how much that I love you.
I wish I had the courage to face you and tell you how much that I miss you.
I wish we could start all over again.
I wish we could be the friends that we once were.
I wish we could love one another like we used to.
I wish that I could see you and drink in all your form.
I love you so much.
I wish that I could hold you again and caress your form like I once did.
I can’t stop thinking about you. I think about you at least 10 times a day.
I wish that I could talk to you and hear your sweet voice that I know.
I worry about you.
I’m always wondering what you are doing.
I was such a fool to let you go.
It hurts knowing that there is a possibility that you moved on with another girl
It hurts knowing that you may have fallen in love again.
It hurts knowing that you may have forgotten all about me.
It hurts.
It hurts so much.
Why is there such a feeling as pain?
Why do we suffer?
Why does such an emotion exists?
I’ve fought so hard to resist this emotion.
And when I finally fell in love I got scared.
I did what I did best and ran away from the situation.
Now I look foolish. I gave up the greatest guy I ever knew and for what? To be lonely? To be miserable? To feel endless sadness? And for what? Just so I could feel the freedom that I now have? Just so I could be me? Just so I wouldn’t feel insecure anymore? Just what was it that made me chose freedom over the guy I seriously wanted to settle down with. The guy that I wanted 24/7. The guy that I chose to have a kid with. To bear his child in my womb. I mean he was special. And I loved him. I loved ever inch of him and sure he wasn’t perfect, nobody is but you know what I loved his flaws. I loved the way he acted around me. I loved the way he made me feel. I loved how he gave me the attention that I wanted and spoiled me rotten with it. I loved the way he drove me insane. I loved how I couldn’t get enough of him. I loved it. I loved the pain. I miss him like hell and now I’m just sitting here feeling all the weight of sadness crushing my heart as I think about him endlessly. I’m terribly sad. I’m terribly sad for myself and for him. Sad knowing that I will never talk to him. That I will never see him. That I will never be with him ever again. And I am sad that he more than likely hates me with all his heart and never fully understood why I just gave him away. The pain hurts. But the endless amount of “what if” still crosses my mind. All I know is that I handed the greatest guy I ever knew away and he is somewhere out there living out his life and without me of course. *sighs* Sad but true. But hey I should have now reason to complain. I did it myself and now I am the one paying for it all. *sighs again* It is just my luck I suppose. I just want you to know that I miss you terrible. I still think of you and I still love you. Never mind my suffering though. I’m sure it is nothing compared to yours. I’ve put you through hell (more than once) and I’m sure this is no different. I just want you to know that I hope you have found someone 10 times better than me. Good bye, love.

And in the end I’m, “Holding onto what I haven’t got”


Linkin Park-The End

Flying at the speed of light
Thoughts were spinning in my head
So many things were left unsaid
It’s hard to let you go

I know what it takes to move on
I know how it feels to lie
All I wanna do is trade this life for something new
Holding onto what I haven’t got

Sitting in an empty room trying to forget the past
This was never meant to last
I wish it wasn’t so

I love you please be safe~

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