It is a habit of mine to make a short intuitive prediction on December 31st regarding the year to come. Unusually accurate, I expect these predictions to come true throughout the new year. Why have I started with this? Because, at the beginning of the year, I predicted this year to be a year of doing the delayed things, also of facing my greatest nightmares. Actually, these predictions I did on January 1st, since I was rather drunk (do.not.ask.) on the New Year’s Eve, so then I only felt pretty worried and that was it.
So, January 1st caught me with both my parents alright, my dog old but rather healthy, all my four grandparents alive and well – sort of, since one of my grandfathers was mad (literally) and the other one had a military pension, so he was on close to it being reduced big time – and also with not high but okay marks at school. That was the day everything started to fall apart. On January 1st mom had a heart attack, 3 days later we went to the hospital, and on the same day she had a stent introduced in her heart. The following weeks were like a really incredibly bad dream, since I adore mom, plus that Ion just didn’t let us sleep, since mom wasn’t home and he missed her – dogs have feelings too. Once she was released from the hospital, things seemed to be getting back in place, and the feeling of fear in my heart weakened a little.
June – the next month with “J”. June was chaos. On the 4th I went on a school trip – one of the worst I’ve ever been to, since I became sure my form teacher is a b***h, the other English teacher is an old whore and I spent a night throwing up (carsick and KFC food is most certainly a horrible combination, and if one adds a tasty dinner and two hours in a car between those meals, the result is what happened to me that night). Upon returning home on Monday, mom had given me the news: my grandfather – the mad one – had died on Saturday, and dad went to take care of his funeral. The funeral took place a day before dad’s birthday, which kind of sucked for him. But the finishing – and hopefully last – blow came exactly 10 days later, on June 14th when my other grandfather, whom I adored, had died as well. Mom assisted him being CPRed, which shook her pretty bad. After the whole funeral mayhem, which we had to organize, I spent my summer holiday at my grandmother’s. The funeral itself sucked. Seriously. And it laid the foundations of my religious issues that bugged me all summer. I did receive good news while being at the funeral: I was 3rd in my class. Eerily, I smiled, and it gave me the strength to continue my act throughout the day.
So this is how I ended up spending my holiday at my grandmother’s, about 45 minutes away from home, which is why throughout the summer, I only met several times with a friend living very close by. Also, because of some... special circumstances regarding my internet connection, I have not been on as much as I would have wanted. It was a pretty good thing, though, since I had time (in the moments when I was in my darkest depression) I meditated on a lot of things (love, religion, ponies, how much i want a police novel etc.), also I watched TV obsessively (there is a high chance I inserted a quote from a cartoon in this entry. If I didn’t, I’m sorry). One of the worst parts was that I had a really hard with my eating schedule (if I don’t eat when I’m hungry, I’m not responsible for what I transform into) and that I had to eat even more, my acting requiring huge amounts of energy (I mean, I had to throw a kind smile when I wanted to make a scene).
There are still a million of unsolved things, which give me a feeling of panic, and I sincerely feel horrified that some other sad thing could happen. Do you know a method of controlling fear? I can control a lot of feelings, but not fear... and it’s panicking.
So, January 1st caught me with both my parents alright, my dog old but rather healthy, all my four grandparents alive and well – sort of, since one of my grandfathers was mad (literally) and the other one had a military pension, so he was on close to it being reduced big time – and also with not high but okay marks at school. That was the day everything started to fall apart. On January 1st mom had a heart attack, 3 days later we went to the hospital, and on the same day she had a stent introduced in her heart. The following weeks were like a really incredibly bad dream, since I adore mom, plus that Ion just didn’t let us sleep, since mom wasn’t home and he missed her – dogs have feelings too. Once she was released from the hospital, things seemed to be getting back in place, and the feeling of fear in my heart weakened a little.
June – the next month with “J”. June was chaos. On the 4th I went on a school trip – one of the worst I’ve ever been to, since I became sure my form teacher is a b***h, the other English teacher is an old whore and I spent a night throwing up (carsick and KFC food is most certainly a horrible combination, and if one adds a tasty dinner and two hours in a car between those meals, the result is what happened to me that night). Upon returning home on Monday, mom had given me the news: my grandfather – the mad one – had died on Saturday, and dad went to take care of his funeral. The funeral took place a day before dad’s birthday, which kind of sucked for him. But the finishing – and hopefully last – blow came exactly 10 days later, on June 14th when my other grandfather, whom I adored, had died as well. Mom assisted him being CPRed, which shook her pretty bad. After the whole funeral mayhem, which we had to organize, I spent my summer holiday at my grandmother’s. The funeral itself sucked. Seriously. And it laid the foundations of my religious issues that bugged me all summer. I did receive good news while being at the funeral: I was 3rd in my class. Eerily, I smiled, and it gave me the strength to continue my act throughout the day.
So this is how I ended up spending my holiday at my grandmother’s, about 45 minutes away from home, which is why throughout the summer, I only met several times with a friend living very close by. Also, because of some... special circumstances regarding my internet connection, I have not been on as much as I would have wanted. It was a pretty good thing, though, since I had time (in the moments when I was in my darkest depression) I meditated on a lot of things (love, religion, ponies, how much i want a police novel etc.), also I watched TV obsessively (there is a high chance I inserted a quote from a cartoon in this entry. If I didn’t, I’m sorry). One of the worst parts was that I had a really hard with my eating schedule (if I don’t eat when I’m hungry, I’m not responsible for what I transform into) and that I had to eat even more, my acting requiring huge amounts of energy (I mean, I had to throw a kind smile when I wanted to make a scene).
There are still a million of unsolved things, which give me a feeling of panic, and I sincerely feel horrified that some other sad thing could happen. Do you know a method of controlling fear? I can control a lot of feelings, but not fear... and it’s panicking.
