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just watch me.
Let's get rich and buy our parents homes in the south of France,
Let's get rich and give everybody nice sweaters and teach them how to dance
Let's get rich and build a house on a mountain
making everybody look like ants

way up there,

you and I,

you and I.

On the list of things I need to buy eventually: A curling wand for myself, extreme hold hairspray, and a ukelele.

Guys. Day 2 of recovery today.

I had a hugenormous entry ready to be posted Monday about how shitty the past couple weeks have been, and how I've been in a horrible funk and how I'm so lonely here. When i left off, I was talking about what goes up, must come down.

And what I was also thinking: What goes down, must also come up.

most of the time.


then this Thursday morning I awoke, went to the gym, and afterwards had the moment of clarity in the shower. It was like one moment something snapped, and there was a rush of... lightness. It felt like all of a sudden the clouds had parted, the weight on my shoulders disappeared, and I could breathe for the first time in weeks.

I stood under that steaming shower for a long time, sucking as much air as I could, with new life, new hope... clarity. Lightness.

And had the best day of the week.

The show was fabulous, and MCing was good. I know I was awkward, but I really have no problem with it haha. I may not be very good at public speaking, but I have absolutely no problem getting up in front of people and making a fool of myself. So that was fun. ^^

I also did a girl's hair to mimic Amy Winehouse... THAT was an adventure in and of itself. We put a loofah under her hair, hairsprayed the s**t outta it, and it turned out FABULOUS. She got so many compliments, and several of those from the most powerful people in this program.

Then after the show, we had a bonfire in the parking lot. Nobody here knows how to operate a fire. So guess who spent the entire night getting it going and tending to it... :]

I love fires. So. Much.

And I felt loved. Like people actually cared about me, even if it was just superficial. I felt needed. Appreciated.

Then yesterday we had game tape in the morning, followed by lunch and a community meeting. Then spent an hour hardcore cleaning the apartment, then headed back to the building for what ended up being a fail recording session. The entire file was janky, and we couldn't lay down what we needed to because the piano part that the other players were supposed to go off of wasn't working/complete.

So after that went back to the apt, worked on laundry some more (i washed everything yesterday. Sheets, comforter, etc. because i've been getting bumps all over. mites of some sort, i assume. and clothes because otherwise they were all over my floor haha)

then was invited to go grocery shopping. got stuff there, spent $17 on a roast, and came back.

side note: BUYING BEEF AND PORK PRODUCTS FROM THE STORE STILL REALLY FREAKS ME OUT. LIKE YOU HAVE NO IDEA. I know what the packages are when they're straight from the butcher, and how to handle them. When it's in clear plastic wrap, AND NOT EVEN FROZEN SOLID, i just have no idea what to do.

Yeah. I'm making a roast for this sunday. I'm gonna call mom and consult with her to remind myself what i'm doing, but really, i'll end up doing my own thing anyways.

I also need to talk to her about thanksgiving. I'm gonna plan a group potluck, and I want to know when my family is coming down... They're planning on getting to nashville thanksgiving night.


so after grocery shopping, i headed back to the apt (which i had all to myself), took a very long, hot shower, then sat out on the porch bundled in a blanket.

Smelling fall. Watching the airplanes come in. Admiring the moon. Thinking. Reading.

It was beautiful.

Eventually I got cold, then went back inside and read some more.

Then people showed up!


Cute guy had bought all the candy and stuff, and at one point there were eight or nine of us playing.

I cleaned up nicely. ^^ It was lovely haha.

It didn't last as long as last time. Depression.

Everyone was super tired, even though it was only like 10:30.

so we quit playing poker, ate brownies, and that was that.

Just like O and S, when S didn't show up last night, O was out of the picture really fast. she was only here for him, just as I was for him. so when he left, I called it a night as well.

other side note: SOMEBODY NEEDS TO EXPLAIN TO ME WHY THE HELL HE IS A DIFFERENT PERSON IN OUR APARTMENT VERSUS EVERYWHERE ELSE. like seriously, the only reason I'm really into poker night is because he's here, and I get to talk to him and he's normal and not shy and we actually talk to each other and now I'm just ranting.

BUT SERIOUSLY. everywhere else is just awkward. I want to talk to him, to get to know him, but it just... doesn't work. Anywhere else but our apartment. HOW DO I FIX THIS.

other side note: He loved the cookies I made. Unfortunately, I'm not going to make those again for quite some time.

Nobody needs to know that. razz

I'm glad I made them when I did, though; I think everyone else was also in a funk this past week, so the cookies helped everyone power through it.

So yeah. Hair and food are the only things I'm good at around here. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I dunno.......

it's so gloomy here. fall is finally starting to kick in, with rain and cooler temperatures. overcast skies this morning, hoping to clear out this afternoon. the temps are still nothing like at home...

I miss fall back home. Harvest especially. I realized this is the first time in my life where I've lived somewhere that isn't a few miles from a field.

I haven't seen a single real field, tractor, combine, or whatevs since I got here.

There are a few horse places south of us, but no real agriculture.

I'm not entirely sure how I feel about this.

the leaves are starting to change here! yay!

OKAY, now I need to start working on stuff.

I have to write a short blog entry for promotional purposes (... as if I haven't been writing now, but alas......), research hardcore into a certain college we'll be going to on tour, and thinking about:

thanksgiving prep
recording schedule for this week
websites for my artists

Also going to work out today, and yeah.

I am going to experiment. 6 days a week working out, and I'm gonna fix food issues.

Like listening to what my head is telling me, not my gut.

Just for now, I'm gonna think short-term. I understand that what I'm about to do is NOT a lifestyle change, but I've been thinking I need a more dramatic segway into healthy. Like do it hardcore, then just ease off a little bit. By then it will be more second-nature, anyways.

I need to think about this. Plan it out, make it failproof.

Time to work. Or just take a nap...................

Peace out.

.... I'm never saying that again. That was weird.

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