This gaia journal is sure coming in handy. Hey everyone! (or anyone w ho has even read this?)
Update: we are in hospice. My dad is dying. We arrived in Philadelphia on friday evening, and I came back yesterday (tuesday). Getting wifi was pretty tricky, so most of my online time was spent on FB updating a page i made there about my dad's statuses. Any other time spent on my tablet was playing games or reading.
When we got there... I have no words for the shock i was in for. I suddenly felt like dejavu of when my grandpa was going through hospice and dying last summer. We talked with the hospice nurse who had been doing this a long time. We took her opinions and general opinions alongside her professional information she had to share. She said by looking at him; we are looking at anywhere from a few hours to probably a few days. MAYBE a few weeks. Well, now we're at Wednesday. He hasn't passed yet. His fevers have finally come down, and the swelling around his hands and feed are finally starting to give. He still has a little fluid in his lungs, but that seems to be clearing up as well.
Something that seems to be especially helpful is us playing music for him. That seems to really do a lot. his breathing is shallow, and he still seems to get a lot of fevers and rapidly cool down. Apparently, that's part of the dying process. It's been pretty rough. Watching now my 2nd person fade away is a rough experience. I would have continued to stay out there till he passed, but since he's waiting for something; i had to come back and be with my son.
I have an uncle who gave me some theories on a few particular days he might be waiting for. In the meantime, funeral preparations have been a little trouble some too. the church we grew up going to won't let me have his memorial service there because they "only hold services for members", en quote. sad That was pretty messed up. When my sister called the cemetary where my uncle holds for my grandparents' plots they bought. The two grandparents nad their firstborn who died as an infant are there, but they had 6 more plots. Our uncle offered us one, but the cemetary won't give us quotes unless we go in person about how much it costs to open up the ground and how much for a vault for his urn; which we intend to cremate him as that's the more inexpensive route. I mean.. I'm sure my dad would have liked being trussed up in a very fancy suit or in his scottish gear; but he didn't have life insurance either. We're dealing with limited funds here. so yeah memorial service, yo. Then they were like; our uncle has to go down there with us to sign over a plot to my dad. :/
I tell you.. since this all started when he had his stroke and trying to deal with these medical personnel at various hospitals. I'm really ******** exhausted. I've felt like i've had to go to bat at every step of this for what we want. like take monday. the doctor told us that due to our circumstance; we'd be permitted round the clock visitation which allowed us outside normal visiting hours. but when we got to the nursing home on tuesday mornign to say bye before my uncle and I left for home; they wouldn't let us in. "we need to verify this with the doctor." :/ I called that nursing home and talked ot the social services office. I reiterated the story to her, and I told her that I was leaving for detroit. I wanted to see my dad; the dr said it was ok; so why won't someone help me out. Well, she finally did something to get them to let me in.
Yeah so last night when i did get home. I went to take a nap that turned into just me sleeping for close to 11 hours. Guess i was more exhausted then i thought. I did get up and send my son to school like normal, and i went and worked a short shift at work today. It felt great to do normal stuff, but I can tell already. There's no way I can work a full shift for a little bit. After 4 hours, i felt like i was really just so tired.
As for gaia, i'm not sure how much i'll be here while i go through this. some people are helpful on the surface, but just aren't around to offer any kind of support. At this point in the road, it's all i can do to keep my head above water. At times, i feel like i might need therapy before it's over. I might cut my hair. haven't cut it in almost htree years. I guess I just feel like... i really need some relief. and the grief that's building the closer we come to this; I also realize I've not been entirely over my grandpa passing away last year.
if you're a praying person; please.. please... keep me and my family in your prayers. we still have a long way to go before we rest from all of this. i can't really afford the cost of a full on therapist or counselor to go to regularly. hopefully, i can find somewhere that will do it pro-bono for me or something. having a hard time with all the grief that's kicking around inside.
 Graceangel · Thu Apr 17, 2014 @ 12:24am · 4 Comments |
