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My teenage life is coming to an end |
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My life as a teenager is finally coming to end around the corner. There are so many events that happen to me that I don’t know where to start. As times moves on, life flashes in the blink of the eye in millisecond. I couldn’t find time to cherish all these events that I was involved and thank each of them for making me become who I am. It’s sad that I have short-term memory but that doesn’t define me as weak. Actually I am weak; I was once strong and now I have grown weak. I look myself as normal person who is trying to move on every day and remember what each day had taught me. I am not intelligent, beautiful, cute, and strong. I want people to know that I am not that special to inherit these positive characteristics. I was taught by my depression in my tween’s years that I have to appreciate what I have and continue to move on and carry them with me.
I thought maybe I won’t have a life that I deserve. I thought maybe I won’t have a life that I dream of. I thought maybe I won’t have a life that people can support me until time has ended. It has been on my mind around high school when I was self-esteem and in state of depression. All my life, I want to cry every night and curse myself about how much burden I have to carry in my heart and carry with it. Some of my friends tried to cheer me up but I failed to appreciate their help due to my self-esteem. I hate to admit but I can’t listen to their beliefs because no one have experience the deep depression and how I need someone to be there for me and comfort me. Despite my lack of communication, I always seek out for someone who has open-minded and warm heart to understand me and my life issues. I don’t believe I could find that person who feels comfortable around me and allows me to become who I am.
I lost couple of my friends who were so close to me. I believe that when I lost that person, I can no longer seek them for help or comfort. I also believe that when I lost that person, I cannot fight for them anymore. In other words, they had move on so I too have to move on. There’s no need for me to fight for them. I am a part of their past and they had bury those moments. Through my depression and isolation about friendships, I learn that many friendships don’t last when two people do not support for each other. In other cases, many friendships might not remember their happy times in school days and they caught up focusing in reality, not nostalgia. Sadly, they might be blind by reality. I used to have a guy friend whom I befriended since middle school. We have similar hardships but different paths of experiences. I used to look up to him for help and comfort. Because of that, we grew closer. I always hang out with him in middle school and in freshman high school. However, I didn’t know I have feelings for him until in my freshman year. I try to confess my feelings for him but that moment shattered when I saw him hanging out with another girl. And that was the moment that my heart shattered and cannot put back together. I was deludable with my beliefs about my first love. With that, I isolated him and became depressed. It took me about three months to get over it because I know that I have better things to do rather than cry and beg for him to leave her and come to me. However, at the same time, I did not notice how much we grow up to become a better person. Since that day where I saw him hanging out with another girl, I know that we cannot be together, no matter what circumstances or situation we are in. We will never be together. And that is where I have to accept him as my closest friend until my junior year where he will be graduating in 2014. That year was the last time I will ever see him with innocent smile. Also that was the last time I will ever considered him as “best friend”.
When I lost him, I felt completely different. From my friend’s lecture about life and his beliefs, it shapes my world to appreciate my existence. I am so blessed that I do not have suicidal thoughts very often or motivational moment of ending my life. However, it does not end my life issue completely. It got my loneliness and solitude even worse than before. Like I said earlier, I don’t believe I will find that person who feels comfortable around me and allows their permission for me to become who I am. At first, I thought being alone can minimizes my involvement with the world. I want to stay out of this cruel reality. I don’t care what the world is doing but I will not let it interfere with my world that was once shattered. I will not let that consumed my world that was once free from the darkness. Let me handle my world alone. Let me control my world alone. Let me build my world alone. I promise myself that I will not give my life to the darkness ever again. I had been there through the abyss and I had done it through suffering.
I always wonder what my life will carry me after my depression. I always wonder if my life deserves a second chance to become strong and be careful of my mistake that can show up with same hardships. I always wonder if my life needs more happiness or depression. There’s no real answer through thinking; I believe that my real answer will lie right through my eyes, even if my eyes is blind from the truth.
I really hope that I’ll be able to search more opportunity to start a new beginning as an adult. Me being alone is what shapes my life because I did not have anyone at this point to support me or understand me or lean to.
I really hope I can find someone that I can willingly share my everything to that person. I search for so long to find comfort and love and support through one person. Is there more depression I have to experience more or is there really happiness behind this? I hope someone can guide me unless I have to do this alone. I would rather be the one who suffers all through her life to find happiness rather than giving up. Let the people take away my everything, but I will not give my will to the darkness.
 I-MissKabbii01-I · Fri Aug 28, 2015 @ 05:43pm · 0 Comments |
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