I dont know how to respond to people...Communicate people with my broken English and accent.
My life is becoming selfish recently and i can't help myself win against challenges.
My mental issues is developing worse and worse and no one can identify my problems.
They ignore my mental issues if you can say that. Perhaps they have no interest in me.
In my view, they dont see me as a sucessful and integllient person.
I have no right to aruge with them; they are right. I am not smart nor positive. They bring me down.
They put me in pressure. They put me in stres.
And i cant help it but cry into tears that makes me look weak.
Im not. I was very strong to understand your positive words until you turn me down.
Such a selfish girl i have become and no one appericate me being around them.
All i do was cause depress and self-esteem that hurt them.
I hate myself and I hate how I will carry my selfish behavior forever until the end of my life.
And truly, I can't forgive myself. I have made so many regrets and unforgivable acts.
How can people be so cruel to me when i was trying to become one of you.
I hate my academic life for distracting my personal life and trying to develop independent life.
I can't turn away. This is how it is suppose to be. I have no choice but to go along with it.
I can't be happy. Never. It's impossible. Why try to make me happy when you have or already have happiness?
Don't you have regrets for meeting me? Don't you have regret for putting yourself into my situations that is impossible to solve?
I can't allow that to happen. I perfer to see you satisfy with your choice than becoming disadvantage at me for nothing.
If someone commment me about my intellegent, i'll be walking away and say you are frog, living in the well with pity judgment or ignore them as I try to forget that words you comment me. Positive words are hard to embrace. It is limited by time changes.
I dont deserve this joy and happiness. I'd perfer to give it away than to cherish it with my heart.
I don't have a right to maintain my smile. Someone can destroy it within one second. Someone can ruin it within one moment.
Someone can crush it within one milisecond. Someone like me deserves to remain unhappy than to help themeselves fight against struggle.
Once I took the challenge, then my life is at risk so does my smile.
Academic life:
I can't list my favorite teachers. I can't list my friends. At least someone has to be a teacher's pet or student's admire.
And i will not be that person. Someone can take my title and claim it forever. I enjoy their teaching but they can not favorite a student espeically me.
My teachers can forget me one day. Within Hi or Goodbye, they will forget that person who just said those words; So why bother if they will forget?
If only i have confident in forgiving myself for deserving a ridculous grade. Looking at it makes me feel sick. I perfer average. not low average.
Favorism is what i disgust. I don't think one of my teacher is really interested in me. Really? Why me? I'm a fool. Yes a foolish girl.
I worked so hard and i put a lot of effort so why teachers are giving me no hope of success? They make my depression a lot worse than my selfish act.
I hope i don't participate or speak in public. Even if i speak so many times, no one can really understand me. I hate schoolmates and classmates.
If only school become my escape home without people noticing me so i can feel comfortable being alone while understanding the meaning of education.
I can only see a disability person inside me than an average person. A disability person that have a life but different from everyone.
I only hope that the teachers would ignore a disability person like me.
If only they can see that i'm not perfect and i don't have to get it right in the first place. I am learning with unprepared.
No satisfy. No confident. No comfortable. No..I am unprepared for anything. Especially challenges that i carelessly accept.
I don't think i will be recongized by high school or college...College..Yeah..that was my hope of starting a new life as independent.
Futrure shattered into ashes:
Ever since i was a child, i was the happiest person on earth. or so i thought. As i grow up, i realize that there's something wrong with me - mentally.
Something that my parents doesn't want me to know nor want to know the worst condition that can affect my life. When i reach middle school, my life had changed.
At that moment, i knew that i was different from everyone. A person who doesn't know how to read, write, or speak is that person whom everyone would advoid.
I watch myself, acting so smart and awesome where in truth i'm not. I was trying to become one of you. Now i became a fool crying for help where i already
have the answer. The answer was washed by my short-term memeory that can't be recovered. I want to be remainded that i can do this. I have this power than anyone has.
Just how much more suffer do i have to embrace before facing another darkness..? There's no courage on me. There's no hope on me. I can't be satisfy with positive
words until i see myself as successful person. I want to see myself as a strong person who has the power to take on the challenge because she has been there before.
I want to experience that situtation.
All i got was betrayal.
The result i have in my mind is disability...
 I-MissKabbii01-I · Fri Aug 28, 2015 @ 05:51pm · 0 Comments |
