Dumbass.
Dumb-a**.
Dumb a**.
Dumb-a**.
Dumb a**.
I'm sorry for how quickly I left. I'm sorry that I was so angry against you. I'm sorry that I was never everything that I should have been as a person.
You want to catch up, well. Won't it be awkward? I'm a hundred percent sure that I still feel ... that stuff about you. Love, infatuation, unhealthy obsession, whatever. I don't think I'll ever lose those feelings, and that is why, in a way, I block all my thoughts concerning you.
And I'd be lying if I said that I didn't miss you in some way.
Obviously, I don't miss anything recent about us. We always used to fight and it was messing me up.
I don't miss gaia or the people on it. I don't miss towns and all that. I don't miss talking to you on gaia, because gaia is like a mini cancer to me.
I'm not sure what I miss.
I miss making you smile and laugh. I also miss all the talk about "future plans." I know, maybe I shouldn't miss that, but I do.
I don't picture having a future with anyone I currently know, but I do miss having the desire and I only ever had that desire with you.
So, I've been working out, staying healthy and all that. I've stopped drinking completely. I block out all thoughts that I think are bad. And it's been really helping. I have a girlfriend, but I don't love her. She tells me I could smile more. I don't.
I don't really like her that much, she just got back from Ireland and I don't really care. I always seem to have the same issue when it comes to relationships : my inability to connect. I don't connect with her, I don't want to touch her and hug her. I get sad when I touch her. It feels fake.
I'm sure she wants me to be more spontaneous, to be more caring, to hold her.
I'm not a prince charming. Sadly.
Anyway. My grades suck donkey s**t through ten bricks. 80% of my major are failing 50% of their classes. And, I don't mind too much. I don't base my life around my grades. University gets harder and harder, but next year I'll be on my masters, and that'll be coo'.
I'm really sorry to hear about Jack. He is still the only dog I've seen that would snore. You all gave him a happy life and that's all that matters.
Yes, I read your stuff, but you don't write that much. You also delete stuff you write. Some of the stuff you write kind of makes me sad, some of it just makes me think that I should talk to you, but I block those thoughts out.
Generally, I've been okay. I haven't felt depressed since I disappeared. Although, last night I was having a crisis, but I dealt with it, like a boss. My girlfriend left my place, and I was calling myself a jerk because of I was treating her and I was suddenly really sad.
But, I don't want to write about that.
I spent Christmas alone. I'll be spending new year's alone.
My parents are leaving the country on the sixth of January for a few months. They're going to travel Europe a bit. I think that's kind of cool.
Anyway. I've written a lot. I kind of want to talk to you, but I know that if I do, I'll just talk and talk and talk, and you won't talk a lot. As we have always done.
I miss you.
Again, I'm sorry.
