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I've never had this kind of opportunity in my life, to start over, to start a new, and yet...I feel inadequate. I feel...too low of a human being to be able to do this, for myself, to be with my boyfriend. Why was this chance presented to me? I know not everything has to have a sick twist to it, but that's what everything up to this point has almost felt like. Down from family to relationships to jobs, everything. And then here is this amazing gift I've been given to move to a new place, be with a man who loves me, and still. I feel like something will go wrong, I don't want anything to go wrong, I want to be able to start my life on this track, and be able to stick with it. I have so many plans and things to look forward to, but in the end, I feel like something ought to go wrong, or something will go wrong, because....I don't feel worthy of anything. And why is that? Well....3 years of therapy, and I still don't have the answer to that, maybe it's just been the childhood I was given, or something, everything, more than likely. I don't know. I don't know how to feel.
So I type in a journal, on Gaia, that I've never used in my whole time span of being in this community. Because I have no one else to talk to about my problems. I do and I don't. But this is the easiest out let to have, so if ever anyone stumbles across this, I appologize for the randomness of all it all, but this is what I need to do to get my head straight. It doesn't make sense, doesn't even make sense to me, but hey....it makes me feel slightly better.

Will I ever read these after saving them? No, I don't think so.

I'm so confused about everything.
I don't want to waste my time on this new adventure for it to...just...turn to dust in front of me. I know I shouldn't be thinking like this at all, but I don't know how else to feel.

On top of everything, moving to a new city, with only a hand full of money I've managed to save, I've got debt collectors calling me because of s**t from past relationships, from past employers.....I don't know what to do with myself. I'm still going, even if it is all just for a waste of time, it will all be an adventure to learn from, life lessons, what have you...

Just scared to fail, to waste my time, and others. I don't know what to do with myself. I leave in 5 days. I feel prepared, but I feel like I am underestimating the severity of the whole situation.


It will all be okay I suppose.