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sudden upheaval, broken pride, disaster

aka the worst tarot card you could ever get in a reading. sigh

i know why i'm getting it though. today i tried to do a mhyk card story tl and like... normally i can do these easily. less than an hour's worth of work. easy peasy. but this felt like sandpaper on my brain the entire time and i was so. worn out by the time i finished that i've just been laying down for two hours now recovering from it

i like... okay. i'm confessing this to the extremely vulnerable forum of a public journal on gaia online. no one is going to see this unless they actively go looking for it. i'm worried that the eight months where i translated like 250k in a huge burst broke something in me and that i'm never going to be able to translate like that again. like i overclocked myself and now my engine only barely works anymore. it was something i so prided myself on being able to do, and being able to do it Well, and now i feel like i just don't have that capability anymore. and i've let everyone down in the process

i wonder. we know that wizards lose their magic only once they truly feel like they've broken a promise. but what about...just thinking you might not be able to uphold a promise anymore? is this the moment where i lose my magic? it certainly feels like it is