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Come to bed don't make me sleep alone.... |
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"Come to bed don't make me sleep alone....Couldn't hide the emptiness, you let it show! Never wanted it to be so cold; just didn't drink enough to say you love me. I can't hold on to me, wonder what's wrong with me!" - "Lithium" by Evanescence.
I don't know what to do lately....I feel so lonely and so afraid all the time. I mean, the last 2 days I have basically been surrounded by people for my birthday party and my cousin's birthday party, but it just didn't feel right.
I miss her. SO MUCH that it's nearly all I think about. I just want to see her again, hear her voice, see her typing, hold her in my arms....any of it. I mean, I know it's only been a week.....but a week without her is torture to me. I love her, and I miss her, and I just want to see her.
I think my depression is setting in....everything just seems so clouded. Not even the music I listen to can get to me....I sing it, and I put emotion into it, but I don't feel it anymore. I have a headache. I know I have a headache because my body is telling me I do....but I can't feel it. I'm tired. My eyelids are heavy and I want to sleep, but sleep just won't come to me. I'm on the phone with two of the best people in my life.....and all I can think about is everything but our conversation. And the worst thing is....I don't need anyone else to worry about me because I'm worried about myself.
"You're not alone....No matter what they told you, you're not alone!! I'll be right beside you forevermore!!! I want to be like you, sis. Lie cold in the ground like you did. There's room inside for two and I'm not greiving for you....I'm coming for you. And as we lay in silent bliss, I know you remember me! I long to be like you!" - "Like You", by Evanescence
While it seems like I'm so happy all the time, and always smiling and helping everyone else when they're sad....I don't think I can do this anymore. I'm not talking about suicide, but just about cutting myself off from everybody for a while. It's seeming more and more plausable.....well, after my job is over. I just got one that starts tomorrow and will go for 2-3 weeks. But still, I think I might just need to be alone for a while....maybe it will help? I wouldn't be worrying about anyone else anymore because I'll know that it's my decision to not talk to them because I need "me" time.
But......how can I do that since my biggest fear is isolation? I fear what I need and I need what I fear. There's no escape from that, but how can I keep going on like this? Not feeling and not caring when emotions are my life? It feels like a part of me has died lately. I don't know which part, I don't know when, where, why, or how it died.....but just that something did.
But for the sake of all those I love, I shall keep my sunny disposition up. And if I disappear suddenly one day, keep these words in mind and know that most likely I will just be battleing with my greatest fear over control of my life.
And to anybody that reads this: Thank you. I love you and couldn't be living without you. <3333
 TanyaDawn · Sun Oct 08, 2006 @ 03:50am · 1 Comments |
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