Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

For anyone who cares:

I'm sure all of you are wondering. "Just what is it that makes Picarri emo?" Well, here's the story from start till whenever.

My father abandoned me before I was born. I was merely blackmail material. My mother got pregnant with me only to keep my father with her. When that didn't work, she gave up and didn't bother to raise me right. She did the same with with my little brother after his father left her. She didn't take care of us. I was left to deal with a hyperactive little boy all on my own when all I wanted was some time to myself. Here's the big thing with that. My dad was around the whole time. And my whole family knew. But none of them could be bothered to tell me because my mother didn't want to lose out on welfare by having me telling the state who my dad was. How's that for a fine ******** how do you do?

Next: About nine years later. Mom's boyfriend. He had a daughter. She got everything. As did little brother of mine. His birthday rolled around. All sorts of toys for him. Mine came and went. Not even a card. Little Stephanie just couldn't be late for Girl Scouts! Oh, you....well, we can't take you this time. Sorry. One of my mother's tenants got drunk one night. I sleep on the bottom bunk. One can only guess where that leads.

Even later, I start high school. For three years, starting sophmore year, I cut. I cry. I hate and want to kill. It wasn't until my senior year that I was caught. They threatened to lock me away. Boyfriend after boyfriend...abusive, manipulative, only using me for what they want....some too pushy, some not affectionate enough....others just trying to get in my pants and nothing more. Used and left behind. That's all I know. So I become a bit bossy. I'm not as nice as I used to be. Men started to scare me. I wouldn't be alone with one, and if I was, I was a b***h.

Even now, the pain doesn't stop. Every day something goes wrong. Every day another painful memory to add. The voices try to help, but they can't do anything. People I thought I could rely on turn their backs on me. People I thought I could trust betray me. People I thought loved me are gone when I return. Thrown out, kicked out, put away, forced out....there's no place for me. Everywhere I go is the same thing. Not even my mother would help me. She abandoned me years ago for a man. When I needed her, she wasn't there. My brother...foster care. Why couldn't I have gone, too? My mother doesn't know anything about foster care. She was only there for a short time. She was only a baby. How would she know anything about it? It would have been better for me. It would have made me better...

I hurt so much, and nobody can help me. Doctors say I'm fine. Psychiatrists just try to give me more pills that don't work. Other people say I'm depressed. Other people say I'm just trying to get attention. I don't want attention. I want love. I want people to realize that I'm not as horrible as everyone seems to think I am. I have emotions, too. I have feelings just like everyone else does!

I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY, TOO, GODDAMNIT!