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todays rant is brought to you by whatever the ******** i want...

man it just seems like lately ive been in over my head i cant ******** take it any more its too much and i cant back out either...maybe it would be just best if i went back to my old ways again for real....because i cant take all this bullshit....why cant i get a break i realy need one...im thinking about just skiping out on the next speach tournie and alot of other stuff....i realy dont want to do anything with anyone any longer...i hate so much and i dont like id rather just not care about anything or one.....because the second i start careing about someone they dont like the way i care for them or about what i do....why cant i just be on my own...i want to be so badly...be all alone..no one to help more or to tell me what to do cry i got legs i can get up and use them im not a helpless boy any longer damn it!! but......there are people i need to help...and others are hurt by the people i am helping....i dont know what i should do....my expirements at home with what im doing arent comeing up with anything stable....i realy wish i could just curl up and cry...i hate it ive not felt this sad for along...long...long time and i dont want to id rather not feel at all the have to go though all this bullshit!......im on my last leg...i cant take it any longer..something has to change or im going to have to make it change...and i realy realy dont want to its too much ******** work....and...well right now i am about to cry...im so ******** upset....i hate it...everything is starting to lose itself in my head i cant take it its all unraviling.....