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something that's been on my mind a lot |
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Well, many who know me.. know that I share a relationship with a guy who i love with all my heart, mind, body, and soul... and, this february we come to our 5th year of being together as a couple.. which is a damned long time.. and, if you consider the fact that before him, the longest i was with any guy in a committed relationship was 9 months... Once upon a time, i was super boy crazy.. and man crazy. i just always bounced around from relationship to relationship.. then, i found a foundation and rock... and I've discovered the beauty of contentment in a relationship... but, for many who know me, I also before anything else in my life have a deep and thriving desire to walk with my Jesus. If noone else ever believed in Christ, I do. And, not only do i just believe.. but i love him.. and i enjoy him as my friend... and my strength. in teh dark places of my life where teh people of my life couldn't come through for me.. he kept me going.. and didn't allow me to give in to the despair in my heart.
Well, for some time now... like a few years in fact... been praying. Because my great love, my very sweet S/O just in general doesn't find marriage as a necessary thing... and, everyone is entitled to their feelings. It is a general opinion of mind that he was convicned of long long ago as a young person.. and stubbornly believes in that feeling down to his fiber. almost as much as i believe in how beautiful it is to know your Lord.. and to think that he might like you enough as a single individual to enjoy knowing me too... but, once upon a time, my mom and my sister had a falling out with my same S/O... and, it lasted for a while.. and right up at the time where he was about to come. i had been praying.. and Jesus worked in everyone's hearts... adn compelled them all to put it behind them. And, I knew that was sooo the Lord doing a great blessing in our lives... so, then, I have great faith that Jesus is able to help reason with a person's mind and heart that they might find a willingness for something they would not have on their own... and I every pray diligently day and night with my ever waking and resting breath that he would help my mate to change his thought... and even if he never gets to the point of desiring to actually get married for himself.. that he might have a willingness to do it as a gift to me because of the fact that it is a necessary thing.. and it's something i have been desiring for years... and have always been very careful about to not pressure him into it... I wanted him to be in it out of his own will...
But, there are times lately, when my heart grows full of sadness.. and weariness in my waiting.. because sometimes it feels like I wait forever...
To be married.. i mean. right now... we live almost just like we're married.. but i have been thinking. and to me, this is like ... I like poptarts.. and every now and then, people who think of me when coming to see me thinks to bring some. but they don't want to have to spend the money on real tarts.. adn get me teh off brand kind. now, to some people, they are all the same .. but, to me, someone who really likes poptarts.. i have tasted the real and the fakes.. and i can tell the difference. there is a level of quality, and I can taste it... and to me.. being almost jsut like married is having fake poptarts... and i just have this growing and ever consuming desire in my heart that somewhere in the near and maybe not to distant future.. these crappy fake poptarts can become real ones... with the goodness and richness i desire.
 Graceangel · Tue Feb 01, 2005 @ 03:25am · 0 Comments |
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