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(THIS IS MY JOURNAL SO U DONT HAVE TO READ IT IF U DONT WANT TO)
(i dont know if this is all right, but after always hearing it.. it must be)

All i hear is how she is cheatign me, and mocking me..
how she decived me, and how i fell for it..
My friends were right, all of them dead right, inspite of it all, i was throughout it ALWAYS blind..
Why do i feel this way..
not knowing wether to continue on, i just want death to take me..
all i did was try, try and make her happy, try and give her all i could.. but after hearing all this news i dont know...
i love her, or i loved her.. i really dont know now..
I thought she loved me.. i cant tell, she says she does
others say she is lying, she is cheating me, she is a deciever, a manipulator.
How can i love someone like that? if i do somthign wrong, even in the slightest i get yelled at..IF SHE does somthing wrong.. i always forgive, not wanting to feel her the sting of her words...
you cant love someone you hate..
i feel so alone.. (AGAIN MY JOURNAL GET THE F OVER IT) all i do is try to make her mine.. and when i succede i hurt others, and then get hurt..
I dont know what to think still.. i am just rambling on now at currentally 1:06 am. i cant sleep. i am so sorry 4 all of u i have hurt, and all the ones who r going "omg ward.. get over it, *rolls eye* i told u so." or "must u always complain???" i really am sorry.. i know what it's like BUT I LOVED HER, AND I CANT TELL IF I STILL DO!!! scream crying ALL I FEEL NOW IS PAIN! I WANT TO THROW UP, I WANT TO HANG MYSELF, SHOOT MYSELF, DRUG MYSELF, POSION MYSELF ANYTHING TO MAKE IT GO AWAY!! ...i tell myself it never lasts.. one side of me is saying "u know somthing is up ward..why do u do it? ur most trusted friends know it.. how can U be so stupid.. ur killing urself slowly again.." the other side is going "nah she loves u, and u know it. she just has alot to do" i am tired of the excuses.... i know somthing is up, and weather she cheated in the past or present.. she did and i FEEL IT. maybe not.. SEE THERES THAT DUMB a** PART OF ME AGAIN!!! UGHH.. i am lucky i have a faith, cuz if not i'd more than likely stab myself w/ my sword. (yes i have a sword.. lotr nerd member? lol) ok well.. i am still rambling.. talking to myself really. i thought i couldnt feel a worse pain then last time.. apparentally i was wrong again. as usual, my best friend was right, and i should have listend to her. No let me make somthing clear, i dont know 4 sure chrissy has cheated on me, or she is faking this whole love thing.. but i keep hearing it, and all it does is tear me up. i am going to tell any of u (if u r still reading this that is) somthign right now. I DONT CARE IF IT IS ONLINE GOD ******** DAMNIT, I ACTUALLY DO HAVE STRONG DEEP FEELINGS OF LOVE FOR HER, AND I DONT THINK NONE OF U GET THAT!!! scream scream scream MUST I CARV A HEART THAT SAYS "WARD + CHRISSY 4EVER" ON MY CHEST W/ A RAZOR 4 ANY OF U TO GET ME?! NO ONE GETS IT, I DO LOVE HER!!! AND 4 ALL OF U WHO SAID "dont let it get to you" OBVIOUSLY DONT KNOW WHAT THE ******** THIS IS LIKE!!! scream scream RIGHT NOW HAVING TO WORRY WHAT MY FRIENDS WILL THINK OF ME WHEN THEY SEE THIS, STILL I AM TYPING, WORRYING MORE AND MORE ON EVERY WORD. WELL DAMNIT I'M PISSED, AND I'M TIRED OF HOLDING MY EMOTIONS BACK!!! THATS ALL I EVER ******** DO, IS TO MAKE OTHERS HAPPY, WELL I AM TIRED OF IT!! scream WHEN DO I GET MY CHANCE TO BE HAPPY 4 MORE THAN A DAY?!! scream crying all of this is too much 4 my mind.. and my heart.. i apparentally LET this happen.. and the sad thing was i knew i was doing it while it was happening... is it so wrong, that when u hear the girl u LOVE is cheating on u, to be worried? is it so wrong to be cautious, cuz u know she is so beautiful, and some guy might steal her? all these ppl have told me she isnt good ward, she will only hurt u, take ur heart out. well now.. i see they were right... i seriously think she never meant it like i did.. and 4 me STILL having feelins 4 her.. i think is the saddest, most pathetic thing and state of mind, body, and soul i have ever been.. wow this is a long journal, at least it tells the truth. I dont even know if what i hear is true.. why am i worrying? i dont want to loose her,. and i dont want to belive she is flirting w/ other guys while i am gone, or that she really just pittys me (BTW IF THATS WHY U R GOING OUT W/ ME CHRISSY, 4 UR PITTY, THEN ******** IT I DONT NEED UR PITTY!!! scream ) so thats why she is going out w/ me, tears my heart up, and i should have listened when ppl said love is nothing but trouble.. i have never felt a stronger urge to end it all.. to just kill myself RIGHT NOW.. i mean no school, no worrys, no sadness, no life.. but i am not.. i know that if i do i will go to hell.. and what if all this really is words? what if maybe, chrissy DOES love me? i cant be 2 sure.. lol again audiance sorry.. (oo i am gonna get some odd comments 2morrow.. redface ) i am just really messed up right now.. i want to kill, hate, love, cry, scream, and just die. i do wish death would take me.. i really do feel it.. but i know it wont, and i know it cant. i always have to stay strong 4 ppl. like my best friends, they look up to me somtimes, and them seeing that i ACTUALLY DO feel like the sweet release of death must make them wonder about life and all... to them, plz listen now. DONT KILL URSELF. it resolves nothing.. i just want to know she loves me.. but i can never fully believe it.. i'm sure by now all of u think i am a joke.. beleiving someone Online could be in love.. well i am dead serious.. i would have gone to the end. i would have had kids w/ her, marrage, death, everything.. i always thought of how great it would be, just to live w/ her in a small appt or house, and to care 4 one another, and love on each other. i guess not now. i dont know if this is real or not.. i feel so sick i want to throw up and die.. thats all i guess.. i'm sorry again all. plz.. i dont want to hear how i DONT love her, BECAUSE I DO, I FEEL IT.