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I'm sorry I feel the way I do. I have my reasons. And if anyone knew what those reasons really were, they'd understand.
Its just that I can't be so kind and caring and all-over happy. I don't see the need for it. I do not hate, or dislike, I do not trust. I could have been in jail for months if my dad didn't use his credit card to bail me out, otherwise there would have been no way in hell for him to pay cash, we're not rich.
If I was stuck in jail and found out what I knew, then I would hate for the rest of my life. I wouldn't be happy whatsoever. But that is not the case, so there is nothing to worry about.
Raymond is leaving in a couple hours, and everytime I walk in on his conversations its always about how happy everyone is. Its like, feeding off my hurt feelings. I'd prefer my feelings to be sucked dry, so at least I wouldn't feel anything anymore. I can't stand the fact that its going to be a great time, but at the same time, I'm glad. Hes away from me, the source of his problems. Maybe he'll realize that I am not the right person.
Maybe hes going to the right person, I do not know. There are so many things going on in my head. I don't know which will be the right one. Some are nice, while most of them are horrible. I can't stand it, I really can't. It makes me cry, it makes me want to pull out my hair. But there is nothing I can do to change it. And I have to let things go along as planned.
It will take every ounce of will-power to not cling to Raymond as he leaves. It will take even more not to cry as he walks away. He won't cry for me. He'll just pity. I can't help my feelings, I love him. And hes going away, somewhere where I won't know how he is feeling except for an emoticon when he is online. Or a letter if he sends one. I trust him, but I'm scared. I'm really scared, I can't help but think of what may happen. My mind wanders all possible outcomes. I know its bad to do, but I can't help it.
Why dwell on the best outcome when it will most likely be the worst?
Oh god...it just hurts so badly. I'm sorry for ranting...its the only way I really feel better for a while. I may confine these to another journal...which will most likely contain my day to day activities for Raymond to see.
I'm just scared.
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