I think
That I am
The most
Pathetic
Being
On the planet.
Seriously.
It's [********] Christmas,
And I'm unhappy as hell.
I don't even know why.
Maybe it's a disease.
'Cause,
Ya know,
It's how I've been for the past eight months.
Josey?!
JOSEY?!
Make my phone make noises,
Please!!
Please don't make me single,
On our anniversary...
So,
Last night,
I wrote a note,
For Grandma.
It made me sad.
I almost cried,
Because I didn't get a response.
Even if I didn't really expect one.
Because I figured,
If I would get a response,
It would be last night,
If at all.
Then we just had to go to the church,
That had a mass,
Deticated for her.
I balled.
My dad chuckled.
Yeah,
That's right.
Grandpa reaches for my hand,
Right as they're saying,
"For Dolores Ray, for whom this mass is offered"
And the book of songs,
Instantly covers my face.
And I hear my dad chuckle.
Thanks.
I love you, too.
He also pretty much refused to hold my hand during the Our Father.
I want to talk to Theron.
I really do,
Just to hear how his day is going.
Because,
During the entire mass,
I prayed for him.
He's my best friend,
Even though I don't have a clue what he thinks of me.
I'm really,
Really,
Really dependent on him.
Like,
If he's gone,
For half a day,
I'll freak out,
Trying to find where he is.
I don't know if this is going too far,
But lately,
I've felt like I need him there.
Just because,
I know,
That when people treat me like s**t,
At lunch,
About the fact that I'm dating Josey,
And that he likes Alida,
(Or so they say),
He'll be there in science,
To cheer me up.
Or at least to try to.
I love you, Theron.
(Elohelz, not in that way).
And,
I'm really,
Really,
Really sick of this "myspace trend".
I had,
One of my closest friends,
Call me "uncool",
And get all over me,
Because I don't have one.
Sorry,
***** don't appeal to me.
The only reason,
I'd even consider,
"A myspace",
Is because,
You know,
I like to be
creative.
But that's okay,
Because I've got my Gaia,
And my journal here,
That may as well be nonexistant,
Because,
You know,
No one,
EVER,
Reads it.
I got a letter,
From Michelle,
Who I think may have disowned me,
Some odd time ago.
She said she wants me,
To email her.
But she promised,
Like,
Two years ago,
That she would call me,
And try to see me,
Next time she was in town.
I emailed her,
And I was kind of cold,
Because,
I don't trust her.
I don't know if I'll be able to,
Ever again.
I thought the world of her.
One time,
When I was a kid,
I wanted her to be my own mother.
I love my mom.
I wouldn't trade her,
For ANYTHING,
In the whole world.
I want to be with,
One person,
That cares,
So much about me,
And just let them hold me.
Because,
I think,
That's what I really need right now.
But that won't happen,
Because,
You know,
That person doesn't exist.
At least,
Not to my knowledge.
Or if they do,
They're awefully quiet about it.
When,
Honestly,
I need them.
Whoever they are.
And I'm typing,
In one of the most annoying styles,
But I don't care.
This is how I speak best in,
And if that makes me a loser,
Or a freak,
Or,
Maybe,
Nonhuman,
Then,
Haha,
That's me.
That I am
The most
Pathetic
Being
On the planet.
Seriously.
It's [********] Christmas,
And I'm unhappy as hell.
I don't even know why.
Maybe it's a disease.
'Cause,
Ya know,
It's how I've been for the past eight months.
Josey?!
JOSEY?!
Make my phone make noises,
Please!!
Please don't make me single,
On our anniversary...
So,
Last night,
I wrote a note,
For Grandma.
It made me sad.
I almost cried,
Because I didn't get a response.
Even if I didn't really expect one.
Because I figured,
If I would get a response,
It would be last night,
If at all.
Then we just had to go to the church,
That had a mass,
Deticated for her.
I balled.
My dad chuckled.
Yeah,
That's right.
Grandpa reaches for my hand,
Right as they're saying,
"For Dolores Ray, for whom this mass is offered"
And the book of songs,
Instantly covers my face.
And I hear my dad chuckle.
Thanks.
I love you, too.
He also pretty much refused to hold my hand during the Our Father.
I want to talk to Theron.
I really do,
Just to hear how his day is going.
Because,
During the entire mass,
I prayed for him.
He's my best friend,
Even though I don't have a clue what he thinks of me.
I'm really,
Really,
Really dependent on him.
Like,
If he's gone,
For half a day,
I'll freak out,
Trying to find where he is.
I don't know if this is going too far,
But lately,
I've felt like I need him there.
Just because,
I know,
That when people treat me like s**t,
At lunch,
About the fact that I'm dating Josey,
And that he likes Alida,
(Or so they say),
He'll be there in science,
To cheer me up.
Or at least to try to.
I love you, Theron.
(Elohelz, not in that way).
And,
I'm really,
Really,
Really sick of this "myspace trend".
I had,
One of my closest friends,
Call me "uncool",
And get all over me,
Because I don't have one.
Sorry,
***** don't appeal to me.
The only reason,
I'd even consider,
"A myspace",
Is because,
You know,
I like to be
creative.
But that's okay,
Because I've got my Gaia,
And my journal here,
That may as well be nonexistant,
Because,
You know,
No one,
EVER,
Reads it.
I got a letter,
From Michelle,
Who I think may have disowned me,
Some odd time ago.
She said she wants me,
To email her.
But she promised,
Like,
Two years ago,
That she would call me,
And try to see me,
Next time she was in town.
I emailed her,
And I was kind of cold,
Because,
I don't trust her.
I don't know if I'll be able to,
Ever again.
I thought the world of her.
One time,
When I was a kid,
I wanted her to be my own mother.
I love my mom.
I wouldn't trade her,
For ANYTHING,
In the whole world.
I want to be with,
One person,
That cares,
So much about me,
And just let them hold me.
Because,
I think,
That's what I really need right now.
But that won't happen,
Because,
You know,
That person doesn't exist.
At least,
Not to my knowledge.
Or if they do,
They're awefully quiet about it.
When,
Honestly,
I need them.
Whoever they are.
And I'm typing,
In one of the most annoying styles,
But I don't care.
This is how I speak best in,
And if that makes me a loser,
Or a freak,
Or,
Maybe,
Nonhuman,
Then,
Haha,
That's me.
...to live your life.
