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Damnit... I cant stop crying... Whenever i go to bed I keep hearing "goodbye may seem forever" in my head and I keep thinking so depressingly... I keep thinking of how I'll die lonely and that I have no real friends where i am... that i'm just a lazy slob on a computer... I feel worthless and hated by everyone... I wont do anything stupid- for the people who think i will... I just cant stop crying!!! crying crying crying I want to stop so bad!! I fell into bed and layed there for an half an hour- hardly even breathing from crying so much crying I know most of you are all thinking im a freaking cry baby... and I know I am... but will someone help me crying i'm just so freaking messed up and i shouldn't be ... I just cant stop ... I keep thinking about how I havent planned out my future... i procrostinate on all my school work... My grandma wont be alive for much longer and i had to see her today... I almost cried right there... shes so messed up she cant even say words most of the time... the thing that brought me so close to tears is when she said "I love yoo..." and then trailed off... She hasn't said that to me or my mom for 7 years... and what hurts the most is that it feels like just yesterday I was little and following my grandma and my sister up to the water tower at the 4th of july picnic... she was laways livly and she had so many stories... now she cant talk and she can barely breath... and my grandpa from my other side of the family is getting worse.. he doesn't even remember who my grandma is in the mornings... and my grandma is getting old and has so many health problems... and the way i get treated by everyone else, and how i act to them... I dont want to do that... I just wanna be happy and have friends... I even felt like i dont have a best friend anymore... cuz i dont... my old 'best friend' joined the navy and i never got to see him in the first place.... and the girl I love hates me for every reason of my existance... and ill i've tried to do is make her smile... I know im just bitching here... but i need to let it out... not only this but i suddenly thought of big brother and sis... and i kept thinking that they wouldn't accept me either... and that i accauly had no one left... it already feels like sis and i have started growing apart... and big brothers always busy... i just feel like im being hated and tossed aside by everyone... my brother here treats me like s**t and blames me for everything... constantly taking things from me and acting like such an idiot... I know there are alot of people worse than me... and i feel horrible even saying whats wrong with me... but my heart just feels empty and cold right now... like i'm not even worth my life... god... I wish i could talk to somone right now... I just keep thinking about the mive fox and the hound... and how tod has to get released into the wild... I thought i was okay and fine with it... but now that the movie finaly let my cry i have to cry for all the times ive wanted and needed to cry... but the thing that keeps hurting me is... that I know someday I'm going to die alone... and I wont have anyone who cares when I do... maybe my mom and dad if i die early... but after they're gone... I'll have no one... I'll be alone in the corner, dying and looking back at a worthless life... I'll be humming the same tune that finaly let me free this sadnes... "Goodbye, may seem forever. Farewell, is like the end. But in my heart, the memories... and there you'll always be..."

Posted by: Leon_Claus Wed Dec 27, 2006 @ 10:55am

<~ Empty account. ~>

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Chez Wolfe
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Commented on: Wed Dec 27, 2006 @ 02:08pm


	Stop thinking you're going to die alone, no one dies alone. there will always be people there who care about you.

Commented on: Wed Dec 27, 2006 @ 03:16pm


	No one dies alone, and no one even dies. We gain immortality through people's memories, and as long as we're remembered we're never gone. I will always remember my wittle bruver who came into my cafe that one dreary day all cold and I got him some hot chocolate. And no matter what happens and no matter how you act I will ALWAYS be your big brother and love you as one does. Also, about your grandparents, I'm sorry to hear that their health is gettin' so poor, but that's what happens when you get older. We all have to go at some time, and it's horrible to watch, but it is nature. Just remember the good times you had with them and treasure them in your memories so they can live forever in your memories. I lost my grandfather this year and my grandmother has just been diagnoised with a very serious cancer, but I know that they've had a wonderful life because I've heard so many stories of them goin' around the world together (my grandfather flew a plane) and seein' things that most people only dream of. That's a pretty excitin' life, so there's no reason to get so upset when it ends, because we all gotta go some time, but when we go it is our time. This brings me to the last thing. You may not think the same way, but I thought I'd mention it. Fate. To me, everythin' happens for a reason. The smallest thing can affect us in such a dramatic way it can't just be coinsidence. For example, my friend, bein' a womanizer like always, became (or tried to become) friends with every girl he let eyes on, and Chez was one of 'em. Then, my friend introduced us to eachother and now look how we are. Just think, what would have happened if my friend hadn't adventured to the very spot where Chez was, I mean what are the chances of that already? You see, everythin' happens for a reason, or at least I think that. Even bad things happen for a reason, but their reasons are for good. Another example, I was picked on a lot in middle school, and it made me a social phobic. Because of that, I started talkin' with people online because I was afraid to talk to people face to face. Because of that I got addicted to gaia, and that's how I met you. What would have happened had I not been picked on? I probably would have never met my awesome wittle bruver, that's what. So when things go wrong just remember that they hold a purpose, though you may not know what, and the purpose is always good. Let fate guide you and take you where you need to go. And if you don't believe in fate, just ignore this whole paragraph. :sweat:

Semok
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Leon_Claus
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Commented on: Wed Dec 27, 2006 @ 05:21pm


	Thank you... cry

Commented on: Wed Dec 27, 2006 @ 08:36pm


	crying That's so sad! I agree with Semok about the immortality thing though. And I really hope that for your sake that things start looking up in your life. Nobody deserves to be sad or feel alone when they should be happy and have friends and family around them. I am sorry that everything is going crappy for you right now... I really am.. But I know that things will look up eventually. Stay strong. ~You're friend- Raine~

Ashen Raine
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Kronprinz Schwarzhaus
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Commented on: Thu Dec 28, 2006 @ 03:35am


	Knw that your friends will be with you forever. Even if you don't see them again. Stay headstrong, and live for those you cherish. ~Nyaa

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