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DAMN.

I've never felt this way before. I mean sure, we've all had our ups and downs before, but this is different. I feel as though I'm standing in the midst of a gale attacking me from all sides, with nothing to lean on, and no way to get out of it. A gale that I've created all by my lonesome self.

Coming down to it, I've basically failed everyone that really needed my help. My family... and the friends who really needed me. I've failed them, and they've cast me out now. And there's no one to blame but myself for it all. I'm a lost cause to all of them... they've more or less told me so, and they're right, as far as I'm concerned.

I don't seem to be able to bring happiness to anyone anymore... including myself. Life doesn't even really mean much to me anymore. Oh, that doesn't mean I'll commit suicide or anything. No. I promised myself long ago that I would never do that, and I will stick to that promise. Since I haven't been able to stick to anything else, I suppose I should at least stick to that. I don't have the guts to do it anyway. I'm too cowardly.

I guess if I can't fix things, life will take me along some other path. I don't know what I'm going to do, but it's not like I can just lay down and die. It's impossible. I can't escape from life, it's impossible. Not even death can allow me to escape from life. But I don't seem to care as much as I once did if someone runs a knife through me, blasts me in the head with a gun, rapes me, or runs me over anymore. Sure, I won't do it deliberatly, and I'll still fight with everything I have, but I honestly don't have much left to fight with. It just doesn't seem to be of consequence.

I've failed... and that's the simplicity of it. I've even failed James, though he doesn't know it. I wasn't able to just be strong for him. I don't know what to even do with myself anymore. I feel so pathetic right now... and so hopeless.

Ah well. Perhaps things will get better. And if they don't... I guess I'll just let life's course take me along, and do the best I can.