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Have you ever felt the need to cry? Was is so strong that you couldn't hold it? Or was your will so strong that you held back the tears but your heart kept breaking the more you held them in? I'm do that right now. Holding back this tears that are threatening to spill over. Why? For the fact that I do not wish for anyone to see me cry. Funny....just as I type this...my will broke and the tears won over. I have no idea what is wrong with me lately. I can put a mask and fake this pain easily but when I'm alone I cannot contain myself and just burst. Even now, I'm bursting into them and it's hard to read this.

Many people will say I deserve this pain....They are most likely right. I do deserve this. I am a vile, woman. I have cheated. I have lied. I have 'caused so much pain to others that there is no wonder I am getting severely hurt right now. Each and every day I wonder why I am still up and about? My mind is full of jumble thoughts. My heart full of pain and tearing. My hunger disappearing. My body shutting down to where I sleep more. I'm slacking again in my life. My faith is leaving me again. Or maybe it was never there to begin with.

Everyone can put on a mask.

Love....What is this...this thing called love? I thought I had it several times but they were all failures...So much pain and tears in the process that I am not sure that it doesn't exist anymore. So many guys and girls breaking my heart...bringing me down each time.

Now there is a new guy. One that came to see me and will continue to see me each and every time. Robert....what am I to think of this man? This man that sends my heart pounding with a gentle or just a stare. A man that game down here for me and me alone. I am not sure what to think of his actions. I'm scared. So scared to let him into my heart only for him to be like the others and tear my heart away.

When he came down here the first time...I felt so much comfort with him but was it all fake? Was it just a way for him to get close? To get into my pants? I do not know and I'm scared to know. Funny...a 19 year old girl scared to know what love is. Maybe it is too soon for love for me...-Sighs-

I find it more amusing that I put more of my thoughts on here or paper than speaking them out loud. Could I entail these bizarre thoughts to Robert? Would accept all of me for me? Even my past lies? I do not know....nor do I want to know the answers to my questions. I feel that I should just be utterly alone. Just....alone..