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I. Hate. Men
I FREAKIN DON'T UNDERSTAND 'EM, OKAY?
Well, it's not just that. My friend is going through a bad break up and he's an absolute jerk... but I have to pretend to be nice to him, because otherwise he takes it out on her. And... yeah. He's always given me that "creep" feeling when I'm near him... I'm glad my "sixth sense" wasn't all that wrong about him. So there's one good thing about all that, I guess.
But... oh, I don't know.
I'm writing a missionary. And it's... well... there's a big story behind it. You see, we met in ninth grade, 3rd tri. Moved into the same ward (church) the same day, me from 10 blocks down the road, him from... Florida, I think. Or Ohio. He's from all over.
My friends teased me at first about how he was attracted to me, but I think he just sought me out because we were together so often--seminary and church, you know--and so we were closer friends. He actually liked another friend of mine, a close one, for a long time... I don't know when he started liking me. My feelings started the summer between ninth and tenth grade, but just before school started, sometime in August... I think. Maybe July. All I know is that sometime during that year, close to the start, I think... not past the middle, for sure... that we were sitting in a group and... oh! It was near Halloween, I was volunteering at my friends' haunted house for kids, and Katie had been teasing me about him the night before WHEN HE WAS IN THE NEXT ROOM GRRRRR... but we were sitting in a group talking about school and people wanted to know our crushes and he said he liked my friend... gr... I wouldn't admit to who I liked, but the other two or three (girls) in our group ALREADY KNEW THE MEANIES.
But it was a week or two before our 11th grade school year that he asked me (as a friend) to go to Lagoon (the big amusement park where we're from) with his family and him. I had gone once before and loved it, and I REALLY wanted to be with him... you know the feeling? so, of course I went. They had the Halloween stuff up already, so we went in the haunted house rides... which is how he discovered that I had never been in a haunted house. He declared that he would take me, and, since my 16th birthday was in October, that that'd be my first date (We both knew that we liked each other at this point, btw). Oh, and we're both Mormon, so no dating until we're sixteen, you know? yeah. And he had turned sixteen the year before, in November, and yet hadn't gone on a single date yet... so the day after my 16th birthday (it was on a sunday, so we... kinda skipped FHE, I'll explain why in a min), we both went on our first dates to Haunted Hollow, the local haunted house.
However, the sad new... In september, i think it was, his dad got a job in florida... and they were set to move on october 15th, 3 days after my b-day. so that was the only date we got to go on.
And, I'll admit, I am probably the least faithful of all girls. I went on dates... not a lot, but, hey, I'm a brunette who, at the age of 18, looks like I'm 12 (at least, people mistake me for that all the time). I can't exactly expect a lot of dates. But I did go on some... and I don't think he has gone out with anyone else to this day. Maybe with Sadie. No, wait, there was the one with Angel, but... well, I'll explain that in a minute. But, really... Well, I felt really special, you know? And I don't care if he dated anyone else. Sadie's a nice girl, and so's Angel.
But... well... um... we wrote. not a lot, mostly email, but it happened... and we started signing all our letters with "love". I think he just does that with pretty much everyone, but... for me to do that was pretty big. Maybe even silly, now that I think about it. But, yeah. In the next september (my senior year), his family decided that they were moving back to Utah.
Holy cow, the conflicts. There was another guy I was interested in... he's a long story too, part of the reason I'm so confused... but I had already asked this guy out for MORP, which was our Halloween dance, and there was NO way I was canceling on him. When my best friend moved to Missouri ON MY BIRTHDAY in 10th grade, I was devastated... and then this guy showed up, even though we didn't really become friends til we were put in advisory together (our last names are always right beside each other) and he was there to fill that gap and to cheer me up like she always did... and sometimes walked me to class... and... well, there's lots of good memories there. And I was going to my first big dance with him. So this Florida guy coming back... well, I wasn't too sure.
So, he came back a couple of days before MORP. And he found out rather quickly that I was going with my other friend. But he was okay with it. Well, he acted okay with it.
So I went and... my friend's date... "stood her up". What is it with my friends and choosing jerks? She's such a nice, sweet girl, and she's got those good looks, you know? At least, that was my opinion of her... and a lot of people's, far as I knew. But, she was left dateless, and she's the one who let me be in her group, I only knew the rest of them a little, and I had no idea what to do with this kind of date, so she kindly let me join her group.
It just so happened that I knew Blake was availible.
Yes, yes, I wasn't going to name names, but... those of you who do know me know who I'm talking about anyway, so... it doesn't matter, right?
And so, I phoned Blake... I knew the two of them had met, but it turns out that they didn't remember each other... Well, I asked my friend if it was okay with her first, and she agreed... poor girl was very upset... well, no kidding, I'd've been in tears if I'd've been her... but, yeah. Blake came.
Gosh, it was hard not to ignore him but not to pay more attention to him than I was to Nate...
After that, we... dated... pretty steadily. Blake and I. I really didn't date anyone else, though I kida tried to drop the hints with Nate... but, mostly, Blake n I group dated with his brother Jake and Jake's girlfriend, Chelsea (we became fast friends. ^^ That girl was so much fun!), and then Nate and Angel.
But, Blake and I were happy together. I'll admit that. I hardly noticed that Nate was dating Angel really steadily... okay, so Blake n I made fun of them a lot. but Blake and I were happy, and he's the nicest... okay, one of... I don't know. ONE of the nicest guys I know, for sure. Possibly the nicest. definately one of the runners up.
And then... I moved away in July. That was... really sad... but, yeah. he was saving up for his mission anyway, so we couldn't go on that many dates, but he insisted on spending a lot of money on me anyway, the sweet guy... but, yeah. I left in July, fully intending on returning to go to BYU by the end of August... which fell through. But I'm not gonna get into my US rampage right now. Nope, this one is dedicated to all you guys out there.
So. Left in July, to Red Deer, Alberta, Canada (I'm Canadian). Turned 18 in October. He turned 19 in November. His mission papers got lost, so he didn't get them until... oh, end of November, I think it was. I was second to find out that he was going to, of all place.... the Canada Calgary Mission!!!!!!
O.O
I seriously thought he was joshing me at first. However, he was serious. We all had a good laugh, my parents and I rushed to make sure we weren't in that mission (we're not, we're in Edmonton) so as to quiet the rumours that we knew would be flying around our old ward and our mutual acquiantances. (It quieted a few, but some... were not quieted, I don't believe...)
So. He left on January 11th. ... ... I... phoned him January 9th. Well, I phoned him the night before his farewell talk... that was on New Years. I phoned him to wish him a happy new year just a few minutes after midnight, and we talked for an hour. It was a really good talk.
Then, yes, I phoned him Jan. 9th. A Monday.
...
That was... well it was interesting.
All he wanted to talk about was missionary stuff.
I told him I planned on writing him a lot... Something like that. He wouldn't give me any promise in return.
There were also some things that I picked up that... that this was a break-up, I guess, but I wasn't sure... you know... girls get blamed on reading too much into things all the time, right?
Well, I think I was right.
He won't write me back!
I've sent him 4 letters. It's been... over a month since he left. One, the first one, I sent off the same day my parents sent off their letters (my little sisters' cards and one generic missionary letter my mum wrote to him and three other missionaries from our ward here), and, sure enough, he wrote back to them. And I know he got the package we sent--yeah, a package! with his birthday presents, a warm scarf and mitts, 4 candy bars, and a letter from me--because in his weekly email that he sent his parents and his parents sent off to some close friends and my parents--and I happen to know they've got my email address--but not to me. And his mom was talking to my mum on the phone--they're very close friends--and she asked if I was engaged yet.
ENGAGED! ENGAGED? WHY THE HECK WOULD I BE ENGAGED?
I swear, if one more person talks to me about being married and having kids (or, in my parents case, about wanting grandkids already), I'm going to... to...
Well, I want to scream. but I know I won't.
WHY THE HECK WON'T HE WRITE ME?
Okay, so... um...
he's not the only problem.
Nate. Nate. Where do I start with Nate?
Well, this afternoon I guess. Enrichment group Hockey Night met at Melissa's house. However, it's a long weekend--we get the week off, those of us at the college--and so a lot of people are gone... so it was just us two and her neice.
Melissa really, really likes guys... and likes to talk about them a lot.
And I don't mind, really. She and Kevin are a cute couple, anyway, and it's fun to see her gush about him--she's so happy when she does!
And then it turned to me.
Yes, Rebecca, what ABOUT the guys in your life?
They all suck.
I'm not hunting.
I think I'm in love... but with which one?
SIGH.
So I told her that I wasn't really interested right now, and that there was no one in our ward that was availible, really... So she started to give me the list.
Okay, so I should have been more specific. No one that I was interested in.
And then I started talking about Blake... about how he doesn't write me, yes, he's the one (I have a few missionary friends) in Calgary... and I told her a few stories from high school and after, our dating stories...
How did it change to Nate? I don't know... somehow... Something about pick-up lines. Nate always practices his pick-up lines on me... usually when I'm feeling down. They usually cheer me up...
I've put that boy through more than he deserves to.
Well, the problem here is that... Well, I started and finished antoher short story about him, a few stories after the pick-up line one (I told her just about as many stories aobut him as I did blake, I promise) and Melissa's comment was...
well, it was something like, "Wow, you can really tell that that guy is the light of your..." ... I cna't remember the last word. Maybe it was just my light, or the light of my life or something... I think it was the latter.
Do I really act like that?
I mean, I always though that I felt the same about the two... but...
Do I really talk about the two that differently?
I mean... Well, if there's anyone reading this that knows me... please do tell... for those of you that don't... I don't think you can tell from what I've said, but...
I don't know...
I'm even pretty sure that Nate doesn't even like me that way. Not anymore, at least. I mean, we still flirt... well, we flirt kind of... weird. Maybe he doesn't see it as flirting. But we argue a lot, and we both love it. We have webcams now... well, we've stayed up late chatting a lot of nights since I moved, and now that we both have webcams, we use those a lot. And it's hard to get him to smile, but I usually can during our "arguments".
and there's some of the usual flirting during it, too...
Okay, so I fish for compliments. It's hard not to! I really want this guy to tell me that he likes me, like how I look...
I never... well, I rarely, IF EVER, had to fish with Blake...
And it's not fair to either of them to compared them with the other. I have fun with both...
but Nate's a lot... I dunno. It's a different kind of fun. More my kind of fun. but I get mad at him a whole lot easier, too. Well, not necessarily AT him, but... Mad. angry. Upset.
Gah... I hate guys. men. males. boys. ALL OF THEM. WHY ARE THEY SO CONFUSING???
But, yeah. I have no idea how nate feels. He backs away from the real flirting a lot...
he smiled a lot this evening when we talked...
I don't know. Am I just on rebound because of Blake? do I just want a guy so people will stop bugging me? Or do I really really truly like this guy?
AND WHY DOESN'T HE LIKE ME BACK? crying
And it shouldn't even matter! He's leaving on a mission in July! He'll be back AFTER Blake gets back!
Gr... so... confusing...
This is WHY I'm not in the dating scene right now... Melissa wants me to ask some guys out. I pleaded the fact that the guys in our branch are scarce and mostly taken. She suggested Jordan and... some other guy... and some Dave Thompson that visits our branch sometimes...
She also mentioned Doug, but he's 27, as I found out last sunday...
I was actually attracted to him when I first came... but... 27?!? That's 9 years older than me! I'm not ready for that!
It's okay, though. I wanna finish my degree first. Get my degree first. Whatever. I'm not LOOKING for a date. or a guy. whatever. I'll live without dating, you hear me? Yeah! I don't need guys...
they're just nice to have around...
Um... there was more as to why I hated guys... but...
Why can't I remember?
Ah well. It's 3 in the morning. I'll write later if I remember.
Thanks for reading, if you made it this far. I make this sound like some 10 cent romance, eh? But much, much cleaner.
I wish... well... I've never kissed... It'd be nice.
I'm a dummy.
Time for bed. Maybe. It's my little sister's birthday tomorrow, and we're getting up early to open her presents...
OH!!! That's right! It's Crystal's b-day, too! I keep reminding myself, because I knew I was going to forget the moment I had a chance to send her a card.
I'm gonna do that rightaway.
Til next time,
your hopeless romance,
Becca-chan
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