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chibishinigamipuppy: lower my windooooow
chibishinigamipuppy: aaaand
chibishinigamipuppy: ignore it a bit.
chibishinigamipuppy: for like ten minutes
chibishinigamipuppy: then you can come back to it o0x
Zexy-thingy: all right. Gonna rant?
chibishinigamipuppy: yup >D
chibishinigamipuppy: kinda sorta
Zexy-thingy: Am I allowed to read it afterwards or no? (I'm taking it no, but yeah. xD Thought I'd ask anyway.)
Zexy-thingy: Or emo, rather.
chibishinigamipuppy: can if you want
chibishinigamipuppy: after it's said it's un-unsayable
chibishinigamipuppy: so it won't matter then >D
chibishinigamipuppy: it's just easier to talk when nobody's reading it as you say it
chibishinigamipuppy: *as I've noticed you think so too*
Zexy-thingy: *nod ^^;; *
Zexy-thingy: Sure thing, then. Go ahead.
chibishinigamipuppy: kk's. ty.
Zexy-thingy: I'm gonna find this thing if it kills me.
Zexy-thingy: Okay,.
Zexy-thingy: maybe not that far,
Zexy-thingy: but damn well near it.
Zexy-thingy: yw
chibishinigamipuppy: XD XD
Zexy-thingy: *closes window*
Zexy-thingy: *er,*
Zexy-thingy: *minimizes*
Zexy-thingy: BUT FIRST
chibishinigamipuppy: LMAO
Zexy-thingy: THANK GOD THIS SITE HAS ALBUM ART
Zexy-thingy: Sure,
Zexy-thingy: my CD has like,
Zexy-thingy: 22 tracks,
Zexy-thingy: but the song? Noooooo...
Zexy-thingy: of COURSE not..
Zexy-thingy: --++++
Zexy-thingy: Allr ight,
Zexy-thingy: go ahead.
Zexy-thingy: xD
chibishinigamipuppy: XD!!!! k
chibishinigamipuppy: ty
chibishinigamipuppy: Riley, a while ago, managed to catch onto me bein' not happy, o0x although she thought I was crying 'cuz I made one typo and failed to correct it. (I didn't see it so I couldn't correct it)
chibishinigamipuppy: XD so she made me do the Duo Oath.
chibishinigamipuppy: "I may run and I may hide but I never tell a lie: I'm not crying." xx;
chibishinigamipuppy: it was funny to me...anywhat...
chibishinigamipuppy: it was all over the whole thing with the girl I care about so much.
chibishinigamipuppy: wasn't crying then, still not, but it doesn't change that I want to. dunno why I'm not. o0x can't. whatever. XD I wanna but tears don't come. you probably had that happen once or twice too ne?
chibishinigamipuppy: wanted to listen to "Egao," which she sent me a long time ago when we still talked, 'cuz that conversation reminded me of her. as you saw with me talkin'a Chris about it.
chibishinigamipuppy: XD then remembered I don't have it on the laptop. which bothers me. 'cuz that's where all your problems of finding it are coming from. o0x
chibishinigamipuppy: but remembering back about what I told Chris and showed you about the convo we had,
chibishinigamipuppy: upsets me...to a degree that nothing else has. except maybe Dus dying...
chibishinigamipuppy: yeah. those two things are tied dead even.
chibishinigamipuppy: ...pardon he pun there.
chibishinigamipuppy: it bothers me like nobody's business. and I hate talking about it. 'cuz I always hate talking about things in case it sounds emo or drama king/queen-ish,
chibishinigamipuppy: but it only seems that way most of the time because I don't talk about stuff that gets on my nerves or upsets me until it bottles up so much I have no -choice,-
chibishinigamipuppy: 'cuz when it's to that point XD everything gets out. from the time it started to the time it exploded, and it makes it seem more attention-seeking than it otherwise would if it were said when it pops up.
chibishinigamipuppy: anyway...
chibishinigamipuppy: the SM, and the lines I said I wanted to put on that wouldn't fit...
chibishinigamipuppy: she always seemed to have that kinda personality where it fit her.
chibishinigamipuppy: that bothers me too. 'cuz everything I tried to make her cheer up at least 3/4 of the way didn't seem to work as much as she seemed to want to let on it did.
chibishinigamipuppy: whenever she came out and told me something bugged her, I did or said something to help out at least a little like with you, and exactly like with you it always felt like it was never as much as I wanted it to help,
chibishinigamipuppy: 'cuz even at the best times it always felt like she was pretending she was all the way cheered up. when it really seemed and felt like it was only half way, 3/5 at most.
chibishinigamipuppy: that feeling -ALWAYS- made me feel like I failed 'er somehow, 'cuz it's like, everything I tried didn't work as much as I wanted it to.
chibishinigamipuppy: and it always felt like I failed her because of that, 'cuz no matter how hard I tried it didn't work like it should've. that's probably repetative of what I said last.
chibishinigamipuppy: but that keeps popping up, 'cuz it always felt like I failed her when she was upset, and it feels like that when you are, 'cuz it never seems like I make/made -that- big a difference in cheering either of you up, even if it seems like or y'all say otherwise.
chibishinigamipuppy: I mean s**t. Roy's easier to cheer up even though that guy has issues I wouldn't -DREAM- of, just because somehow or other he does't give off that kinda "not quite happy yet" aura. he's like...better at hiding it I guess? but yeah...xx;
chibishinigamipuppy: but every time I talked to her there was this feeling like she wasn't quite as happy as she acted, and it always felt likeI was sitting right beside her when we talked, 'cuz we had such a close friend-friend relationship.
chibishinigamipuppy: *ignore gaia journal and these entries and past admitions of what she was to me. that's nto the issue here...much anyway...*
chibishinigamipuppy: and I know the dream deciphering said it sounded like I'm holding on too tightly, and like there's unresolved issues on hers and my parts, probably all of which are true to at least some extent.
chibishinigamipuppy: to be honest...in truth,...it kinda scares me that she managed to mean so much when we never even met. and I dunno that she knew it.
chibishinigamipuppy: I read back over a conversation we'd had once together in a chat, and she said something that I should've noticed because maybe there wouldn't be so much wrong now if I'd seen it, but she probably didn't know it's reciprocated. and it bugs me, 'cuz, like I said...we never met, never will now, and she still means everything. even though she shouldn't. even though it's probably pointless and stupider than all hell to think so. and think what you will, should you manage to get to this message
chibishinigamipuppy: but I can't exactly help that.
chibishinigamipuppy: there's no point in talking about something you can't change, I know, 'cuz it won't change just by doing so. but it just helps out sometimes to do it.
chibishinigamipuppy: but then again it always makes it that much worse to do so.
chibishinigamipuppy: XD and I know you can empathize with that.
chibishinigamipuppy: 'cuz I've heard (so to speak xx you say basically the same thing in reference to someone once or twice before.
chibishinigamipuppy: ...and I'mma ignore that smiley face...
chibishinigamipuppy: o0x and now...
chibishinigamipuppy: my room, without my roommate,
chibishinigamipuppy: kinda symbolises what it feels like inside XD
chibishinigamipuppy: half of the room's got all my crud in it, and it's all, full o0x
chibishinigamipuppy: to almost overflowing XD
chibishinigamipuppy: crud, my stuff might as well be growing along the walls like ivy XD!!!!
chibishinigamipuppy: and the side he was on,
chibishinigamipuppy: is like...-empty-
chibishinigamipuppy: o0x
chibishinigamipuppy: symbolic!
chibishinigamipuppy: it's so symbolic, that I hate it. 'cuz it bothers me to be in here with half a room full and the other half empty, simply because of that.
chibishinigamipuppy: but if I don't sleep in here >D there's nowhere to sleep
chibishinigamipuppy: and nowhere to go, 'cuz I'm not the kind who likes to just go out and be everywhere all the time like most other college people I've come into contact with so far, o0x
chibishinigamipuppy: that's why I'm online so much. besides that I love to death talking to people I know and have fun with like you and Riley and such,
chibishinigamipuppy: I just don't like being amongst a lot of people. (also, like you to an extent XD XD)
chibishinigamipuppy: but that doesn't mean I don't want one or two around...
chibishinigamipuppy: it makes the room feel less empty and ergo less painful to be in.
chibishinigamipuppy: >D and that half empty feeling,
chibishinigamipuppy: reminds me of that Jazz manga,
chibishinigamipuppy: because in an annoyingly realistic way,
chibishinigamipuppy: I know where the main doctor character is coming from with his whole "I feel empty inside; is this what love feels like? Wait a minute, is this what it feels like to love and lose it...? No one dies of a broken heart...Unless their heart can't take the pain" thing.
chibishinigamipuppy: God knows I shouldn't be in this mood or mind frame, 'cuz I've got a lot more than people overseas or even other people in this country do,
chibishinigamipuppy: and I should be glad I've even got that much, but call it the stupid humanity side of life,
chibishinigamipuppy: 'cuz every human has this problem at some point or other I don't care who they are or what they say,
chibishinigamipuppy: but it seems like something else should be there that isn't.
chibishinigamipuppy: kinda like, something's missing that would make it whole, y'know? o0x
chibishinigamipuppy: ...I know I should have said 15 minutes XD instead of 10. damn.
chibishinigamipuppy: anyway though...
chibishinigamipuppy: I know it's good to let out being upset now and then.
chibishinigamipuppy: people say that you'll feel better if you do.
chibishinigamipuppy: but for some reason it's opposite. at least, with me, it is. o0x
chibishinigamipuppy: 9.5 times outta 10,
chibishinigamipuppy: it just makes me feel that much worse. XD 'cuz admitting it openly,
chibishinigamipuppy: makes it seem more real, that something's wrong.
chibishinigamipuppy: and that something's big enough to get to me. o0x
chibishinigamipuppy: I'm gonna quit now.
chibishinigamipuppy: I feel like an idiot crying over an empty room.
chibishinigamipuppy: >D >D
Zexy-thingy: you shouldn't feel like an idiot about it. (Sorry, I know you probably don't want my input.. ^^;; ) It's funny and a little depressing how things like that can affect us, but I think it just means we're a little more in touch with our mind than some other people out there. To see a half-empty room and associate that with your personal life is a good thing, in my personal opinion. I think it takes away any or most senses of not knowing why you're upset. The fact that you can identify that probably numbs the pain a little more than it would if you didn't know what was getting to you so much, amoung other things, because that in itself can drive a person mad.
chibishinigamipuppy: ...why do there have to be so many good quotes from songs o0x 0ox
Zexy-thingy: I don't know... ^^;;
chibishinigamipuppy: "If I were to change the words I say to you, do you suppose they would reach you? Since that time, many seasons have passed; but even though I always smiled at your side, there is still one thing I can't say."
chibishinigamipuppy: "In this peaceful time, I want to connect a little more. I'm afraid to show you my soul. For a while, I walk apart from you, but why is it that your face looks about to break? I want to protect you, I want to be close to you."
chibishinigamipuppy: "Secret of my heart, you understand, right? Everyone feels like they want to escape sometimes. But if that's all we do, then nothing can begin. I can't say, but surely, absolutely, I'm calling for a chance."
chibishinigamipuppy: "I can't bear to lose the precious time I have spent with you. When you feel ready to give up, just believe. I just wanna say I'm not lost anymore."
chibishinigamipuppy: "Can't you see you're my dream? There will come a day when all the lies will easily be broken apart, and yet, things will never change. Secret of my heart, our future is forever."
chibishinigamipuppy: DAMNIT ALL.
Zexy-thingy: Those are all so pretty..
Zexy-thingy: sad as hell,
Zexy-thingy: but prett.
Zexy-thingy: pretty*
chibishinigamipuppy: XD yeah



All the lyrics above that I mentioned, plus what's on my SM now, are things I think (or, at least, used to think) to myself about the girl...Or...Would have liked to say her. Pardon my emo-ness up there. But I think I explained everything...
If you are a friend, or if you aren't, and you have something crude to say to me about anything I mention about the person here or in conversations, or reality, or anywhere...Keep it to yourself please...I am -really- -NOT- in the best mood to deal with it righ tnow...