Behind the door, there is a guy named Bob. He is trying to program his VCR but is failing miserably. Then he heard a crash coming from the kitchen. He ran to see what it was and found Bigfoot raiding his refrigerator. “You had better not touch that glazed ham! My mom made me that for Arbour Day!” he warned. But Bigfoot grabbed the ham and stuffed it into his fanny pack for later. He also grabbed a jar of peanut butter and some of those nasty processed cheese slices. Then he bolted out of the back door. Bob was absolutely furious. He knew what he had to do. He’d been saving this for his mother-in-law, but drastic measures had to be taken. He ran into the garage and emerged in full battle suit designed to look like Optimus Prime, but nowhere near as shiny. He chased Bigfoot, wielding a black matter laser and a super-soaker filled with beef broth. Have you ever tried to get the smell out? You can’t! They thundered past Kate’s house where Becka and Alyssa were armed with water balloons waiting for a few vegetable-heads to come by for some nachos and disgusting kool-aid. Satisa was armed in the backyard with a treecutter wearing her red Canada battle toque. Then Ben pulled up in a red sports car and kidnapped Becka. But as Bigfoot ran by, he accidentally stepped on Odai the ninja. Becka then committed suicide by jumping in front of Bob’s laser to get away from Ben. Bob felt terrible, but he had to stop this menace to glazed meats. He continued chasing Bigfoot, but as he ran by, he slipped on a banana peel and reeled backwards. The jolt activated the missiles. They went up and then they came back down. Cue the end of the world.
Floating through space, Bob came to a landing on mars. Luckily, his battle suit was missile proof. But it was not icing proof! A huge downpour of pink vanilla icing came upon him. It was so sweet it melted away the battle suit. Bob was now at the mercy of the Cupcake People! The cupcakes were a primitive race who were originally bred to service the overlords of the world, Allyssa, Kate, and two sexy male felons, Travis and William. But at this current time, they were off duty while traveling the universe. They had left Earth in the ever non-capable hands of four clones, thanks to the mad scientist, Mr. Avivi, and his spinning clone machine. Bob stood there waiting to face the Cupcake’s wrath, but it never came. They just stared at him. Then Steven ran by in short shorts. The Cupcake leader, Zach, went into their baking facility and radioed the overlords that a leprechaun had destroyed the world. “I am not a leprechaun!” Bob yelled. “I am only a height-challenged ginger!” The overlords affirmed that they would return, but it would be a few days. William had gotten his head stuck in a barracuda. In the mean time, Bob would have to try his best to survive in this alternate universe, where up is down, and boy bands play instruments. So to take his mind off of his hunger, Bob decided to explore a bit. He saw many a strange sight. He saw Steven and Mr. Pilkey frolicking through daisies, Chuck Norris wrestling with Zac the Zebra, and Alyssa K trying to get in on the action. Chubbs and Dangles were having celestial tea and crumpets while two British guys were playing Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robots. Chubbs spotted Bob and he pummelled him. It was too bad for Bob that he really needed to go on a diet. Chubbs had sat on his foot and it was just flat when he got up. Bob tried to take a step, but his pancake foot gave out and he stumbled down a hill. Complete with sharp rocks and Martian cactuses. His face landed flat in a pile of mashed ham. “My ham!” he cried in despair. Then he spotted Bigfoot trying to creep away. Bob was enraged. He pulled out his machete and ran after him. Bigfoot dove in a hole filled with what looked like cream soda but was really just toxic waste. Now normally, one would mutate when they dive into toxic waste but it turned out that Bigfoot was already a mutant. So when he emerged, he was just your average, bloodsucking lawyer. “You stole my ham!” Bob yelled. “Yes, but I’m a lawyer. I can do whatever I want, whenever I want,” Bigfoot retorted. “No you can’t!”
“You wanna, you wanna fight about this? Huh? You wanna take this to Wal-Mart or something?”
“No! I just want my flipping ham back!” Bob yelled. “Well that’s just too bad then, now isn’t it? Cause it ain’t a ham no more, it’s a pile of mush!” Bigfoot yelled back. And with that, Bigfoot rode away on his flying coconut. Bob just sat there, mourning the loss of his precious ham. But there’s no use crying over spilt milk. Or mashed ham. So Bob decided to return to the Cupcake’s home-base.
When he arrived, the Overlords had returned. Kate and Allyssa had been discussing how to punish Bob for his carelessness with bombs, while William and Travis compared abs. Not rolls, abs. They had decided to send Bob on a mission. “You must find the magical French salt mine!” Kate announced. “How am I supposed to find that?” Bob asked. “All you have to do is follow the ravens,” Allyssa said. And with that, they sent Bob on his way. After an hour of travelling Bob thought to himself, ”Hey…there’s no ravens on Mars!” So he sat down and pondered. Just then, a Tayter frog hopped by. “Wow this place is rattled,” Bob thought. He was even more surprised to hear the frog speak to him. “RIBBIT. Hey, hun.” Bob flipped out and slapped the frog right across the face. “Whoa, right across the face,” Tayter frog said. Then Bob booted it outta there. In the distance, he saw a strange building. As he approached it, he read the sign above the doors. “The Church of Muss.” He had to do anything to get away from that Tayter frog so he ran inside and slammed the door shut behind him. But the church service was in progress at the time. Zac the Zebra stood at the podium wearing something resembling a pope’s hat-thing. Zac the Zebra raised his hooves in the air. “Deeeece,” he chanted. “Deeeece,” the attendees chanted back. Bob was deeply creeped out. Then, a big red blur crashed through the windows which were painted with Zac’s favourite hockey players. The huge red mass stood up. It was Brady, the Russian ninja! He swung his nun chucks but they hit him in the face because he’s just that much of a vegetable. Everyone recoiled in fear. They knew what was coming. But Bob didn’t. He stepped forward and said “Who do you think you are? These people were innocently being stupid by trusting Zac the Zebra and his weird logic, and you came and disrupted them!” Russian Brady smiled evilly. “This brave man has stepped forward and accepted my offer!” he announced. Bob started. “Offer? What offer?” Bob asked. Zac the Zebra explained that Russian Brady had tormented them for years by eating all the cheesecake and interrupting their parties. So he had made an offer: he would stop harassing them if someone married his daughter. The first man to step forward would be the one. So now, Bob was the one. Bob went pale. “Well, what are you waiting for? Wed this fool and my daughter you can get on with your id [idiot] lives!” Then, the church doors swung open. A beautiful voice sang “Daddy, have you found the one I shall marry?” Then, a hot blonde bombshell floated in wearing a low-cut pale pink dress. Bob had to scrape his jaw off the floor. “Well, let’s get on with this, shall we?” Bob said sexily, taking her by the arm. “What? I’m not the one you have to marry, my twin sister is,” she answered. “Oh, well then lay her on me!” said Bob. Then, a huge mass walked in wearing a poufy white wedding dress. Oh my Lord, it was JERICA THE WHALE! The one who had captured Reilly, the sad little emo kid with the uncontrollably thick, luscious hair! Bob winced. What kind of problems had he gotten himself into now? “Now, wed them!” Russian Brady thundered. “Don’t be so rattled you id! What do I look like, a zebra to you?” Zac the Zebra retorted. “Yes, you do. Now do it or the deal’s off!” answered Russian Brady. So, Zac the Zebra wedded them, and they rode off into the sunset in a huge, bruised mango pulled by the loyal ninja flies, Morris, Doris, Loris, S’moris, Shnoris, Boris, Horace, Foris (Frankenstein Morris) and Johnny the Horsefly. And Bob lived… happily? Ever after. Except he never did figure out how to program that VCR.
- Title: The Door
- Artist: Gridlock in Paradise
- Description: Hahaha okay, this is a story I wrote for a creative writing assignment in English. We had to write about what was happening behind some door. I warn you though, it's built completely on inside jokes my friends and I share, and there is no possible way you will understand a word of it, but they begged me to post it so here you have it....
- Date: 08/17/2008