• Characters:
    Detective Shakespeare: A brilliant detective that is greatly inspired by William Shakespeare (so much that he went as far as to change his name). He is respected by his fellow detectives and it has been said that his entrance into a room made it significantly awesome.

    Douglas St. Claire: A rich business man and owner of the “Texas Peaches” Corporation. Sadly enough, he is the victim of a horrible and strange murder.

    Hannah St. Claire: A prim and proper woman that thinks very highly of herself. She will do anything for money and her high social status.

    Paris St. Claire: A young spirited girl who’s down in a metaphorical hole. She’s an unfortunate college student who faces the threat of getting kicked out due to failure to pay for tuition. Because of her finical position, she lives with her older brother, Douglas, and his wife, Hannah.

    Cop 1: One of the cops involved in the investigation of the murder of Douglas St. Claire. He admires Detective Shakespeare’s vitality and aspires to be as awesome as him. He also enjoys moonlit walks on the beach.

    Cop 2: Also involved in the investigation. He is always seen carrying around a bottle of Grapefruit juice and always has the scent associated with his person.

    Setting:
    In a warehouse of peaches, where the scent is usually sweet, an odd stench hangs in the air. A horrible event has occurred. The owner of said warehouse, Douglas St. Claire, lays on the floor, dead. Nobody knows how or why it happened or who did it. Only the great Detective Shakespeare can solve the case.

    Scene 1
    [The warehouse is dimly lit with crates of peaches and other peach products are all around, waiting to be shipped. The body of Mr. St. Claire is on the floor in the middle of the warehouse, a clipboard and pen lie not too far away, both stained with blood.]


    Cop 1 [standing in close proximity of the body]: Mr. Douglas St. Claire; age 40, Caucasian male. Time of death; midnight of August 10th.

    Cop 2 [walks over to Cop 1 holding a bloodied knife]: This must have been what did it.

    Paris [Comes in from outside with a confused look]: Did what?

    Cop 1 [Rushes over Paris and blocks her view from the scene]: Ma’am you might want to step back.

    Paris [Tries to look over his shoulder, her voice shakes as she speaks]: What’s going on? What’s that smell?

    Cop 1: Ma’am, I have some bad news. Mr. St. Claire was murdered last night.

    Paris [shocked]: Murdered?!

    Cop 2: I’m afraid so. However, worry not, for we have our best detective on the case.

    Detective Shakespeare [casually strolls in the same way Paris came in]: Shall I compare thy corpse to a mid-night summer’s day?

    Scene 2

    [Cop 1 and Cop 2 continue to examine the body. Detective Shakespeare and Paris are close by, both sitting on crates of peach preservatives.]

    Detective Shakespeare: Miss Paris, how do you know the victim?

    Paris [sniffles]: I’m his sister.

    Detective Shakespeare: I see. Was he married?

    Paris: Yes.

    Cop 1: Where would we find her?

    Paris: In a blue apartment building on 32nd Pit Street. It’s apartment number 506.

    Cop 1 [looks over at Cop 2]: I’ll go get her. [Leaves through the door to the outside]

    Detective Shakespeare: So, Miss Paris, tell me about yourself.

    Paris: M--me? Well… I’m a college student at the moment. However, I may not be one for very long.

    Detective Shakespeare: And why’s not?

    Paris: I don’t have the money. I was only able to pay for a few of my classes. The administration told me I could pay them along the way since I didn’t have it all at once. But, I haven’t been able to pay them anything since then.

    Detective Shakespeare: So, they’re going to kick you out?

    Paris [sighs]: Probably.

    Cop 2 [has Mr. St. Claire turned on his side]: Um, detective, you may want to see this.

    Detective Shakespeare [rises from the crates]: If you’ll excuse me. [He walks over the Cop 2 and stands next to him.] What is it?

    Cop 2: His intestines… they’re gone.

    Detective Shakespeare: What?!

    Paris [her eyes widen with horror and she covers her mouth]: I think I’m going to be sick.

    Cop 2: I’ll search the warehouse; maybe the killer left them here somewhere.

    Detective Shakespeare: And I’ll look through the office; there may be important pieces of evidence in there.

    Paris: It’s going to be locked, but worry not, I have a key. [She reaches into her pocket and pulls out a key] Here you go. [She hands the key to Detective Shakespeare]

    Detective Shakespeare: Why thank you [He walks over to the office door and unlocks it] Before I go in, I would like to clarify that this is indeed Mr. St. Claire’s office, yes?

    Paris: Yes it is, but his wife or I go in there to retrieve or put something in there for him sometimes.

    Detective Shakespeare: I see [he opens the door and casually walks in]

    [Just as Detective Shakespeare goes into the office, Cop 1 and Hannah walk in through the other door.]

    Scene 3

    [Hannah St. Claire is a thin woman with delicate features and a regal air. She has a large fur coat draped across her dainty shoulders and a silky lavender night gown and fuzzy slippers as her attire. Her hair is up in a neat bun and her face is dolled up with make up as though she was going out to the country club. She also has what seems like a rather large and expensive looking purse dangling from one shoulder. A look of boredom adorns her face, as though she isn’t the least bit surprised to have been brought here.]

    Hannah: What an awful smell, I must have the janitor clean up as soon as possible or else this stench will cling to the walls and ceiling.

    Cop 1: Uh, there’s the body ma’am [He points over to the body]

    Hannah: Yes, yes, I see it.

    Paris: Oh Hannah! It’s horrible! Douglas has been murdered! [She starts trembling and tears roll down her face]

    Hannah [Her tone is very nonchalant]: Yes, I see that too.

    Paris: [taken aback]: Oh…yes, yes of course you do.

    Hannah [she turns to Cop 1]: Sir, I would like to ask, where is the janitor anyway?

    Cop 1: He’s over at the police station, ma’am.

    Hannah: What? Why?

    Cop 2: He had suddenly thrown the doors open in frenzy. He was stuttering and stammering like a mad man. It took him at least 20 minutes to tell us that he when he walked in that evening to clean; he had found Mr. St. Claire dead.

    Paris: He went to the station? Why didn’t he call instead?

    Cop 2: He said there was no dial tone when he picked up the phone.

    Paris: The phone is broken? But… then why hadn’t he gone into the office and used the phone in there?

    Detective Shakespeare [He walks in coolly; no one knows he’s there till he speaks]: Because there are only three keys and the janitor has none in his possession.

    Cop 1: How can you be so sure?

    Detective Shakespeare [He holds up a piece of paper]: I found this, a receipt from many years ago. Apparently Mr. St. Claire had gone to a locks smith when he had received this warehouse. He had them make only two copies of the key to the warehouse and office. [He gestures to Cop 1] Will you sir, be so kind as to check our dead mans pockets.

    Cop 1: Um, sure. [He walks over to the body and crouches next to it. He then starts to rummage through the corpses pockets and pulls out a key] Found it.

    Detective Shakespeare: And now, Mrs. St. Claire, will you please show us your key?

    Hannah: Certainly [She twists her purse around and begins digging through it. She takes a jar wrapped in cloth out to get a better look in her bag. The object catches Detective Shakespeare’s eye. Finally Hannah takes out her key] Here it is.

    Detective Shakespeare: Good. [He looks over at Cop 2] Tell me, when you came here, was the door unlocked?

    Cop 2: Now that you mention it… No, it wasn’t. We had to bust open the door to get in. That’s why the lock looks mangled now.

    Detective Shakespeare: I see…

    Cop 1: I don’t understand- [He stops and scratches his arm thoughtfully] How [he scratches again] How is this relevant to the murder? [He lets out a frustrated sound and begins to fiercely scratch at his arms]

    Cop 2: What’s wrong?

    Cop 1: I don’t know; my arms are just so itchy. It started right after I got the key from the body.

    Detective Shakespeare: Hmm [He walks over and crouches next to the body, careful not to touch it] Take a look at this. [He points to the waist band of the pants] There’s a white powder here. I bet that’s what’s causing you to be so itchy.

    Cop 2: Itching powder? In his pants?

    Detective Shakespeare: Apparently so. [He looks up at Hannah and then at Paris] Ladies, I have some bad news. [He stands up]

    Paris: What is it?

    Detective Shakespeare: The person that murder Douglas St. Claire is here, right now. And that person is [He points to the two women] one of you two!

    Scene 4

    Paris: One of us?! Surely you are mista-

    Detective Shakespeare: No, I’m afraid not. There are only three people that can lock and unlock those doors and one of them is dead. That only leaves you two.

    Paris: But… But I’m his sister! Why on earth would I kill him?
    Detective Shakespeare: I’m glad you asked that. Miss Paris, were you aware that Mr. St. Claire has his will framed and hanging on the wall of his office.

    Paris: Well, yes. I would see every time I went in there.

    Detective Shakespeare: Which means you’re aware that upon his death, your brother was planning to leave you all of his money.

    Paris: I always did tell him that so much money was really not necessary…

    Detective Shakespeare: Oh but it is. Were you not telling me earlier that you are close to being kicked out of college because you cannot pay for you tuition? Not only that, but upon investigation of his office, it seems that Mr. St. Claire wasn’t lending you any money. Instead he wanted you to be able to support yourself and your own education. After all, just because he was your older brother did not mean he had to baby you.

    Paris: What does that have to do with anything?

    Detective Shakespeare: Well, Miss Paris, if you ask me, I would say that this would all be a pretty good motive for murder.

    Paris [shocked]: What? You think I murdered my own brother for money?

    Detective Shakespeare: It could be a possibility. But fear not, you are not the only suspect for this crime. [He turns to Hannah] Mrs. St. Claire, obviously you know that your husband was planning to leave his entire business to you, yes?

    Hannah: He mentioned it a few times, yes.

    Detective Shakespeare: That is, before he found out about your affair.

    Paris: Hannah?

    Hannah: Mr. Shakespeare, I am very well aware of all of this, so will you please get to your point.

    Detective Shakespeare: Yes, of course. I believe you killed your husband before he got the opportunity to change his will for the business to go to his best friend.

    Hannah: Hardly. I never cared for this silly peach business, so I’m afraid that your assumptions are very wrong. [She takes out a hand held mirror and a tube of lipstick and begins to touch up her lips]

    Detective Shakespeare: I see. Then perhaps I should continue my investiga-

    Cop 2: Detective! Look at what I found! A peach!

    Detective Shakespeare: Oh yes good work, you have found a peach… in a warehouse full of peaches.

    Cop 2: But, it’s half eaten though. And it has remains of lipstick on it.

    Detective Shakespeare: Lipstick huh? [He looks over at Hannah] Mrs. St. Claire, may I see that tube of lipstick you have there?

    Hannah [stops applying lipstick]: Why?

    Detective Shakespeare: I would like to compare that color with that of the color on the peach.

    Hannah: I’m afraid I can’t let you see- [Detective Shakespeare lunges toward her and grabs at her purse] Detective Shakespeare! What are you doing?!

    Detective Shakespeare: Getting my evidence!

    In the midst of the fray, the sound of a glass jar breaking is heard. Both Hannah and Detective Shakespeare freeze. There, on the floor, was a mixture of peach preservatives, broken glass, and something that resembled some sort of human organ…?

    Scene 5

    Paris: H-hannah?

    Detective Shakespeare: Ah ha! I was right! You are the murderer after all!

    Hannah: Yes. I am the one who killed Douglas. However, my motive is not what you think. I was telling the truth when I said I no longer care for this peach business. Instead, what I care about is the treasure map.

    Cop 2: Treasure map?

    Hannah: Yes. Apparently my late husband had been going through some old things given to him by long gone relatives. It seems his family had quite a lineage and many old objects to prove it. One thing in particular to catch his eye, was the treasure map. Or, at least he said so in his journal.

    Paris [gasps]: You read his private journal?

    Hannah [ignores her]: When I confronted him about this map and why he hadn’t mentioned it to me, he refused to speak about it. He even denied ever knowing anything about a map. I tried everything to get him to talk. I stole papers from his office and peach preservatives from the warehouse. I even went as far as to put itching powder in every single pair of boxer shorts he owned. But still he refused to talk! And then one day, he came to me and said that I will never find it. He said that he had hidden it where I would least expect it. For weeks I wondered where this secret place could be. Then it hit me. He has a friend downtown that’s a surgeon. From there, I figure he had it hidden somewhere inside himself.

    Detective Shakespeare: So you killed him? But, why did you take out his intestines?

    Hannah: Oh please, Mr. Shakespeare, where else would you be able to hide a rolled up piece of parchment?

    Detective Shakespeare: So, you killed your husband to find the map. The problem was; it wasn’t on or in his person.

    Hannah [sighs]: Exactly.

    Cop 2: Well, I’ve heard enough! [He takes out a pair of handcuffs] Hannah St. Claire, You are under arrest for the murder of Douglas St. Claire. [He looks over at Cop 1] Are you coming?

    Cop 1 [frantically scratching]: It’s so itchy!

    Cop 2: Whatever, we’re done here.

    Detective Shakespeare: Wait! Don’t you want to know where the map is?

    Paris: You… you know where it is?

    Detective Shakespeare: Why, of course I do.

    Hannah: Where?! Where is it?!

    [Detective Shakespeare walks over to the far end of the warehouse next to the door to the outside and stops right in front of the broken phone.]

    Paris: Um, detective, that phone doesn’t work, remember?

    Detective Shakespeare: Oh yes, I know. And I know why it doesn’t work either. [He takes hold of the phone by the handle and begins to unscrew the bottom]

    Cop 2: Detective Shakespeare, what on earth are you doing?

    [He continues to unscrew until the bottom comes off. He then starts to tap on the top of the phone until a rolled up piece of parchment falls out.]

    Hannah: The map!

    Detective Shakespeare: In the place you would least expect it.

    Cop 2: Good work detective! Not only did you solve the case, but you found the map too!

    Detective Shakespeare: It’s all in a days work. Anyhow, [he walks over to Paris] Miss Paris, I believe this belongs to you. [He hands her the map]

    Paris: M-me?

    Detective Shakespeare: Why yes. Everything Mr. St. Claire once owned all goes to his best friend and if you had seen the revised version recently, his best friend is you.

    Paris: Really? [Starts tearing up] Looks like I can finish my education.

    Detective Shakespeare: Indeed you can Miss Paris. Now, if you’ll excuse me [He turns away from her] I must go. Justice has been served.

    [Detective Shakespeare, Cop 2, Hannah, and the very itchy Cop 1 all walk out of the warehouse together with Paris waving goodbye behind them.]

    Paris [She turns toward the body]: … Who’s going to clean this up?




    The end