-
I stretched my right arm forward, as my body lay on this worn
mattress. Everything is dark for the time being. My eyes begin to twitch with
the daylight seeping through the windows. My head's in a slight daze, as
it always is in the mornings. The first thing that comes to mind is
the same thought that rushes through my head every morning, "I hope
someone is watching me...". This weird fantasy of being watched upon whilst
I awake is something I've had to cope with for the last few weeks.
Maybe the mirrors are taking their toll on me, eating away and making me
more self conscious about every action I take. Maybe these years of
loneliness and emotional storage are finally finding their way out of the
confines of my mind. I don't know, I don't know.
My right arm brushed up against something soft as I stretched it past
my head. Any other day, I would have mistaken it for a pillow and gone
back to sleep. Today, though, something was different. I turned around,
and as my face jerked over, my heart stopped. There she was. I must be
dreaming, I must be dreaming. My eyes darted back and forth as I
examined her beautiful face. My mouth formed the letters of her name, but I
did not hear the spoken word, as if it was blurred out. Her eyes opened
up and met mine. I was stunned by her sheer beauty. I don't want to
wake up, if this is some sort of dream.
We stared at each other, face to face. I began to scan lower and
noticed she was wearing a silk bathrobe and slept underneath the same
blanket as me. I was a bit confused as to how this happened, but what I saw
was no match for what I've wanted - which was to be in this very
situation. I directed my attention back to her face and gathered up the energy
to speak to her.
"You have the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen..."
That's all I could say. I've wanted to hold her and kiss her for so
long, but always held back and never even tried to get close to her. Even
in close situations, I was a coward and left her alone. I wanted to
put my hand on her leg while at her house, and my arm around her
shoulders at the movie theatres. I've wanted to be close to her for so long,
but without having to ask for permission or acting against her will. I'm
a gentleman at heart, but full of lust and greed. I want her for my
own, now. I want her to be mine. I'm greedy and only think of my desires
now. I forget that other people have thoughts, other people have
consciences, other people have doubts. Other people are judgemental, but I am
the one who's been judging myself. My heart aches. Time to let the
desires take their course.
She looked into my eyes and spoke, "Dean, I know you want me. I know
how you feel. Take your hand and feel through my hair, go ahead, do it
now."
I couldn't hold back. I pushed back her hair and ran my fingers
through it. It was so soft. I continued to look into her deep, dark eyes,
awaiting my next command. I want her to be happy. I want her to be happy.
"... You think about me all day long. I bet you think about touching
me, holding me, kissing me, don't you? Well, it's my turn now."
She pushed my hand aside and touched my face, sliding her fingers down
my lips and across my neck. She leaned in, her face now only
centimeters from mine, her breath slithering down my neck. I've told her
everything, now. Everything dark, everything hidden, everything locked away.
She knows what I want...
Without notice, she began to nibble on my ear. My breathing became
faster, my mind was in a rush. Faster she bit, faster she licked, faster
my heart paced. "Close your eyes" she wispered into my ear, and within
seconds my eyes were closed, everything was dark. Something rough
wiggled over the top of my head and roped itself around my neck. "Okay, open
your eyes now." As my eyelids opened, I looked down to see a thin rope
tied around my neck. It was a leash of some kind, and she held the end
of it.
"I love you" shot out of my mouth. My mind was oblivious to what was
happening. My love for her has blinded my judgement... or maybe I knew
what was happening and enjoyed it. She was mine, after all, and I
allowed her to do such things to me. "I love you too. Now you have to trust
me, my love. Show me how much you love me." The blankets fell over the
side of the bed. I could now see her body, something most men would lie,
cheat and steal to see, but I am not like most men. I did not drool
over her feminine parts like some dog, but rather embraced her beauty all
over.
She hopped onto my shirtless chest, rubbing her hair against my
stomach. She was so soft. Her face slowly managed her way up my body, and
rested on my shoulder. I turned to her. "... don't cry, Dean" she wispered
as tears filled my eyes. A reflex, I guess. I was not sad. "I hope
this is what you want" I said, mesmerized by her beautiful eyes still.
"Dean, you make me happy. You cheer me up when I'm sad. I want you to be
happy now, ok?". I smiled a great big smile and leaned my face in a
bit...
We kissed. My first kiss. As my lips met hers, she held a firm grasp on
the leash. She would pull it back every few seconds, forcing me to
lean back in for what I desired. She loved me, and I loved her. I didn't
need control. I didn't want control. She took care of that for me...
-
Title:
Control
-
Artist:
Satielreks
-
Description:
This is a small piece of fiction that I wrote a couple summers ago. It was during a time when I was very lonely, both physically at my home (I was home alone all day long) and socially (my one friend who kept me company through text messages had disappeared completely). It's a mixture of personal thoughts, day-dreams, fantasies and my own personal demons. I hope its not too graphic towards the last half.
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Date:
03/13/2009
-
Tags:
control
satielreks
satiel
fiction
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