• SIDE STORY 4 PART 3 - ON THE EDGE

    Everything you had once cherished and leaned on is now gone. Your hope dissipated along with them. You're on the edge, your toes inching their way over, and if you fall off, who will catch you?

    My stomach was in knots and my heart was lodging into my throat. I fought hard to choke back the tears that built up. This orphanage wasn't a home, nor would it ever be. I wanted to go home and be welcomed by mom and dad and Aya. They're probably making dinner right now, wondering when I am. I clenched my bag tight and my heart lodged into mmy throat more and it felt as though it had expanded as well.

    "I'll lead you inside," Ms. Okenawa guided me towards the orphanage and the cab took off.

    She stopped the suitcase and opened a large door to the orphanage. She huffed the large suitcase inside and I followed her in silence. Immediately when I walked in, there were curious childish eyes glued to me. They were all so young, probably between a year and ten years. I didn't care about why they were here at the moment, I had my own problems to grieve over.

    "Follow me, I'll lead you to your room," Ms. Okenawa smiled lightly at me.

    I followed her--in silence again--to an old-fashioned elevator. This whole building seemed old-fashioned. Probably made in the eighteen-hundreds. We climbed into the elevator and rode up in silence once more. I knew Ms. Okenawa wanted to ask me many questions, but she probably didn't want to ask anything she would think would be too personal. The elevator stopped and opened up at the third floor and we exited the elevator. I followed Ms. Okenawa down the short hallway and she turned to the first open door on the right.

    Inside the large room were six twin-sized beds, all with white sheets and comforters and pillows. The room seemed dense and dim, only one light to brighten the room. The hardwood floors and wood paneling on the walls were dark brown. There were no dressers, just bags and suitcases and totes stowed in the corners and dirty clothes strewn across the floor. There was only one other person in the room, next to Ms. Okenawa and I, and she was sitting in a ball on her bed and it looked like she was reading. Her blond hair was dimmed severely by the poor lighting and lack of sunlight from the partially closed blinds. She turned her curious head towards us and cocked her head to the side and stared at me in curiosity.

    "Who is this?" she asked in a somewhat chirpy tone.

    "Kurabashi Arisa," Ms. Okenawa set a hand on my shoulder, "she is our new guest here."

    "Oh," the girl said in surprise. "That's cool." she smiled.

    "Arisa, that's Mikutara Chi," Ms. Okenawa told me. "She's the one that's your age."

    Chi climbed off of the bed and made her way towards me, extending one hand out for a friendly handshake, "It's nice to meet you, Kurabashi-chan,"

    I stared at her in apathy for a moment and looked down. Chi lowered her hand slowly and Ms. Okenawa rubbed my back, "I'm sorry, Chi. She's been going through a rough time."

    "I understand," Chi nodded.

    Ms. Okenawa guided me to an unoccupied bed that was next to Chi's. She gently grabbed my bag from me and placed it on the bed. She reposed her hand on my shoulder once more, "Let's go downstairs and introduce you to everybody else,"

    So we made our way down again in the elevator with Chi tagging along. She seemed to look pretty excited to have somebody her age here. I wanted to distance myself from them, but it was hard to do so in such a cramped elevator made in the nineteenth century. The elevator opened up again and as soon as I climbed out, the same curious eyes were following me once more. Ms. Okenawa led me into what I assumed was the living room and put on a big smile for everybody while I looked down again.

    "Everybody, this is Kurabashi Arisa," she introduced formally. "She is our new child here and has been through a very rough time recently, so please treat her with the utmost respect, if you would."

    Everybody continued to stare at me and a couple giggled about something or another. Great, people were already laughing at me here; so it's no different from school. I peeked at the little kids through my bangs and they all seemed to look pretty shy, too shy to approach me. I probably looked like a monster with the condition I was in.

    "You may go back upstairs if you'd like," Ms. Okenawa allowed. "Have Chi take you up."

    Without waiting for Chi, I turned around and headed towards the elevator. I heard Chi jogging to catch up to me and the ride back to the room was also in silence. I felt as though I didn't know how to talk anymore. I sat on my new and stiff bed and Chi sat on hers again and continued reading. I hugged my pillow to my chest and crossed my legs, thinking...How will I survive with no support?

    ~*~*~*~*~*~

    "Arisa?" Ms. Okenawa peeked her head into the room.

    I lifted my face from my pillow I had buried it in for the past fourty-five minutes and looked over at Ms. Okenawa. Ms. Okenawa walked into the room and behind her, two police men entered and stood next to her. Ms. Okenawa pulled up some chairs from a drawing table and placed them next to my bed for the police men to sit. Chi was looking around in confusion and Ms. Okenawa dismissed her and Chi left. One police man pulled out a notebook and a pen as Ms. Okenawa sat at the foot of my bed.

    "I'm very sorry," she said seldomly, "but these men need to know what happened the night your parents died so they can have a lead on the killers."

    As soon as she said "parents died" and "killers", I flinched and buried my face in my pillow again. I hugged my pillow tighter and refused to say anything. I didn't want to talk anymore in fear that the murderers could be watching me and listening to any private things I say and they could come after me too.

    "Arisa, please," Ms. Okenawa tried to meet me halfway sympathetically. "We're trying to help you."

    I shook my head and we sat for another five minutes before Ms. Okenawa lead the police men out with no evidence of what happened that fateful night. Ms. Okenawa closed the door, probably allowing me some time to myself. I didn't want to see anybody, I didn't want to talk to anybody, I couldn't take this anymore. I hopped off of my bed and went searching through my bag and pulled out my vegetarian pills. I snuck out into the hallway and searched for a short second and found the bathroom and opened the medicine cabinets. Surprisingly enough, there were many different pain killers and prescriptions. I grabbed a bottle of pain killers and rushed back into the room, shutting the door quietly.

    I pulled out a water bottle that the nurses at the hospital had packed for me in my bag and I set the two bottles of pills on my bed in front of me. I popped open both bottles and pulled out several pills from each one and sealed the lids again. I unscrewed the lid to my water and I began, popping in one pill at a time and losing control of myself after every pop. I threw the water--without the lid--as soon as I was done and I curled up, hugging my pillow again. My heart was beating rapidly from either fear or adrenaline. I clenched my fists and breathed deeply. I couldn't believe I had just done what I did. Was I seriously going to try to commit suicide? I'm not that kind of person, so why am I doing it? It was too late to ask questions now because the deed had already been done. I smiled lightly to myself, Mom, dad, Aya, I love you all. I couldn't help but think that was corny, but it was true. We were going to be reunited as a family again. There would be no way I'd be able to survive on my own.

    I sat and waited, my heart starting to calm a little. It was taking too long but it will happen eventually, right? I fondled with my fingers and hummed mom's lullaby to myself and rocked back and forth on my bed, surprised at how much calmer I was after humming mom's lullaby. After another half hour, I started to feel dizzy and queezy, but kept doing what I was doing. After another fifteen minutes, I started sweating and my head was throbbing. I was getting closer, closer to mom and dad and Aya. My tears started acting up, but I was too messed up now to know whether or not they were tears of sorrow or tears of joy. I had nothing; no home, no friends, no family, no emotional support. There would be no way I'd survive with having to start over again.

    My chest became tight and I could feel something building up inside. I leaned over to the side and threw up in the trashcan I had brought over. I fell back onto my bed and rolled to my side to vomit in the trashcan more and more. I couldn't stop vomiting for several seconds and when I finally did for a few minutes, I clutched my pillow close to me and started crying. Mom, it hurts, it hurts! The pain I was feeling was difficult to describe; vomiting constantly, dizzy, sweating, headaches, it just felt like I was going to implode. I vomited in the trashcan a few more times and curled up on my side and continued to cry. I had no severe regrets about what I was doing, but part of me started wondering; what if this fresh start turned out to be a good thing? It was already too late, and besides, every fresh start I had been granted always went wrong without me even causing it.

    I stared at my hands and they were shaking violently and my whole body was pasty white. I was sweating all over and I started to feel cold. I heard a knock at the bedroom door and wished I had the voice to tell whoever it was to go away. There was another knock and shortly after, the door creaked open. I couldn't see who it was since my back was turned against the door but as soon as I recognized the voice, I knew who it was.

    "Kurabashi-chan!" it was Chi.

    Chi ran up to me and stared in shock at my pale face and dying self. She looked into the trashcan and immediately looked away after seeing all of the vomit I hacked up. She shook my shoulder, "Kurabashi-chan, what happened?! Are you okay?!"

    I gave her a faint and distant smile, my vision blurring. Chi looked over at the foot of my bed and grabbed the two bottles of pills and she gaped. She immediately ran into the hallway and cried for help, freaking out. I couldn't make out any of the words she was crying; everything was muffled. Chi attended my side again and was crying severely already. Was she really worried about me? My vision was blurring a little more from either tears or the fact that I was dying. I wasn't hurting as much; my fingertips were numb, at the least. Chi continued to call out my name, but I could barely make it out. My grip on my pillow loosened and I drifted off into unconsciousness, Mom, dad, Aya, I won't be alone anymore...

    ~*~*~*~*~*~

    Okay, I knew there had to be something wrong. I saw no light, I saw no afterlife, I didn't see my parents or my twin. I couldn't hear any beautiful music or see any beautiful people. I didn't feel as though I had been uplifted and saved by death. The only thing I could see was black and the only thing I could hear was a continuous beep. I was still feeling like crap, but why?

    "No, she hasn't woken up yet," I heard a female voice confirm quietly and a pair of feet leave the room.

    What? That wasn't Aya's voice...or mom's. Where were they, then? The voice was somewhat familiar, but I couldn't exactly lay my finger on it. I reluctantly and hesitantly cracked open my eyes and was surrounded in the dull colors of the hospital once more. Looking over to my left, Chi turned around and her face filled with panic.

    "Kurabashi-chan!" she immediately clasped me tightly in her arms.

    Chi? What was she doing here? I know she was the one that found me dying, but why was she willing to come see me in the hospital? How was I still alive after popping all of those pills?

    "You scared the wits out of me!" Chi's tears filled her eyes.

    I still was unable to speak. I don't think I have spoken since I last arrived at the hospital before this time. How long have I been here, anyways? And Chi...she was crying.

    "You've been in here for a day so far," she wiped away some free-run tears. "You might be released today. What got into you to try and commit suicide?"

    I flinched and looked down. I didn't want to answer at the moment, I was still in pain. I felt like if I opened my mouth, I'd vomit again. My head was killing me and I was pretty sure somebody was punching my stomach from both the inside and the outside. But my heart was leaping. Chi was actually worried about me. She's probably the first peer to worry so much about me; she even went to get help right away when she saw me in the bedroom. She was a different peer, one that I could probably trust.

    "You don't...have to tell me if you don't want to," she looked down. "I just want to make sure that doesn't happen again."

    Tears welled up in my eyes and I started cursing myself internally for how retarded I had been acting. Actually trying to kill myself; I knew better than that because I'm nothing like that kind of person. I turned my hand over slowly and opened it up for Chi to see. Chi stared at my hand for a moment and after wiping away a few more tears, she hesitantly took my hand in hers. I could barely squeeze her hand.

    "I'm...sorry," I choked on the pain of my sore throat from when the murderer tried to suffocate me.

    Chi let out a very short halfhearted laugh and cried again, "You speak,"

    I nodded and smiled at her and cried some more. I was already starting to feel so much better now that I know somebody my age is starting to care about me. Maybe my parents and my sister didn't want me to die. Maybe they know that this new start is a good one. They were going to help me through this, right? Chi would help me through my most recent incident that wound me up where I am now. Mom and dad and Aya would make sure I would be okay; they wouldn't let anything awry happen to me. I felt guilty, however, because mom and dad had always said to stay strong and don't give up so easily; that's exactly what I did. I figured suicide would be the best way out of this, but it's not. I'm a routine person, so it will take me years to get my life back on course.

    "Kurabashi-chan, I know we barely know each other," Chi looked down, "but I'd like to be your friend...if you don't mind. I want to help you through your traumatizing experiences. Just please let me be of aid."

    I thought for a moment and nodded. Chi stood up and leaned over to give me a gentle hug and we both started crying again. What I did was wrong, horribly wrong. It was the last thing I should have done, but it's over now and I have learned my lesson. Mom and dad and Aya would be disappointed at the choice I tried to make and I would loathe myself for it forever. But now that I have the support of Chi--the first peer to ever truly care--I can start getting my life back on course once more.