• Wednesday, October 26th, 2011

    I’ve never kept a diary before. It has always seemed stupid, since it could potentially be stolen, and read by a nemesis that could then use the information to their advantage. But considering I’m temporarily on hiatus, I suppose it doesn’t matter. And I’m bored, considering I’m not busy putting any brilliant plans together. So! Diary! Journal! Whatever this nonsense is!

    Assuming anyone else ever reads it – because honestly, what would I need to read it for? I’m writing the content; it’s not like reading it will do me any good – let me start off by saying this:

    My loyalties have not changed!

    I am still a selfish, egoistic, self-centered megalomaniac with the brains and the ability to take over the world, and the confidence and determination to see it through.
    I am, and always will be, what society defines as a ‘bad guy.’ I will never switch to the side of ‘good’. I’m not one of those cliché villains you see on TV who ‘sees the light’ and helps out humanity for the ‘good of mankind’ blah blah blah, yada yada yada, etc.


    I am taking a temporary break from my plans of world domination for one reason, and one reason alone: I’m going on a date on Friday!

    I swear it was the most exciting thing ever! I was in the middle of a fight with your stereotypical Captain Good-Guy, and my cell phone rang. I trapped Captain Good-Guy and his two sidekicks, and then I picked it up, fully ready to bite someone’s head off for interrupting me. And then I heard his voice! I could have fainted. I told Captain Good-Guy to hold on a moment, and took the call, feeling like a bit of an idiot for acting like a complete girl in the middle of one of my plots. And then he just pops the question, asks if I want to go out on a date.

    Yes! Duh!

    Well, I was so excited that whatever plot I was working on just didn’t seem nearly as interesting anymore. CGG was sitting there, trapped, trying to convince me that I was evil, wicked, a bane to society blah blah blah. That wasn’t very interesting in the first place. And I’ve heard it before. I mean, come on! I’m a renowned villain. I’ve been on the front page of the newspaper twelve times already. And he’s given me the speech… seven times? I think the first three front pages were all against different heroes, the first two whom I killed, and the third who I managed to send to an insane asylum. The next two were the same guy, don’t remember his name, and then Captain Good-Guy and his minions showed up. Yeah, let’s go with seven.

    In any case, I did not feel like sticking around and listening to him yap. I considered my choices, and it occurred to me that I could pick up the package another time – such as after my date – and leave the scene of what would otherwise have been a crime.

    But that would have been counter-intuitive, so I changed my mind and continued to wait for the package to get there. And waited. And waited. And then I stopped caring. I’d just get it later.

    This week will be a temporary hiatus from taking over the world, as I do silly things like calling all my best friends and squealing like a girl.






    Thursday, October 27th, 2011

    Hiatuses are all fine and dandy, but even if it’s only until Friday, this is pretty boring. I talked to all my friends – all two of them – for at least an hour a piece, I did my homework, I even baked cookies (that went horribly wrong, by the way. Whoever wrote down the instructions for how long to cook that brand is going to find themselves in a fate worse than hell, when I find them) and I was still bored out of my skull. What do normal girls do when they’re anticipating something exciting?

    I gave up and started planning out how to get the package on Saturday, after my date, but I couldn’t concentrate on that either. I think I’m going to go crazy before tomorrow!
    And just for the record? Writing in a diary? BORING!






    Friday, October 28th, 2011

    ********. Damn. s**t. Crap.

    It occurs to me that, as a villain, I really should know a lot more curse words. I guess it comes from not losing to those so-called super heroes. And no, I did not lose to Captain Good-Guy. I have not fallen that low.

    Captain Good-Guy goes to my school. I probably should have noticed this before now, but somehow I didn’t. I guess it’s not that surprising – he’s a year older than me, it’s a pretty big school, and I’m in the advanced classes while he’s in the ones for retarded idiots, but I still should have noticed my nemesis of, what, eight months? Well, I guess he doesn’t broadcast his alter-ego either, but as if that matters – anyone could figure it out, if you got that close to them. I mean, masks aren’t that effective. And he doesn’t even do anything intelligent, like alter his voice or wear a wig or any of that nonsense. Not that I do. The way things are right now, I’m untouchable, although I do stop the newspapers from showing any pictures, you know, to protect my privacy. It sounds difficult, but believe me, it’s not – newspapers flaunt that whole “freedom of speech” thing, but if you throw around some cash, some power, and a few threats here or there, it’s not that hard to get what you want.

    What was I talking about? Right! I ran into him today! I went to talk to that guy I’m going on a date with, let’s call him X, since I’d rather not broadcast to the world who I’m madly in love with. Turns out, the two of them are good friends. What the hell? I’ve been madly in love with this guy for years, and that moron talks to him on a daily basis? He doesn’t even deserve to breathe the same air as X! Who does he think he is?

    Well, X tried to introduce me to my nemesis. And although Captain Good-Guy is a complete moron, it would be asking too much to expect him not to notice who I am. So while we were being introduced to one another, the two of us were staring at each other, utterly dumbfounded.

    The conversation went something like this:

    X: Let me introduce you. This is-

    CGG: Wait, this is the girl you were talking about?

    Well, yes, what did he think I was, a squirrel? I can’t be a villain all the time!

    X: You two know each other?

    CGG: We’ve met.

    Ooh! Touchy! No need to snap. You’re the good guy, remember. That’s one of the countless problems with them. They’re not very good at poker faces. They get angry, they look angry. They see a villain, and they can’t see anything except a villain. So stupid. And it wasn’t going to help clear this awkward moment up. Since I’m not a good guy, though, my poker face was flawless, and I presented a vaguely interested smile.

    Me: A few times. What was your name again?

    The look on his face! Ooh, priceless! I think for a moment he was trying to figure out if I wasn’t the villain he thought I was after all! I maintain that masks are stupid, given that they impair your vision, but I sort of wish I’d been wearing one – he’d have been completely fooled if he didn’t recognize my face.

    X: This is-

    CGG: None of your business!

    X was looking back and forth between us, trying to figure out where the animosity was coming from. “Oh, we fight each other over the safety of the city and the world and all that jazz on occasion, nothing special.” I can just imagine his reaction, and it would not be good. And given how bad Captain Good-Guy is at hiding things, I half-expected him to blurt it out right then and there. I needed a moment to talk to him alone, which wasn’t going to be the easiest thing to construct.

    However, being the genius that I am, I managed to come up with something on the spot.

    Me: Could you excuse us for a moment?

    I grabbed his arm and forcibly dragged CGG out of earshot.

    …

    Even a genius has an off-day. And I said I came up with something, not that I came up with something clever. I’m sure you couldn’t have come up with something better in a split-second. Whoever you are.

    Me: Look, I don’t know how much he knows about your whole saving the world shenanigans, but let’s make something clear. If you tell him-

    CGG: He doesn’t know? I thought it was strange, for him to be dating a criminal.

    Me: I prefer the term ‘villain’, thank you very much.

    CGG: So he doesn’t.

    Me: Know that I’m a ‘bad-guy’ who regularly tries to take over the world? Of course he does! I tell everyone about my after-school hobbies!

    CGG: Sarcasm. Nice.

    Me: Like I was saying, if you tell him-

    CGG: You’ll do what? Kill me? You try to do that all the time anyways.

    I was fuming. This guy always pissed me off, but we were at school, where I was at least trying to maintain my image. Lunging at him or trying to beat him up would be frowned upon. Also, I wasn’t entirely sure what to say. I really didn’t want X to know – it’s not the sort of thing you reveal to a guy just when you start dating. During the pause, CGG realized something.

    CGG: Wait, that’s why you left early the other day, isn’t it? He asked you out that night.

    ********.

    CGG: You stopped your evil deeds because you found out you were going on a date.

    Damn.

    CGG: And if I tell him, he’ll dump you.

    s**t.

    Okay, that was ten minutes on the internet with nothing to show from it. Who knew it would be so difficult to find other curse words?! ‘c**t’ seems to be the most severe, but it doesn’t really fit, and it’s rather awkward to say. And ‘bollocks’ is a bit outdated. Let’s just say that CGG is a ******** son of a b***h and leave it at that. Except then I start thinking about Freud’s whole Oedipus complex thing and it just gets worse.

    You know what, screw it, I’m just going to stick with ********, damn, s**t, and crap.

    Me: If you tell him, I’ll ******** kill you, and rest assured, I will go straight from taking over the world, to blowing it into smithereens!

    CGG: Don’t worry. I won’t tell him.

    He was smiling. Who the hell said that b*****d was allowed to smile?

    CGG: On one condition.

    What, so now good-guys are allowed to blackmail people? Doesn’t that cross the line or something? Aren’t they supposed to defeat things using justice and righteousness and sugarcoated feel-goody nonsense?




    As of four hours, thirteen minutes and forty-two seconds ago, I am not allowed to enact any plans pertaining to taking over the world, stealing, killing, maiming, or otherwise injuring the general public.