• The Adventures of Gaylord and George (a novel)
    By Itarilde Elensar and Sixpence32

    One day Gaylord decided that he didn't like his toast toasted to a crisp. So He was kind of in a pms mood. So being a jerk he told George that he should begin dieting even though George had...

    ...just started Jenny Craig and was really sensitive about his weight. George started crying, asking why no one cared about his feelings, and Gaylord threw his hands up in the air (here we go again!) and told him that he was sorry, he was just concerned about bikini season, and his huge sunglass has run away from home to join the army. George gasped (no! not the sunglasses) and...


    he ran around with his hands flailing in the air crying. Gaylord ran over to comfort him with a man to man hug. When there was a knock on the door. The were living in a flat at the time and the stairs to the door go down. As Gaylord was walking towards the door to be funny George put his foot out....


    ...and Gaylord had to think fast in order to avoid it. He did a ninja move, running up the wall, and kicking the door open with a karate-like noise. George shook his head. That was just ridiculous. Gaylord opened the door, but no one was there! Stupid ding dong ditchers! Gaylord yelled, and began to punch the wall, when suddenly...


    Bimbo his pet monkey appeared at the door with a sign on his neck. Gaylord bent down to read it. When Bimbo put his finger up Gaylord's nose. Gaylord fast to react pulled it out before Bimbo could get into his brain. While Gaylord was being distracted George read Bimbo's sign. It read....


    ..."OMG ITS A TRAP!" Before George could react, the floor fell out from beneath both of them, leading to a secret haunted cellar. They clung to each other in fear and passion, searching desperately for a source of light. None was to be found, except for the radioactive ramen noodles on the floor, casting a greenish glow. There came a knock from a secret part of the secret cellar. Quickly, Gaylord...


    ...moved toward the sound. He took large steps so his foot lifted about 3 ft off the ground. As it would happen George was standing in front of him. So he was hit where it hurt. George keels over crying when the door moves...


    ... and hits George in the face. George cries even harder, with fear and pain. Gaylord, suppressing the urge to cuddle with George until he felt better, ran toward to sound with a white shiny belt as a weapon. He ran through the door, finding...


    ...another glass door. He runs into it leaving a greasy nose print on the door and recovers by crying a little, while rubbing his nose. George comes to him still holding his crouch and puts his free hand on Gaylord's back. While two crows on a tree comment on how well the Windex worked on humans. On the other side of the screen...


    ...was a stack of books.


    George comments that there is a latch on the sliding door. He opens it with his free hand. Gaylord begins through the door when he lets out a gas cloud from his butt. George places his hand over his nose, and struggles to breath. While Gaylord moves on not noticing his friends struggle to find air untainted. George follows him toward...


    The sound of a dying parakeet named Zac Efron. It was coming from the basement. They found the bird listening to Muse, pretending to die just to get their attention. "Muse! I love Muse!" Gaylord yelled, when the bird suddenly flew up into the air and...


    dropped the junk in his trunk on Gaylord. Gaylord picked Zac Efron's junk, put it in his mouth and tasted it. George shows up by his side, to see what Gaylord was doing. I grimace appears on Gaylord's face.
    " Tastes like make-up, sweat, and Disney," Gaylord sobs.

    Sympathetic George...


    Slaps him in da face!!! And starts to sing Mr. Roboto by Styx, when much to his surprise, Gaylord...


    sees a cute little bunny. Ignoring the fact that he was just slapped he nearly stumbles as he runs after the bunny. George finishes singing Mr. Roboto and runs after him. Then suddenly Gaylord runs into something....


    Fat and covered in skin. Yes. That's right. A sumo wrestler had gotten stuck in the doorway. Gaylord let out a sigh, great, they were now trapped in the basement. The sumo wrestler said something in Japanese as he was eating a taco stuffed with steak. George...


    began to weep, because the pet bunny was on the other side. He waved his hand goodbye to the bunny. The sumo wrestler...


    ... began to cry at the sight of such emotional pain, "high tragedia," as some call it, which created a rather salty taste within his taco. After a few lunges, he managed to free himself from the doorframe. Well, almost. The door frame went with him. It was ripped out of the wall. The bunny...


    went down a hole under a tree next to a blonde girl who had dozed off. With minuets to spare Gaylord grabs George by the hand and they both dive into the the hole head first. They both find themselves...


    ...in Edward Cullen's basement?!?! "Hey, this isn't Wonderland! What the hell...? Must have taken a wrong turn..." George said in exasperation.
    "Well if you would just ask for directions once in a while..." Gaylord said in a wife-like tone of disapproval.
    "Not this again!!!" George threw his hands in the air. "I have an internal map. OBVIOUSLY there was some kind of change in the roads."
    "Now really, you're always getting lost," Gaylord said, obviously pushing George to the breaking point.
    "YOU KNOW WHAT--!" George was rudely interrupted by...
    "HEY YOU TWO SHUT YOUR TRAPS AND GET OVER HERE!" a mysterious voice yelled.
    "Whoa. Edward Cullen?!" Gaylord gasped with fanboyish delight...
    "No you freak, I'm obviously not Edward Cullen." The voice was coming from a mushroom in a jar.
    "Why are you in Edward's basement, mushroom?" Gaylord asked, slight annoyed.
    "Well you see..." the mushroom replied patiently, "I was walking in the woods one day when...

    when I let out gas from my butt. This some how caught the attention of a "vampire" as they are called. I guess vampires find humans by following their farts. So anyway Edward followed my gas. You know thats how they track their food?"
    George and Gaylord both shake their heads. As the mushroom continues its story...



    Gaylord interrupts, obviously a huge Twilight fan. "But when he said that Bella smelled better than anyone else... he meant... her...?"
    "Yes," the small fungi said with a serious expression. "She must not eat many onions. Only shampoo, rosewater, and lust. That's all that comes out of her. At least, that's what Edward told me."
    George made a face. "Wow, this is 110% GAY!"
    Gaylord tried hard not to cry after that comment.
    "ANYWAY," the mushroom cried in a squeaky voice, "AS I WAS SAYING! Wait, I cannot continue this story until we go to a safer location. It is too risky. Let us travel to India!"
    "What?!?!?" Gaylord and George cried together. This day was getting weird.
    "You heard me. We can get there on my magical...


    polar bear. But first we have to strap his armor on him. He doesn't have fingers like you."
    " Really?" Gaylord comments.
    "Really." replies the Mushroom.
    " Screw that!" George yells at the mushroom. He sways his hips as he...

    walks around the room, wishing it was a runway. Suddenly, Edward Cullen drops from the ceiling, where he has been hiding through the entire conversation. "Damn it 'Shroom Buddy, you've said too much about us! Now we have to move... again... again..."
    "...To India?" 'Shroom Buddy asked with hope.
    "God no. Too sunny. Obviously The Bahamas are our only option. You two know too much. We might have to change you into vampys like us. Come along."
    "But my pet bunny is still---"
    "And my pet sumo wrestler is stuck in the---"
    "QUIET!" Edward yelled. We'll just put them in the vet until you MIGHT come back. Now come help me tie up this...

    apple.
    Gaylord, allergic to vampires goes to hide in the corner rocking back in forth in fear. George suddenly stops his runway swaying, still ignoring Edward. Gaylord looks up from his corner tears of fear spilling out his eyes. They look at Edward with the look of...

    ...disbelief. Obviously, vampires can't eat apples, they thought. So why would Edward need them to tie an apple up for their journey!? Quickly, George leaped for the apple, realizing that it was actually a...

    bouncy ball. Smiling, he and Gaylord began throwing it back and forth. Edward, who was one short dude. Got in between them and...

    died. (haha) George was like "

    Thank Buddha, I thought he would never leave."
    Gaylord begins to smile, he rushes over to give George a noogy.
    "I thought he would never leave. You know what George?"
    "What Gaylord?"
    "While I was in the corner I wished that-

    "I could see Ghosthunters one last time before death. You know the feeling?"
    George smiled sympathetically. "Its all right now, Gaylord. You'll see it again. For now though, we must..."

    -get out of this basement."
    "Yeah, yeah...Could we stop for...
    "The golden sausage? Its in that cave over there... "

    near the golden toliet!"
    "Gaylord, lead on!"
    George follows Gaylord to the top of the stairs. Gaylord forgetting George was following him, slams the door behind hitting George and causing him to...

    ...feel the sudden urge to watch Opera.

    George having a reasonable idea of how the house is set up, heads out the door past Gaylord. He finds his way to the living room only, to see...

    That Dr. Phil was still on. Bummer. The topic was men falling in love with their...

    cute pet grizzly bears.

    "Boring..." George says mad. He goes to sit down on the couch, because he is tired of all the B.S. from the day. As he sits down he suddenly feels something under his rump. He sits on it anyway though, I mean come on its probably a teddy bear. Gaylord joins him on the couch. Gaylord is engulfed by Dr. Phil and the topic he doesn't notice...

    flying cheese coming out from under his rump. "Ahhh what is that?!" Gaylord screamed, as he jumped for a corner. George began to feel movement under his rump to be annoying so he gets off of it. WHen he looks down he sees her...

    ... the girl of his dreams. "What... how did you... get there?!" He asked, embarrassed. "Well you see, I saw a hole in your wall, so I climbed through it, but I got disoriented and...
    I remebered suddenly that Dr. P was on so I totally had to watch it.." Trying to act cool in all he sits next to her. Sadly though he also had to go to the restroom really bad so he couldn't help but fart...The girl began to...

    fart as well, to try and make him feel better, which caused Gaylord to scream. The smell was too much for him. Suddenly the phone rang, and
    they both run for it. It was an excuse to get away from the girl who now wreaked like a skunk. Part of Gaylord's shirt had even decayed away. George answers the phone since Gaylord is too busy crying about how such a beautiful girl can smell so bad. Gaylord hears a voice on the other line.

    "Have you checked on the children?"

    "We don't have children foo!" George said, trying to act like a g.
    "Well you do now!" the voice replied. Suddenly crying noises could be heard in the distance.

    "Umm, no we don't."
    "Yes, you do"
    "No."
    "Yes"
    "Really?" George was beginning to get impatient with the person on the other line.

    "JUST CHECK ON THEM!" the voice was getting equally impatient. -click- The crying could still be heard from upstairs...

    it sounded like a puppy whimpering after being hugged. George looks over at Gaylord who is snacking on Twizzler's that he found in the drawer. He appeared to be put together except he was missing his shirt. So his hot body was bare to the world.George gets away from the distraction to tell Gaylord whats up.
    "We have to go upstairs." George says with pursuance.
    "Oh, do they have a bathroom upstairs?"
    "I think but there is....

    a mole living in it. Be careful." Gaylord shivered with fear. Moles are terrifying.

    "Dude, I really have to leak bad." Gaylord ventures.
    "Fine we will go upstairs, but first we have to check on the children. Then we can leave this stupid house."
    Gaylord nods that it sounds like a great idea. They skip up the stairs. The sound begins to get...

    Elton John-like as your song starts to play.

    "OMG, that sounds like Rocket Man!" George said with gusto.

    "Rocket man burning like a...

    Cheese grater in a volcano!

    They finally get over the sound that remains in their hearts. Walking up the stairs, gets really boring so George and Gaylord began to play tag. But it always seemed that the got each other within a split second of being tagged.

    "How many stairs are there?" Gaylord asks.

    "Psh... a lot. Its not called the never-ending staircase for nothing," George said disapprovingly.

    "No, way I never would have guessed," Gaylord says mortified at the thought of neverending stairs. He would never see his rubber ducky ever again. An WHAT ABOUT THE BATHROOM???? He was about to have yellow liquid burst out of his...

    Juicer!!! That he was using to make lemonade at the time, because he no longer needed to go to the bathroom! They saw the doorway at the end of the tunnel, when... light shined through. They ran towards it and through it and they found themselves floating.
    "Did I die, George?"
    "I am pretty not sure we did, Gaylord."
    "What the Heck? What does that mean?!"

    "It means our days on Earth have ended. You know, Gaylord, I always..."
    "Yes?"
    "I always loved..."
    "Yesss??????"
    "Well... I always loved.... cats. I never told you before."
    "Oh."

    FIN.?