• It all began on my vacation to Saudi Arabia, I chose that as my destination from a simple matter of interest in the fine art of wrapping towels around their heads. I was walking on the searing sand, barefoot. The desert heat singed my soles, however I pressed on- ignoring the scorpion that continuously tested out the potency of his stinger-venom on various parts of my body. Dying of thirst, and believing for a second that perhaps my tongue was drier than the very Muslim air around me, I found a rest stop.

    There was a tall and distinguished Arab man, with a valiant turban resting atop his head. He began speaking quickly in his native tongue. Not understanding the language, I began making numerous attempts to speak to him in Japanese, hoping he would understand. It turned out that what I had said in Japanese to him, asking for water, actually meant "May I purchase a horny camel." He reacted by saying something in Arabic, making a "brb" hand motion, and running out back. Relieved at the prospect of quenching my thirst, I went and sat down on his sofa, which I noticed appeared to be made out of the pages of various holy books from around the world. I then assumed he was an atheist or at least anti-religious.

    He returned with a camel. I began to engage him in conversation, after looking up in my Arab-English dictionary how to debate religious topics with him. We exchanged opinions, acknowledging the substance of each others points. When I began rambling about various philosophers attempts to disprove the existence of a supreme deity, he grew weary, however remained cordial and urged me to accept his camel. I was unsure about his camel offer, and reminded him about the water, this time in Arabic. He proceeded with confusion, and gave another "brb" hand-motion.

    His camel was flirting with me, and I tried to convince him that I wasn't into beastiality. When the Arab returned, he offered me a cup of water. Grateful, I accepted and thanked him, valuing the much needed liquid. The camel grew impatient, and tackled the Arab man to the floor in a display of distaste. Feeling a new sense of brotherhood between the Arab and myself, I went to defend him, however just as leaped heroically at the camel, it kicked me back. I flew several feet, landing on my upper back and bouncing up once, then crashing squarely to the rug on my central spine. In a display of agony, I moaned, the camel took this as a sign of B.D.S.M pleasure, and with lust in his camel eyes, rushed to me and began violently humping me, despite the fact that I was fully clothed in traditional Arab garments (to be accepted by the people). The Arab man regained his stature, and vengefully charged to the camel and knocked him over, then offering his hand to help me up. I took advantage of his hospitality once more, and slowly got up, in pain, considering the recent spine damage. The camel was still in shock, just as a boy would be if caught by his mother while intensely fapping, and the Arab man and I were able to escape safely.

    We both shook hands, having learned the true meaning of friendship, and parted ways. The Arab police were never notified, if they had been, both the Arab man and I would've been stoned for beastiality, albeit neither his fault nor mine. Although no penetration occurred that day, that camel genitals image burns through my mind, as a reminder to never let an animal on the Arabian Peninsula take advantage of me again- this is the reason that I carry tranquilizer darts with me.

    There was another similar incident with an elephant on my visit to Ghana, however that is another tale.