• Christopher Columbus: History’s Biggest **** Up

    Christopher Columbus was the devil. He sacrificed the lives of thousands to gain power, consumed gold like it was oxygen, and ate babies when his men disobeyed him. That was my thesis statement.

    When Christopher Columbus arrived at the Caribbean Islands in the 14th century (the actual date cannot be typed because then he would jump out of my computer and kill my baby niece), he slaughtered the innocent natives to “win souls for Spanish.” Which I guess Spain thought if they converted more people (more like shoved the Bible in front of them while at gunpoint) that God would love their country more. Little did they know, it was the work of Beelzebub (a.k.a….SATAN!!). Anyways, so Columbus had to kill all these people to gain power from their blood. Yes, their blood. He didn’t drink it like vampires do, because then he would be semi-coo, no, he snorted it through his nose like a Hollywood whore. Columbus also had to kill his gay lovers. Yes, Columbus was homosexual. He was interested in men because his ex-girlfriend Lilith (that chick who gave birth to all the demons and gave the middle finger to God but not in that order) was a dominating b***h and took away all his man pride. So now he had to go around dominating other men to feel better about himself. But he had to kill them, even though he loved Hernan Cortes (were they even in the same century?), because word would have reached the king and queen and then they would have tried to kill him because they were gay-bashing douche bags back then (so UNLIKE now). You can’t kill Satan of course, they would have just discovered his secret by trying to kill him. If that happened, he would have lost his awesome man-raping, blood-snorting deal he had going on in the New World. Come to think of it, he sounds a lot like Rush Limbaugh…whose also a lot like Hitler.

    Columbus consumed gold like that evil masked thing in Spirited Away that consumes EVERYTHING and gets heeeeecka fat. Being serious now, Columbus was so infatuated with spices and gold that he stored it everywhere in his ship and crew. Yes, INSIDE his crews’ anuses. That’s why so many of those idiots died. They had so many spices (like pepper spray) that exploded in their butts and went up their tubes and tore into their lungs, killing them in a very painful 4 minutes. So short story short, Columbus jacked gold like college frat boys jack porn.

    Most captains punished their crews with whippings and extra ship duty, but Columbus was a different kind of guy. He himself being into dominatrix like tactics, thought whipping would be more of a promise than a threat to his crew. So he ate babies in front of the crew at dinner. Then they would throw up their food and suffer from starvation for a few days until their behavior was decent. Also, when some of the crew got the native women pregnant, he would eat the babies to display authority (and insanity) among the native people. The native people would be like “dude let’s rebel,” and the other native would be like “nah dawg, that crazy mama jamma eats babies,” and then he would be all like “no way! We ain’t messin wit him.” So that’s also why rebellions of native people only occurred when Columbus was away, cuz the guys left in charge didn’t have the stomach for eating babies. They also weren’t Satan.

    àChristopher Columbus killed Chuck Norris in The Way of the Dragon, not Jet Lee.ß
    ***HITLER WORSHIPED CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS!***

    I just proved Christopher Columbus was a horrible humanoid without even mentioning he didn’t even DISCOVER America. He stumbled onto it like a drunk guy on a hot chick…who then apologizes for spilling beer on her shirt and tries to dry it off with his hand while he’s actually just grabbing her boobs then she slaps him and he punches her then she tazers his nuts.