• Alone Once Again


    Sometimes, we must concur the pain that we feel in order to escape it. Sometimes it easy, other times hard. And sometimes, there's only one way to escape.

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    Chapter One

    My duffel bag hit the floor, and I sighed a loud sigh of relief. I was at my dad's house in California for a month, he wanted to have there when he got remarried. He had invited Mom also, but she had to go on a business trip for that whole month. Or that was her excuse, I think Mom was just looking for an excuse not to go. She was pretty upset for awhile after they had gotten a divorce. Though she tried to look strong in front of me, I saw through her mask.

    My mom came through the door then, a smile on her face, "I'm so glad you're back. How was your trip?"

    "It was fine, Mom. You should have seen it, California is beautiful this time of year. It doesn't even snow where Dad lives," I responded, bending down and unzipping my bag.

    "Liz," Mom breathed, "Don't worry about your bags, I'll get them. Don't you think Jeremy is waiting for you?"

    I smiled, Mom knew me so well. She always knew what I wanted to do. "Thanks, Mom. Can I take the car?"

    She nodded silently.

    I quickly gave her a hug, a peck on the cheek, and then I ran out the door, down the stairs, stopping to grab the keys, and outside. Our car was sitting in its regular spot, but there was something different, I didn't bother with that, though, I had to get to Jeremy. I jumped in the car and started the engine. It revved to life and I drove to Jeremy's house with my favorite Paramore CD playing loudly.


    When I arrived at Jeremy's, the last song on the CD was just ending. That's why I loved this CD so much, it filled the silence every time I drove to Jeremy's house alone. I stopped the car a cross the street from his house cause I knew his mom would be getting home from work soon. There was a new car in the driveway, though. How strange.

    I started walking up their drive, but stopped when I saw Jeremy through the window. At first, I thought he was alone, then I saw Hazel Jones sitting on the couch with him. I felt a wave of anger, then I forced myself to calm down by taking deep breaths.

    They were just talking, it was innocent. Nothing that I should be worried about. Wait, what was he doing? He put his hand on her knee, and turned to her, looking into her dark brown eyes. I felt another wave of anger as he did that. What was he thinking? That jackass!

    Calm down, Elizabeth, I told myself. There's probably just something in her eye. Just something in her eye, I repeated silently. I smiled a little at myself, I always jump to conclusions.

    I took a deep breath to calm myself, then I took a step forward and looked back to the window. I felt a tear roll down my face when I saw them kissing. So I was right, that freaking cheater! What in the world was he thinking? He has a girlfriend! Me! I was his girlfriend! Not Hazel!

    I wiped the tears from my eyes and walked to the front door, I looked in their little side window to make sure my eyes weren't red. I waited a few minutes to calm myself down, to make sure that I was calm enough that I didn't burst in there and do something unthinkable to that girl. To him. To both of them.

    When I was sure I was calm enough, I rang the doorbell once. I heard him tell Hazel to go hide in the hall closet. Then there were loud footsteps coming toward the door. I put on an act so he wouldn't see through me immediately.

    There were only two ways this little meeting of ours would work: either he would come clean, or I would force him to.

    The door opened and I smiled a fake smile. He didn't seem to notice. He just smiled right back like there was nothing wrong, nothing that he was hiding. He stepped aside and motioned me to come in.

    "So," Jeremy said when we were in the living room, right next to where Hazel was hiding. "You're back. I missed you so much."

    "Yeah, I missed you too," I said to him honestly, "So, whose car is that out front?" I asked, anxious to hear his answer.

    He looked confused for a second, he looked outside to the driveway, then answered quickly, "Oh, that car. Well, um, that car is Hazel's. She was over here for a couple minutes, then she said she had to take care of something..." He paused, "Outside."

    I pretended not to notice him pause on the last word. I smiled sweetly, "So, she's not in the house anymore?"

    He shook his head, probably afraid to speak. Maybe his voice would crack if he did. I smiled like I believed him. For one tiny fragment of a second, there was a little bit of suspicion in his eyes, then it disappeared. I never noticed before, but there were always faint, dark circles under is eyes. It made him look sleep deprived and useless.

    "So," I started, "Who's in the house then?"

    His eyes went wide; he shook his head quickly, trying to clear it, no doubt. "I have no clue what you're talking about.""Right," I muttered. I got up and walked into the hallway, and I heard him ask me where I was going, but I didn't care what he had to say anymore. He was lying right to my face, and he didn't even care about it one bit. He probably didn't even care whether he was hurting me or not. I opened the closet door and Hazel tumbled out.

    "Oh, really? Nobody?" I asked of him, and turned to head for the door. "You're unbelievable Jeremy, I can't believe I ever trusted you." I headed for the door, my face burning with rage. I left his house and ran across the street to my car, tears streaming down my face. I put the car in gear, and drove to my house quickly, the volume on the CD louder than usual.

    When I got home, I sat in the drivers seat for a couple minutes, collecting my thoughts, trying to calm myself like I had when I saw them kissing. I worked a little this time, but the tears wouldn't stop coming down my face for five seconds so I could collect myself completely.

    After nine and a half minutes, I gave up and went inside. My mom wasn't expecting me to be home so early, so she was still sitting in my room, slowly folding some of my clothes.

    "Liz, I wasn't expecting you home so--" She stopped mid sentence when she saw my face. "Honey, what's wrong?"

    "Nothing, I don't want to talk about it," I said, walking to my bed and falling into her open arms.

    I sobbed all night, then my tears ran dry and I was glad. I wasn't completely over Jeremy yet, but I could put on a smile for my mom now, then fall into pieces when I took my routine Saturday walk in the woods.


    I left early, before my mom woke. I left a note on the kitchen table so she wouldn't worry about me for another couple hours. It had also snowed over night, so I put my jacket and snow boots on before I left.

    When I entered the woods, I couldn't even keep myself together for two seconds before I was crouched down next to a tree, crying my head off. Why was he doing this to me?

    "Why? Why? Why?" I asked aloud, hoping that nobody was close enough to hear my rhetorical question. I knew the answer; because I wasn't good enough. Because Hazel was prettier, because she was more willing to do what he wanted her to do.

    This was the second time I'd ever felt truly alone in the world. the first time was when my mother went away for a week during the early days of my parents' divorce, leaving me with my neighbors. I was alone once again. For the last time ever, I decided, I was sure I couldn't deal with something like this ever again.

    It was freezing out, so I didn't really have to commit suicide and my mother would be spared the guilt of not being able to do anything. But Jeremy would know that it was all his fault, he would know that it was because of him and Hazel that I was dead.

    I knew what I had to do, all I had to do was fall asleep in the snow, I would freeze to death. Hypothermia or whatever it's called. Sounded easy enough, considering that this spot was quite comfortable.

    It suddenly occurred to me that this would be one of my last conscious thoughts, that Jeremy was my first, and last, love. That it was very stupid and selfish of me to give up after only sixteen years of life, on the first boy to break my heart. But he hadn't just broken my heart, he had distracted me, ripped up my heart and stomped it on the ground, leaving me to bleed to death. I was just noticing the pain now because he had been distracting me before, keeping me form the pain in the beginning, so it would be worse later.

    I closed my eyes, not wanting to think about it anymore, and waited for sleep, and death, to find me.