• We were walking down the road laughing and having fun. No one bothered telling us there was a rapist on the loose. If I knew I wouldn’t have gone out that night and Xavier wouldn’t have either. I snuck out of the house to be with him. We were on the way to his place when we ran into trouble. Trouble in the form of a crazy rapist.

    We would have ran but there was nowhere to go. Xavier stood in front of me, trying to protect me from the lunatic with the knife. I knew I couldn’t call for help, but I could text. I texted three words. Help Fall drive. I knew Josephine would understand. I didn’t realize how close the lunatic had gotten until I seen the knife just inches away from Xavier. The lunatic said something that still chills me to the bones. “ Let me finish your friend, then I’ll deal with you. “

    It all happened so fast. One slash of the knife and Xavier crumbled at my feet. By this point I thought I was going to die . The lunatic held the knife to the throat and started leading me towards the woods. I knew that once we made it to the woods I was dead for sure.

    There was twenty feet left. Then I heard a sound I will always treasure , a police car. The lunatic took one look at the car and ran. Then I ran too, I ran to Xavier. I knew I was too late before I got there. I fell to my knees and clutched his body close and cried.

    They had to pry his body out of my hands, and I sat there crying on the ground long after. The police officer drove me home, when I got there I didn’t even get in trouble for sneaking out. All my mother cared about was that I was alive. She didn’t care about how Xavier gave his life to save mine.

    I went to my room and cried myself to sleep. When I woke in the morning I cried some more. I cried until I had no tears left to cry. All I felt was numbness. For those of you who have felt numbness you know that you would rather feel nothing at all.

    I stayed in bed a week. Only leaving to attend the funeral, which I didn’t hear a word of. All I could do was stare at the coffin. Stare at it knowing that it was my fault. Knowing if it wasn’t for me Xavier would still be alive. He would still be breathing, laughing and loving.

    People kept telling me that it wasn’t my fault, but I knew it was. We all knew it was. He should have just let the lunatic have me. I should have been the one to die that night. Not him, Xavier should have lived but he choose to save me. I will be living with the guilt for the rest of my life.

    My life, how I thought about ending it many times. How I didn’t because I knew that would make it so Xavier died in vain. Xavier, the only man I ever loved. I couldn’t do that. I wouldn’t be the one to tarnish his wonderful memory. I couldn’t be the one, I wouldn’t let myself.

    As weeks went by I just laid in bed staring around my room at nothing in particular. I would just lay there trying not to think of that night that kept playing in my head over and over again. The night that gave me nightmares that made me incapable of sleeping at night. The night that changed everything.

    My mother was worried about me, I knew this. I knew I should get out of bed and do something. I couldn’t though. Not without Xavier. I couldn’t even walk the streets of the town, I would end up somewhere that reminded me of him. Maybe even the spot where it all took place.

    A month after the stabbing they still hadn’t catch the guy. As far as I was concerned that lunatic deserved to go to hell. He deserved the death penalty, would he get it ? Probably not. He would probably only get twenty years or something stupid. That’s if they ever caught the guy. If they don’t then well, he will get away with murder.

    I needed some closer, any at all. I needed to leave the house. I got up out of bed and quickly dressed. I went to the kitchen and wrote a note for Mom. I put my shoes on and stepped outside. The sun hurt my eyes, it took a few minutes to adjust to the bright light.

    I found myself walking, through the streets. I wasn’t sure where I was going at first but then I knew. I was heading to Fall drive. I slowed my pace when I reached the top of the street, knowing that right over the hill was where my Xavier was taken from me. I stop walking. I realized that I wasn’t ready. That I may never be ready.

    Mom decided I needed a change of scenery. We moved half way across the country. It really didn’t make a difference, but it was nice to be away from the places were I liked to go with Xavier. It was nice to look at the wall and not see the dent that Xavier made back in March. It was nice to be away from the town where everyone knew.

    I needed that. I needed the secrecy, I needed to get away from my past. I needed to be away if I was going to learn to move on. I had to move on, for him. I had to keep on living. That is what he would have wanted. That is what he wanted or he wouldn’t have did what he did. He wouldn’t have given up his life. I have to live my life, for Xavier.