• ___Scene 1: Ninja Man___
    (Harley knocks on door.)

    Doc- Come in, come in.

    NM- Shhhhhhhh...We must quite ourselves. The walls have ears, as they say.

    Doc- Um suuuuure. Just have a seat.

    NM- I would prefer to stand.

    Doc- Right. Sooooo what`s your problem then?

    NM- I have a very annoying man with a British accent probing me with questions.

    Doc- What?

    NM- YOU, I’m talking about you.

    Doc- Well unless you want to mock my outrageous accent any more, can you tell me what the issue is, or
    did you just come here to mock me?

    NM- I am...Somewhat...Uncomfortable and self conscious about my Body mass index.

    Doc- Ninja-man-say-what?

    NM- I have.... weight problems.

    Doc- Well... I can see that.

    NM- Shut up.

    Doc- What’s a matter master sensei ninja man? Too much Egg and sushi rolls, hoi?

    NM- Hey don’t make-...Yeah...

    Doc- Well I can schedule you with an exercise coach-

    NM- No! This meeting between us must remain...Confidential...

    Doc- Why?

    NM- My ninja training partners will see this as weakness and strike me down to eliminate competition.

    Doc- I don’t think they need to see us to know you are vulnerable to attack.

    NM- What?

    Doc- Nothing. Now, do you have any other problems I can actually help with?

    NM- I have...self esteem issues...

    Doc- Do tell.

    NM- My mother never loved me.

    Doc- Why is that?

    NM- She just didn’t. I`m ugly okay?

    Doc- It cant be that bad.

    NM- Why do you think I wear this mask?

    Doc-...Because its cold out?

    NM- No. Because Im ugly! The other ninja academy students would laugh at me!

    Doc- Oh come now. Just let me see.

    NM- Fine. (Turns back to audience and removed ninja mask)

    Doc- OH GOD! HOLY- PUT IT BACK ON! PUT IT BACK ON! (Covers eyes and waves hands as if to swat
    away Harley)

    NM- I told you.

    Doc- (Shudders and sits back down.) Okay, so maybe you’re a smidgen on the grotesque side, but you
    can’t let that get in the way. You`re a ninja, people should cower in fear of you!

    NM- They don’t.

    Doc- Why not?

    NM- Oh face it Doc! I’m a failure!

    Doc- Don’t say that! All you-

    ( Froob stumbles in and starts asking where his “McCain” is, but is thrown out by Doc....I guess we just ad lib this.)

    Doc- Er....Right where was I? Oh yes, all you really need is a healthy diet and an exercise coach! Then the other students will wish they never made fun of you!

    NM- You really think so?

    Doc- Im positive. Now do you want to sign up for a membership to a local gym now?

    NM- Yes.

    Doc- (Takes piece of paper from desk) Okay, just sign here.

    NM- I can already feel my self esteem sky rocket!

    NM2- ( Barges in) Ah-HA! Im telling sensei! Then we shall eliminate you fat one!

    *The esteemed role of Ninja man two was...Actually, I don't remember what happened to him. Donald was supposed to play him in the final performance, but he broke his arm. I don't think Luke did it...Was probably cut.*

    NM-NO!

    (NM chases NM2 out of the room. NM comes back shortly, after.)

    NM- By the way...Nice shoes...

    Doc- Thanks. I got them at a garage sale...

    NM- Riiight. (Leaves)
    ___Scene 2: Facebook Freak___

    (FF Knocks)

    Doc- Do come in!

    FF- ADD ME! I WANNA SEE YOUR PROFILE!

    Doc- (Opens door) what are you talking about? Sit down so we can get started.

    FF- ( Twitching constantly as he makes his way across the room to the couch.)

    Doc- (Sits down in chair) Now, what’s up?

    FF- I have a problem...

    Doc- Go on.

    FF- My mother thinks I’m a computer freak.

    Doc- Well-

    FF- Can you believe her!? Just because I spend 18 hours at my computer a day she thinks Im a lunatic!
    The nerve of her! I was thinking you could talk some sense into her.

    Doc- Wait- how long do you spend on a computer?

    FF- 18 hours.

    Doc- A day?

    FF- Yes.

    Doc- And you think...That`s normal?

    FF- Well look at me- I’m perfectly normal.

    Doc- Well still you can’t-

    FF- (Face contorts) VIRUS! I GOT A VIRUS! TROJAN HORSE!! WHERE`S MY FIREWALL!? (Keeps
    shouting adlibs)

    Doc- Stop, stop, you`re okay, it’s okay, you don’t have a virus, you`re fine.

    FF- POP UP BLOCKER! ( Pushes Doc onto couch.)

    Doc- Hey watch-

    FF- STOP TRYING TO HACK ME!! (Runs to desk and begins pushing things onto floor.)

    Doc- Stop! Stop! That’s my family photo!

    FF- (Throws picture frame offstage)

    Doc- No! (Runs offstage to retrieve it)

    FF- (While doc is gone) Virus removed, software intact...Restarting....(Falls onto couch.)

    Doc- (Runs back in) Where`d the little brat go? I’m going to sue this kid! (Sets frame on desk)

    Doc- (Walks over to couch) He`s asleep? What the? Why...

    FF- (Wakes up) SYSTEMS BACK ONLINE, ESTABLISHING CONNECTION.

    Doc- (Falls backwards) AH!

    FF- (Jumps off couch) Thanks doc! You really helped me out! I`ve been trying to get rid of that bug forever! You`re a hero to me!

    Doc- (As getting up, is hugged by FF) Right, you`re welcome. Just...Go home...

    FF- Don’t worry Doc! I`ll be back tomorrow! I need Someone to help me level my cleric to level 44!

    Doc- What?

    FF- It’s a good thing I found you I need a warrior in my party!

    Doc- What are you....

    FF- Off I must go! I will meet you at the Cave Of No Return! Be sure to bring some strength potions!

    Doc- Ok...

    FF- (As leaving, stops and turns around) Nice shoes...

    Doc- Thank you?

    FF- Give em.

    Doc- What?

    FF- I want your shoes. You got a problem? I’m party leader, so I get them.

    Doc- No. Get out.

    FF- THIS IS MUTINY! YOU`RE OUT OF MY PARTY FOREVER! (Pushes Doc to ground and yanks his shoe
    off.)

    FF- HAH! (Slams door)

    ___Scene 3: Shoe Guy___

    ( Knocking )

    Doc- (While getting up) Yes. Come in.

    SG- (Walks in and sits on couch)

    Doc- (Sitting down in chair) So what’s wrong with you?

    SG- I have a problem…

    Doc- If you didn’t we would be speaking…So please specify…

    SG- Im addicted to…

    Doc- Yes….

    SG- To…

    Doc- Yes….

    SG- To…

    Doc- Yes….

    SG- To…

    Doc- FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. SPIT IT OUT MAN!

    SG-(Jumps up and shouts in Doc`s face) IM ADDICTED TO LUCKY CHARMS!

    (Awkward pause)

    Doc-….What?

    SG- I can’t help it. The flavors- the marshmallows, they’re so…So…

    Doc- Magically delicious?

    SG- (Grabbing Doc`s shoulders and sobbing)…Yes!

    Doc- Control yourself…Sit down…

    SG- (Sits down and sniffles.)

    Doc- Now. Have you tried any hobbies to keep it off your mind?

    SG- (Perking up) Why yes! I do!

    Doc- Good! Now what do you do?

    SG- (Proudly) I collect empty boxes of lucky charms!

    Doc-….What?

    SG- Yep. I reached 4,000 this morning.

    Doc- That can’t be healthy.

    SG- What?

    Doc- Nothing. But that really isn’t a hobby I had in mind. Do you have any others?

    SG- Well…

    Doc- Ye- No. Wait. Just tell me.

    SG- I…Collect shoes…

    ( 2nd awkward pause. )

    Doc- Well, I suppose that’s slightly better. So your mother buys you shoes?

    SG- Well yeah. Right before she…(quietly) hung herself…

    Doc- What was that last part?

    SG- Oh nothing.

    Doc- So how do you start your day?

    SG- Well, I start every morning with a whole box of lucky charms!

    Doc- That-…What?

    SG- Yes.

    Doc- A whole box?

    SG- Yes-sir-e

    Doc- I recommend you try eating a different healthier foo-

    SG- And then I count my shoes!

    Doc- You count all of your shoes?

    SG- All of them.

    Doc- How many shoes do you have exactly?

    SG- 4,575,892 pairs.

    Doc- You count them all?

    SG- You’re repeating yourself Doc…Maybe you should have your ears checked.

    Doc- Who’s the doctor here?

    SG- Well technically you’re a psychiatrist…

    Doc- Just shut up.

    SG- Well, after I count my shoes, I head to the Lucky Charms factory and hang out there.

    Doc- (Pause) They let you stay and hang out there?

    SG- Yea…At least…Until they find me.

    Doc- Well you should probably stop do-

    SG- And then I spend the rest of my day at Payless.

    Doc- What? Why?

    SG- I like to smell shoes.

    Doc- Well the first thing I can recommend for you is-

    SG- Nice shoe you have there doc.

    Doc- Huh?

    SG- Your shoe. I like it.

    Doc- Thank you?

    SG- Give it to me.

    Doc- What?

    SG- Give me the shoe.

    Doc- I think it’s time you left.

    SG- (Takes out a knife) Give me the shoe!

    Doc- That’s a plastic butter knife.

    SG- ...Well...I...Er....YOINK!

    ( SG pushed Doc down and takes his shoe.)

    SG- So long sucker! (Runs out and slams door.)

    Doc- I wish people would stop slamming that door.

    ___Scene 4: Emo Guy___

    ( Doc gets pair of shoes from under his desk.)
    (A knock on the door interrupts as Doc is sitting down.)

    Doc- Wha-Who- Oh right. Come in.

    Don- (Straight Faced and blank, sits down on the couch and sits rigidly)

    Doc- Alright what’s the deal with you? I`ve had a long day so make it quick.

    Don- I need immediate help...I`ve had quite the life.

    Doc- Sure you have. Just talk to me.

    Don- Every kid at my school speaks of my problems.

    Doc- Okay....

    Don- They think I’m suicidal, schizophrenic, insane, emo and freaky.

    Doc- Are these things true?

    Don- (Ignoring him) I`m apparently tall, skinny, wear skinny jeans a slipknot shirt, and don’t talk a lot.

    Doc- (Looks over Don)...Well you certainly fit the description....

    Don- (Continues ignoring him) I make children cry, old men cringe, I make women look and feel ten years
    older, and I make body builders uncomfortable about their body.

    Doc- What? Slow down I can’t write that-

    Don- I WANNA CHANGE DOC! I WANNA CHANGE!

    Doc- Easy son, just-

    Don- I dream of nightmares, death, destruction, starving children, I walk on broken shards of glass on a
    hot steaming pavement of fire and knives!

    Don-I stole my principle`s car and ran over every single person at a KFC protest...

    Doc- Can’t say I blame you...

    Don- I set my cat on fire, and have tried to summon the devil, I`ve attempted suicide forty four times in
    the last 3 days, I`ve over dosed on Oxycontin pills, and have punched a baby.

    Doc- (Mouth drops open and clipboard falls)

    Don- I slip alcohol into people`s drinks at Jamba Juice, My mother hates me, my father committed suicide with a pogo stick at the age of 17. My mom is only 16, I eat KFC popcorn chicken in front of PETA`s headquarters, I love death metal music and the sound of tortured souls as they rise from the fires of hell and eternal damnation below us. I CUT MYSELF TO FEEL ALIVE.

    Doc-...

    Don- Can I light a cig?

    Doc- I-I-I....I`d ra-ra-rather you...didnt...

    Don- Figures. Anyway, I steal candy from babies, play football with crippled puppies, hit crippled people
    with metal baseball bats, and beat a man in a dinosaur costume to death with a unicycle.

    Doc- Oh my...

    Don- You know what doc? I feel better all ready, just by sharing my problems with you, I feel better. I
    think...I think im going to do my homework, then I’m going to schedule a job interview. Its time I got my
    life on track.

    Doc-...

    Don- Thanks doc. You don’t know how much this means to me. (Gets up to leave.)

    Don- By the way...Nice shoes. (Leaves and slams door)

    Doc- (Begins sobbing and curls up on the floor in the fetal position.)