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___Scene 1: Ninja Man___
(Harley knocks on door.)
Doc- Come in, come in.
NM- Shhhhhhhh...We must quite ourselves. The walls have ears, as they say.
Doc- Um suuuuure. Just have a seat.
NM- I would prefer to stand.
Doc- Right. Sooooo what`s your problem then?
NM- I have a very annoying man with a British accent probing me with questions.
Doc- What?
NM- YOU, I’m talking about you.
Doc- Well unless you want to mock my outrageous accent any more, can you tell me what the issue is, or
did you just come here to mock me?
NM- I am...Somewhat...Uncomfortable and self conscious about my Body mass index.
Doc- Ninja-man-say-what?
NM- I have.... weight problems.
Doc- Well... I can see that.
NM- Shut up.
Doc- What’s a matter master sensei ninja man? Too much Egg and sushi rolls, hoi?
NM- Hey don’t make-...Yeah...
Doc- Well I can schedule you with an exercise coach-
NM- No! This meeting between us must remain...Confidential...
Doc- Why?
NM- My ninja training partners will see this as weakness and strike me down to eliminate competition.
Doc- I don’t think they need to see us to know you are vulnerable to attack.
NM- What?
Doc- Nothing. Now, do you have any other problems I can actually help with?
NM- I have...self esteem issues...
Doc- Do tell.
NM- My mother never loved me.
Doc- Why is that?
NM- She just didn’t. I`m ugly okay?
Doc- It cant be that bad.
NM- Why do you think I wear this mask?
Doc-...Because its cold out?
NM- No. Because Im ugly! The other ninja academy students would laugh at me!
Doc- Oh come now. Just let me see.
NM- Fine. (Turns back to audience and removed ninja mask)
Doc- OH GOD! HOLY- PUT IT BACK ON! PUT IT BACK ON! (Covers eyes and waves hands as if to swat
away Harley)
NM- I told you.
Doc- (Shudders and sits back down.) Okay, so maybe you’re a smidgen on the grotesque side, but you
can’t let that get in the way. You`re a ninja, people should cower in fear of you!
NM- They don’t.
Doc- Why not?
NM- Oh face it Doc! I’m a failure!
Doc- Don’t say that! All you-
( Froob stumbles in and starts asking where his “McCain” is, but is thrown out by Doc....I guess we just ad lib this.)
Doc- Er....Right where was I? Oh yes, all you really need is a healthy diet and an exercise coach! Then the other students will wish they never made fun of you!
NM- You really think so?
Doc- Im positive. Now do you want to sign up for a membership to a local gym now?
NM- Yes.
Doc- (Takes piece of paper from desk) Okay, just sign here.
NM- I can already feel my self esteem sky rocket!
NM2- ( Barges in) Ah-HA! Im telling sensei! Then we shall eliminate you fat one!
*The esteemed role of Ninja man two was...Actually, I don't remember what happened to him. Donald was supposed to play him in the final performance, but he broke his arm. I don't think Luke did it...Was probably cut.*
NM-NO!
(NM chases NM2 out of the room. NM comes back shortly, after.)
NM- By the way...Nice shoes...
Doc- Thanks. I got them at a garage sale...
NM- Riiight. (Leaves)
___Scene 2: Facebook Freak___
(FF Knocks)
Doc- Do come in!
FF- ADD ME! I WANNA SEE YOUR PROFILE!
Doc- (Opens door) what are you talking about? Sit down so we can get started.
FF- ( Twitching constantly as he makes his way across the room to the couch.)
Doc- (Sits down in chair) Now, what’s up?
FF- I have a problem...
Doc- Go on.
FF- My mother thinks I’m a computer freak.
Doc- Well-
FF- Can you believe her!? Just because I spend 18 hours at my computer a day she thinks Im a lunatic!
The nerve of her! I was thinking you could talk some sense into her.
Doc- Wait- how long do you spend on a computer?
FF- 18 hours.
Doc- A day?
FF- Yes.
Doc- And you think...That`s normal?
FF- Well look at me- I’m perfectly normal.
Doc- Well still you can’t-
FF- (Face contorts) VIRUS! I GOT A VIRUS! TROJAN HORSE!! WHERE`S MY FIREWALL!? (Keeps
shouting adlibs)
Doc- Stop, stop, you`re okay, it’s okay, you don’t have a virus, you`re fine.
FF- POP UP BLOCKER! ( Pushes Doc onto couch.)
Doc- Hey watch-
FF- STOP TRYING TO HACK ME!! (Runs to desk and begins pushing things onto floor.)
Doc- Stop! Stop! That’s my family photo!
FF- (Throws picture frame offstage)
Doc- No! (Runs offstage to retrieve it)
FF- (While doc is gone) Virus removed, software intact...Restarting....(Falls onto couch.)
Doc- (Runs back in) Where`d the little brat go? I’m going to sue this kid! (Sets frame on desk)
Doc- (Walks over to couch) He`s asleep? What the? Why...
FF- (Wakes up) SYSTEMS BACK ONLINE, ESTABLISHING CONNECTION.
Doc- (Falls backwards) AH!
FF- (Jumps off couch) Thanks doc! You really helped me out! I`ve been trying to get rid of that bug forever! You`re a hero to me!
Doc- (As getting up, is hugged by FF) Right, you`re welcome. Just...Go home...
FF- Don’t worry Doc! I`ll be back tomorrow! I need Someone to help me level my cleric to level 44!
Doc- What?
FF- It’s a good thing I found you I need a warrior in my party!
Doc- What are you....
FF- Off I must go! I will meet you at the Cave Of No Return! Be sure to bring some strength potions!
Doc- Ok...
FF- (As leaving, stops and turns around) Nice shoes...
Doc- Thank you?
FF- Give em.
Doc- What?
FF- I want your shoes. You got a problem? I’m party leader, so I get them.
Doc- No. Get out.
FF- THIS IS MUTINY! YOU`RE OUT OF MY PARTY FOREVER! (Pushes Doc to ground and yanks his shoe
off.)
FF- HAH! (Slams door)
___Scene 3: Shoe Guy___
( Knocking )
Doc- (While getting up) Yes. Come in.
SG- (Walks in and sits on couch)
Doc- (Sitting down in chair) So what’s wrong with you?
SG- I have a problem…
Doc- If you didn’t we would be speaking…So please specify…
SG- Im addicted to…
Doc- Yes….
SG- To…
Doc- Yes….
SG- To…
Doc- Yes….
SG- To…
Doc- FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. SPIT IT OUT MAN!
SG-(Jumps up and shouts in Doc`s face) IM ADDICTED TO LUCKY CHARMS!
(Awkward pause)
Doc-….What?
SG- I can’t help it. The flavors- the marshmallows, they’re so…So…
Doc- Magically delicious?
SG- (Grabbing Doc`s shoulders and sobbing)…Yes!
Doc- Control yourself…Sit down…
SG- (Sits down and sniffles.)
Doc- Now. Have you tried any hobbies to keep it off your mind?
SG- (Perking up) Why yes! I do!
Doc- Good! Now what do you do?
SG- (Proudly) I collect empty boxes of lucky charms!
Doc-….What?
SG- Yep. I reached 4,000 this morning.
Doc- That can’t be healthy.
SG- What?
Doc- Nothing. But that really isn’t a hobby I had in mind. Do you have any others?
SG- Well…
Doc- Ye- No. Wait. Just tell me.
SG- I…Collect shoes…
( 2nd awkward pause. )
Doc- Well, I suppose that’s slightly better. So your mother buys you shoes?
SG- Well yeah. Right before she…(quietly) hung herself…
Doc- What was that last part?
SG- Oh nothing.
Doc- So how do you start your day?
SG- Well, I start every morning with a whole box of lucky charms!
Doc- That-…What?
SG- Yes.
Doc- A whole box?
SG- Yes-sir-e
Doc- I recommend you try eating a different healthier foo-
SG- And then I count my shoes!
Doc- You count all of your shoes?
SG- All of them.
Doc- How many shoes do you have exactly?
SG- 4,575,892 pairs.
Doc- You count them all?
SG- You’re repeating yourself Doc…Maybe you should have your ears checked.
Doc- Who’s the doctor here?
SG- Well technically you’re a psychiatrist…
Doc- Just shut up.
SG- Well, after I count my shoes, I head to the Lucky Charms factory and hang out there.
Doc- (Pause) They let you stay and hang out there?
SG- Yea…At least…Until they find me.
Doc- Well you should probably stop do-
SG- And then I spend the rest of my day at Payless.
Doc- What? Why?
SG- I like to smell shoes.
Doc- Well the first thing I can recommend for you is-
SG- Nice shoe you have there doc.
Doc- Huh?
SG- Your shoe. I like it.
Doc- Thank you?
SG- Give it to me.
Doc- What?
SG- Give me the shoe.
Doc- I think it’s time you left.
SG- (Takes out a knife) Give me the shoe!
Doc- That’s a plastic butter knife.
SG- ...Well...I...Er....YOINK!
( SG pushed Doc down and takes his shoe.)
SG- So long sucker! (Runs out and slams door.)
Doc- I wish people would stop slamming that door.
___Scene 4: Emo Guy___
( Doc gets pair of shoes from under his desk.)
(A knock on the door interrupts as Doc is sitting down.)
Doc- Wha-Who- Oh right. Come in.
Don- (Straight Faced and blank, sits down on the couch and sits rigidly)
Doc- Alright what’s the deal with you? I`ve had a long day so make it quick.
Don- I need immediate help...I`ve had quite the life.
Doc- Sure you have. Just talk to me.
Don- Every kid at my school speaks of my problems.
Doc- Okay....
Don- They think I’m suicidal, schizophrenic, insane, emo and freaky.
Doc- Are these things true?
Don- (Ignoring him) I`m apparently tall, skinny, wear skinny jeans a slipknot shirt, and don’t talk a lot.
Doc- (Looks over Don)...Well you certainly fit the description....
Don- (Continues ignoring him) I make children cry, old men cringe, I make women look and feel ten years
older, and I make body builders uncomfortable about their body.
Doc- What? Slow down I can’t write that-
Don- I WANNA CHANGE DOC! I WANNA CHANGE!
Doc- Easy son, just-
Don- I dream of nightmares, death, destruction, starving children, I walk on broken shards of glass on a
hot steaming pavement of fire and knives!
Don-I stole my principle`s car and ran over every single person at a KFC protest...
Doc- Can’t say I blame you...
Don- I set my cat on fire, and have tried to summon the devil, I`ve attempted suicide forty four times in
the last 3 days, I`ve over dosed on Oxycontin pills, and have punched a baby.
Doc- (Mouth drops open and clipboard falls)
Don- I slip alcohol into people`s drinks at Jamba Juice, My mother hates me, my father committed suicide with a pogo stick at the age of 17. My mom is only 16, I eat KFC popcorn chicken in front of PETA`s headquarters, I love death metal music and the sound of tortured souls as they rise from the fires of hell and eternal damnation below us. I CUT MYSELF TO FEEL ALIVE.
Doc-...
Don- Can I light a cig?
Doc- I-I-I....I`d ra-ra-rather you...didnt...
Don- Figures. Anyway, I steal candy from babies, play football with crippled puppies, hit crippled people
with metal baseball bats, and beat a man in a dinosaur costume to death with a unicycle.
Doc- Oh my...
Don- You know what doc? I feel better all ready, just by sharing my problems with you, I feel better. I
think...I think im going to do my homework, then I’m going to schedule a job interview. Its time I got my
life on track.
Doc-...
Don- Thanks doc. You don’t know how much this means to me. (Gets up to leave.)
Don- By the way...Nice shoes. (Leaves and slams door)
Doc- (Begins sobbing and curls up on the floor in the fetal position.)
- by Actual Dead Author |
- Fiction
- | Submitted on 07/22/2010 |
- Skip
![](https://graphics.gaiaonline.com/images/arena-images/ic_paper_corner_32x32.gif)
- Title: Psycho: A Long Skit.
- Artist: Actual Dead Author
- Description: The following is the script of a play written and performed by Ryan (Me), Donald, Harley, Justin, and Jasen in our eight grade drama class. I was the Doctor, Harley was the ninja guy, Justin was the shoe guy, Jasen was the Facebook freak, and Donald was supposed to be the emo guy but he broke his own arm so he wouldn't have to perform. Luke took his place.
- Date: 07/22/2010
- Tags: psycho long skit funny hilarious
- Report Post
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