• I hate how easily you forget me. I hate how you're still a part of my life. I hate how every once in a while, i still shed a tear for you. I hate how you don't even care. You sit in your laz-e boy chair and think everything's alright. Well, I'll tell you something, it's not. You were my beautiful, unbelievable, miracle. you were my last glimmer of hope for my ruined, pathetic life. You were my brother, and i was your sister. You said you loved me, at least that's what you said. i remember the day perfectly though, the day you must have changed your mind. It was warm, bright, and a Friday. It was August 27. I was texting you, like i always do. I was at taco bell, about to go ice skating. i said hey, and you did too. Everything seemed fine. Suddenly you said, "Hey uh.. i can't talk to you anymore." i stared in shock at your text. i asked why, and you explained in your smart, grown up voice, "My girl friend. she thinks i love you more than her. shes making me stop talking to you, or she's going to break up with me." this was unbelievable. i sighed, and i tried hard not to cry. "But you don't." it took you forever to reply, but when you did my phone vibrated softly. i was squeezing it so hard it left a mark in my hand. "I told her that. she doesnt believe me though... so, i have to go." i could imagine you telling me that, your voice would've been shaky and soft, but firm and controlling. "wait," i pleaded, crying now, "don't go. can i talk to her?" the world became a blur, tilting to the right, then upside down, finally becoming normal again. my phone vibrates. you say, "this is amanda," i read, "and i don't give a ******** about you. get off my man's balls and leave us the s**t alone. just piss off, okay? you little whore." i was bewildered. i never imagined my sweet, fluffy best friend with... "amanda." i replied, "cussing in every sentence doesn't make you smart, ms.amanda. and i would like to inform you that tyler doesn't love me more than you, and he's always going to love you more than me." i tried to use big words to make me sound smart, but only succeeded in failing. i waited impatiently for a reply. "i dont give a s**t about how smart i sound!" well, wasn't that obvious? i kept reading, "and you can get your a** away from my baby. never talk to him again! oh, and this is the last text from me to you, stop trying to talk to me through him." what she said left me a sour taste in my mouth. i was bawling now, trying hard to stop shaking and reply, "tyler..your girl friend seems nice." i started, trying to break the tension. "I guess this is has all gone to waste then? this is good bye?" i shifted uncomfortably. i was glad i wasn't talking to you in person, because then i would be yelling and crying and pathetic looking. and i hated people watching me cry. you took longer than usual, i believe you were trying to stall. i believe you wanted to be my friend for as long as you could. "yeah, she actually is." i find that hard to believe. "no, nothing has gone to waste." you said nothing about the goodbye. "then where has it gone?!" i was screaming at you through the phone. i wondered if you were crying, like me, or if you were completely fine, and laughing at me. "it's gone to your heart." i couldn't reply to this. i dropped my phone, and i didn't move. this really was the last time i would talk to him, i realized. there was no more days i could confide in him and laugh and be friends. this truly as the last day of what was supposed to be our never ending friendship. i bent down and picked up my phone, when something fell out of my pocket. it was a note, and in it was a penny with a cross carved into it. this was supposed to be for you, the note was the things i wanted you to read some day, and the penny was a sign of our friendship. your name was even carefully scrawled on it, it took forever to make your name just right, to make it perfect. "then i will always have you." i told you that dreary day. i walked down the path. it ran along the large, fat river. the cement under my feet was new, it was glittery but a little dirty. there was muddy foot-prints on it. the air smelled of flowers and the river. i felt my phone tell me you had texted me back, but i ignored it. i walked off the pah and into the wet, green grass. i ran down the hill and to the rivers edge. there was a log that i loved to sit on. i ran to it and took my shoes off and flung them to the rocks nearby, where i could reach them but people wouldn't dare take them. i swung my feet into the cold water and sat on the mushy log. the sun sparkled into the water, which made it look like a thousand diamonds. the sunset was a beautiful fire, growing and daring to burn the whole sky, but soon dyed off, only to set off again. people walked by, laughing and cheerful. the aroma of chicken and deliciously cooked biscuits filled the air. i ran my fingers over my pocket, where my phone was being safely kept. i took my phone out, almost dropping it into the river. forget about taco bell and ice skating i said to nobody but myself. "no. this is my last text, good bye, melissa." there was a pause in my world. everything seemed to fall apart right then. the sunset died, and the water became fierce and roared and crashed against the rocks. the sky darkened and threatened to pour rain. it screamed at me, then flashed its light as a warning. the children behind me clawed at each others faces and became furious, ugly monsters. i blinked. the text was real, but everything else was my imagination. i read a bit farther down. "but i'll always love you." i gripped my phone, "LIES!" i screamed in my head, "HOW CAN YOU LEAVE ME AND THEN SAY YOU WILL ALWAYS LOVE ME?! WHAT ABOUT OUR PROMISE? YOU SAID YOU'D ALWAYS BE THERE FOR ME! AND YOU WONDER WHY I CAN'T TRUST ANYBODY! IT'S BECAUSE THEY'RE LIKE YOU!!!" i calmed myself down, "it's because they're like you. they always leave..." i reread your text again and again. "okay." i tried to make it seem like i didn't care, which was a horrible lie, "just don't let her take over your life. don't let her choose your friends and make decisions for you." and i waited for your reply. but you never texted back. what you said hurt like a knife, and it broke me.

    it's been a few hours already. they've been deadly. they've stung. i can't handle this whole thing. this whole never-talking-to-you-again thing. i bite my lip until it bleeds, the taste soothes me. i pick my phone up and decide to try one last time. "what about our promise?" i asked, hoping to begin a conversation and mend our friendship. "what about it?" you say as if you could care less, which you probably could. i decide to not text you back because i can see the hate in your voice, that is if we were talking in real-life. i have a way of doing that. imagining your voice, i mean... i want to talk to you again. i want to tell you that you're my everything, you're my beautiful, unbelievable, miracle. you're my world. i know you care. or cared. and she, that amanda chick, took it all away from me. you knew her for what, four days, and you knew me for three months. and you decided she was more important than me? i walk to my kitchen, where everything is. i look at our table. it has so much on it. there's newspapers, mail, pens, magazines, and knives... i pick up one of the knives. i wash it off and begin to put it up. i drop it on the ground, and it just barely misses my foot. i pick it up again. i place the cold metal on my wrist. i slid it down my arm and uninvited, a quote pops into my mind. go down the road kids, not across the street. i watch, as the thin metal slides down my arm, and under it comes a thin, beautiful straight line. the crimson red bubbles get bigger, eventually exploding. it runs down my arm. i finally feel okay again. i finally feel high, i finally feel alive. out of nowhere, i feel like some body's watching my every move. it's like you're examining from afar, and second-guessing them. i feel like you're the fly on my ceiling by the mini sun that flickers on and off, and i randomly think i need to buy new light bulbs. the fly swims across the air and pesters me. it's as if it's trying to tell me stop the bull and get over it. well, that's easy for you to say mr.fly. i smack at the fly, but the blood rushes to my wrist and i grip it in pain. the blood won't stop coming and i whisper to myself about you. i wonder if the door will fly open at any moment and you'll be there standing with a paramedic, ready to save me from myself. but nothing happens, and the door stays shut. and my world twists and turns, and i feel like a psycho. even, though, perhaps i am one. and i pick the knife up one last time, and i place it on my other wrist. i watch as red droplets of blood bloom under the knife. i watch, as the lines create a sick piece of art. there's a T, and there's lines crossing over it. You're a distant memory, is what i'm rying to get across to myself. i don't care about you, and i don't miss you. but then i realize the stupid, worthless lies. and i tell myself the truth. the merciless truth.
    i hate how you don't care. i hate how i still shed tears for you. i hate how you're still a part of my life.


    and i hate how easily you forget me.