The nights grew colder while my body grew warmer. It made it hard to sleep at night. Then I thought about David’s warm body pressed against mine one cold winter night. How he’d tried to keep me from freezing. “I don’t want an Ice sickle for a girlfriend.” He’d said laughing at his own joke. It’d seemed so long ago that he held me protectively in his arms; that I was his and he was mine; that I belonged to somebody.
My heart burned with agony. It seems so silly now, the reason we had broken up. It didn’t matter that he raped my best friend and almost took her lyfe. It didn’t matter what his lame excuse had been. I’d accept it now, more than anything because I wanted him back, all of him. My soul crumbled with each memory. His hot lips pressed against my cold ones. The fog we made when our bodies touched. Two different elements, two different worlds, and yet we belonged together, colliding for the sake of love.
I leaped off of the bed bound with blankets and made my way upstairs where my family members slept. I crept to the door way of each room making sure that every one was breathing and sleeping peacefully. I took a deep breath. I hardly ever slept any more. It was my own fault; worrying about things that were not my concern. Every preacher worth his salt now a days is saying “Leave it all in the hands of the Lord! God will take care of it all!” It didn't seem to be working.
The transition from grammar school to high school was rocky but it would have been almost unbearable with out Candy. Candy. Such a sweet name! I’d imagined the rich creamy goodness of a chocolate mocha hard candy rolling around on my tongue. Her voice was a natural kind of music, lyke a lullaby it soothed me. I’d inhaled her sent; the smell of a freshly picked flower, moist with dew. And her skin… impeccable! She had the completion of smooth white cream.
As much as I hate myself for thinking it, I wanted to devour her! I walked her to every class, lingering at the door. And when she didn’t want to go to lunch I would find a cozy classroom for us to relax. I was completely in awe of her. All I saw was her; I dreamed of her, I wanted her. Weeks passed and I began to walk her home (I’d done it all along but it was weeks before I’d done it openly) and then one day she kissed me. Shy and meek, her lips lingered for a second on my cheek. I’d never thought she’d thought of me as anything more than a friend but that was the moment when I wasn’t sure what to dew.
I wasn’t openly bisexual yet but I had nothing to loose. What would people think? How would I deal with the criticism? I didn’t care I’d find a way. I needed her now, lyke a drug. But I couldn’t find a way to be straight forward with her. How could I bluntly walk up to her and say “Excuse me, will you fall deeply in love with me lyke I have with you and be with me for the rest of our lives?” I couldn’t. I shouldn’t, and I didn’t. And then I developed a horrible skin disorder that would haunt me for what looked lyke the rest of my lyfe.
But it was too late. She was gone; with a love of her own and she paid me no never mind as pain danced lyke fire in my eyes. Every waking moment all she talked about was… him.
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