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"Let go of me!" Cried a girl of around eighteen years of age. Three men backed her into the corner of the pub, pulling at her cloak. "Please, someone help me!"
Seejay Alaric turned away from the pub's empty bar, to observe the situation. The biggest of the three men managed to pull the girl's hood away from her pale skinned face. Seejay recognized her instantly as Alexandria Ceeley, due to her long dark brown hair, and her light brown eyes. The corner of his mouth twitched into a small smirk. She's always getting herself into trouble, he thought to himself.
Alexandria, now cornered by the drunk men, belonged to one of the richest families in all of Bluffking City. In the past, she never would've been caught dead in a place like this, and that made Seejay wonder. She had always been a stuck up little brat, like most of the other rich girls he knew. At the old school yard, she always got the teachers to do things for her, and there was an almost never ending line of boys that wanted to court her. Seejay remembered that at that time, before he had left Bluffking, exiled from his family at the age of twelve, he had never really paid her much attention.
Filled with fear, Alexandria begged, "Please, just let me go. Let me leave."
One of the smaller two men smacked her down, then he turned to his companions and laughed. "Sometimes I wish the girls in this city would just shut up and let me do what ever." The others died of laughter and agreed.
Seejay stood up, knocking his bar stool down. He couldn't watch anymore. He walked towards the men, shrugging off his cloak along the way. He had short brown hair, and a tanned skin tone that complimented it. His eyes were unlike most. Instead of brown or grey, his were a blueish green. His body was built like that of a fighter, and you could tell that he had seen battle at some point in his travels. He looked much more defined for being only eighteen.
As he neared the three drunkards looked at him stupidly, "What're ya looking at, boy?"
Seejay stepped past them, and picked Alexandria up off the floor. "Go wait over there." He said pointing at the bar. Alexandria hurried towards where he had pointed. "Now then," he stated, turning back to the trio of drunks, "to answer your question. I'm looking at a couple of idiots, who are too drunk and desperate, to leave a poor defenseless girl alone."
The big man's face turned red with anger, "You need to learn your place, an' stay outta other people's business, boy."
"What are you going to do? Try and knock me out with your awful breath?"
The smallest of the three men raced forward and lashed out with a fist aimed at Seejay's head. Seejay easily ducked under it and pushed the man backwards with his palm. "You don't want to try that again." Seejay warned.
The man ignored the warning and surged forward again. Seejay caught the man by the arm and flipped him onto a table. Then he dropped his elbow on the man's face, knocking him out cold. The second man charged full speed, only to get flung back by getting kicked in the chest by Seejay. The man tripped as he staggered back, hitting his head on a table, knocking him out as well.
"It's up to you now." Seejay stated. "Unless you would rather apologize and leave."
Alexandria stared in awe at Seejay. "Wow..." she muttered to herself.
"Screw you an' that whore!" The last remaining man yelled, as he rushed forward, throwing punches left and right.
The punches were all to easy for Seejay to dodge. After the third miss, Seejay made his move. He open palmed the man on the side of his head, following that with an uppercut. The man stumbled back, tripping over tables and chairs. Once he regained his sense of balance and looked at where Seejay had been standing, he saw nothing. Seejay's hand grabbed the back of the man's shirt, lifting him off the ground.
"Last chance to apologize." Seejay said with grim amusement.
"Fat chance." said the man, struggling to get out of Seejay's grip.
"Okay then." Seejay heaved the man to his left, sending him through a window onto the street. A couple of the confused people looked through the window, trying to figure out what had happened.
Seejay walked over to the table where his cloak lay, picked it up, and replaced it on his body. He walked past the bartender, who was as awestruck as Alexandria, "Sorry about that." He winked at Alexandria as he passed her, then he left the pub chuckling quietly to himself.
- Title: A Prince's War Opening
- Artist: CJMac100
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Description:
The opening to a story I'm working on. I would love some feedback and tips.
NOTE: I have this and more posted at deviantART - Date: 12/03/2012
- Tags: princes opening cjmac
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Comments (2 Comments)
- Bald Aguila - 09/28/2013
- But I see you have more on deviantART, so maybe that will answer my questions. Anyway, 5/5!
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- Bald Aguila - 09/28/2013
- I think this is excellent! The whole bar thing--drunk guys picking on a girl--for the opening is pretty common, but even so, you wrote it really well. Good character development, and you tied in the descriptions of the characters without changing the pace of the story. (That's something I'm not very good at myself.) The only thing I see wrong with it is that it doesn't really explain the setting of the story line very well. I'm wondering what kind of timeline this story is set in.
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