• "Why are you so heartless?"
    I've been asked this question many times by many different people and normally I just shrug and say "That's just how I am." This time was different though; just the way the boy said it and was affected by it, stirred something inside me, and willed me to want to explain to him. I laughed, "Well do you really want to know, or are you just hurt by my comment?" He glared at me for a moment before letting out a sigh and said "I am curious to know why you can’t treat guys without being cold and unforgiving."
    "Well OK, but it’s the same reason anyone else would"
    "And why's that?"

    She looked me directly in the eyes, with her cold, always changing ones and said only one word "Pain."
    I didn't say anything, and just waited for her to continue. She looked away and just stared out the window before she started.
    "I guess the best way to sum it up is with a saying from my sister: So you gave your heart to you crush, only for him to spit it back out at you, and then Mr. Right took it only to decide he didn't want it." She wasn't looking at my but at her clasped hands in her lap. She didn't do anything for a few moments, but I was afraid if I said something she wouldn't finish. So I just waited; after what seemed like forever, she very quietly started rambling,

    "It starts when you’re younger, and you're not sure of what you’re feeling. Boy meets Girl, teases her, so she teases back and it’s an exchange we call "love". Boy grows up along with Girl and teasing becomes flirting. As you grow up, the rules of "love" change with what we have come to believe as the understanding. But along with the new feelings of flirting and sweet teasing, Girls and Boys discover the pain that comes along after the affection is gone. While still young, you don’t give up hope that you’ll find that fluttering again, and you do. But what happens when you keep getting hurt after every time you find that joy. You start fearing that that’s all you find is pain so you become more cautious, more serious." I paused for a moment, trying to gather where my thoughts had gone. I don’t know why I was opening up to this boy. Maybe I’m telling him to let someone see who I really am, or maybe to help him with understanding my situation better, or maybe just because I need to get it out. Whatever the reason was it didn't matter now because I wasn't stopping till it was out.

    "Have you ever had an untouchable crush?" she asked. I gave her a questioning look before answering "I don’t think I follow." She gave me an exasperated eye roll and explained "An untouchable crush. Ya know one that you know you'll have forever but it'll always just be a crush. Where you'll like the person but never do anything to actually make it a real thing because you don’t want to lose that sense of sweet satisfaction of always having an untainted crush?" I nodded in understanding but answered with "well I don’t think I have, but I get what you’re saying."

    "Well my untouchable crush is sweet, rebellious and I've known him since I was little. I don’t see him often, and I never really have so it was easy to imagine him as the perfect White Knight. I kept him in the back of my mind, as slowly I met guys I liked; I dated; and ultimately lost guys. Slowly from many failures at having a good relationship, I started to give up hope that I would ever find someone as great as my crush." "And then my crush himself admitted he liked me as much and for as long as I liked him. I was exuberant and could hardly contain my happiness. We tried to work things out but we had some major road blocks that ultimately separated us. When it was completely assured I had no more chance with him, I was devastated. I truly believed, and still do, that I love him. My heart was already battered and beaten from previous relationships though, so when I lost him my heart was crushed." The boy cut in here "So you closed yourself off." I hadn't noticed it, but by now tears were rolling down my eyes, and all I could do was nod.

    I didn't know what to do. I doubt there are many people who have seen the strong, scary women cry and here she was sitting across from me, just letting her tears go unchecked. I wanted to put my hand out and reassure her. I lifted my hand up, only to stop short at her glare. I put my hand back down and just urged her to continue. "So then what does the other part of your sisters saying mean?" She gave me a wry smile and replied "I used to be a hopeless romantic. I used to believe that I would still find someone who would carry me away, and that I just needed to wait it out."

    I took a deep breath and continued, “After that I found that guys weren't really worth my affection, so I either used them or wouldn't give them a chance. I don’t really remember how long I went treating guys like that, before I met Mr. Right. I met Mr. Right one morning while I was catching up with an old friend. Turns out they were friends and my friend introduced us. It had been a while since I had spent time with any of my boy toys and my walls had slowly been lowering themselves by the time I met Mr. Right. He's everything I look for in a boyfriend, a husband, a best friend. We talked, we got to know each other, and I fell in love." I paused for a moment, caught up in the memory of our first meeting.

    She smiled, and even through the pain you could see the joy in her eyes. I hadn't realized until know what I had gotten myself into. It's a little overwhelming, to know she has opened up to me and I don’t know what to do with the information. "Well this is what I get for wanting to help" I thought to myself. "I've never realized how misunderstood she is, and I wonder what everyone thinks of her. I wonder what she will think of me now that she has willing let her guard down to me." I was cut short in my own musing as she started, more boldly, into the rest of her story.

    "It wasn't easy opening up to him and having to relearn what it meant to be in love. I tried my hardest for him though, and I wanted to be everything for him. It didn't last though...I guess in passing, our problem was that we were looking for too much in such little time...O well, not going to change anything now." I had stopped crying by now. I wiped up my face, sat up straighter and continued, "He wants to be a spy, and he always used to joke that he was a Ninja. Well he had taken my heart and I was content with him having it. Until that is, he decided it wasn't good enough for him and that he needed someone better than me. I couldn't take it, and neither could my heart. So instead of ever having to feel that pain again, I put my heart in a locked box with no key, and it’s been buried where no one will find it." "So now you know."

    I didn't know what to say, so I said the first thing that came to my mind "I’m so sorry to hear that." Well this apparently was not what she wanted to hear. She said through clenched teeth "I didn't tell you this so you could feel sorry for me. I didn't tell you this for you to think there was something wrong with me. And I certainly didn't tell you any of this for you to feel you have to help me." She paused for a moment to compose herself, grab her stuff and get up. As she was leaving, she turned around and finished "I'm happy with whom I am, and I’m not going to change, and I’m undoubtedly not going to expect anything from you." She stalked away as if we hadn't even had this conversation, as if nothing had changed and as if she owned the world.

    I just stared as she got up and left. I've seen her in a new light and I don’t think that will ever change. I sat there for a while, just thinking aloud. “Why do people search for love, even after they've been hurt?” “Why is love so important?” “Is love worth it?” “Is love for anyone?” It took some time before I stopped talking aloud and finally got up to leave.

    My views of this mysterious and misunderstood young girl have given me hope and I think maybe...just maybe…I could get her to love me...