• I came from a little elementary school called Prairie and had been attending to Washington Junior High School since 2005. Some people say that real relationships start during high school, but in this generation some start during 8th grade. I always thought of having a boyfriend myself, and I've had my eyes set on a pair of beautiful deep blue eyes: Wence Karmen. He was a small friend from Prairie and we've never really talked much; we were in the same class a couple of times in the past. Ever since the winter of 5th grade, he's stolen my heart. Wence was smart, he was nice, he wouldn't pick on anyway, he was good in sports, and he was cute. The unfortunate part was that we were never really close friends, so it would've been a long shot to attain him.
    When 8th grade started, everything was awkward with him, because when I signing his yearbook the year before, I had signed something that he would never forget: A confession.
    "Wence, I'm really shy to say, but I like you. Hiromi Suzuki"
    Ever since that day, his friends and him have been looking at me weirdly, and they've been telling me some things.
    September 24, 2007, I decided I was going to ask him out, but how? I wasn't able to tell him my feelings for him face to face, how would I be able to ask him out? My heart had been fluttering nonstop since that thought, my face would not stop flushing, I couldn't help my feelings for him. When I got onto my computer, I signed into AIM. My close friend, Grace Joseph, was online.

    supahazn2damaxx: omg gracee! wat do i do now? i confessed 2 wence, but he's not really doing n e thing about it! =(
    kittyninja4evah: umm duh cuz you just told him you liked him. what's he supposed to do?!
    supahazn2damaxx: idk.... wat should i do?
    kittyninja4evah: ask him out goddammit!
    supahazn2damaxx: wanna help me find a way?!
    kittyninja4evah: face to face, duh. best way
    supahazn2damaxx: im 2 shy!! >< n e other options??
    kittyninja4evah: hmm...... letter?
    supahazn2damaxx: hmm... thats a good idea! help me?
    kittyninja4evah: ......lemme think of something

    She seemed like she was typing nonstop, and my heart would not calm down. Thoughts in my head kept giving me vivid images of Wence and me together, holding hands, walking down the halls and smiling. I could imagine our first date, our first kiss, our first slow dance, our first everything. He was my first crush, and I could not imagine being with anyone else. I was staring blankly at the computer screen, smiling at my fantasies. After a couple of minutes, there was a new message from Grace.

    kittyninja4evah: how about....
    kittyninja4evah: Wence, You already know I like you, but the truth is, I'm shy, and I want to ask you out. I'm nervous around you, that's why I wrote this note, because I knew I wouldn't be able to say it. I have been trying to say it for a while, but I failed. I hope you will at least consider us going out and give me a straight answer. - Hiromi Suzuki

    I read the suggestion that Grace had given to me over and over again, imagining him reading this as well. It was an amazing note to give to him, and it was the only other option that I had.

    supahazn2damaxx: omg! that's so great! im gonna use it!! thnx soooo much gracey!!!
    kittyninja4evah: but you have to promise me that you're gonna confess to him! give him the note! like tomorrow!!
    supahazn2daymaxx: i might >< mayb...
    kittyninja4evah: GODDAMMIT IF YOU DONT I WILL RIP YOUR HEAD OFF!
    kittyninja4evah: you already made the decision so you have commit to it!
    supahazn2damaxx: alright, alright, i will! omg im so nervous! im writing it right now!!

    Then, I immediately took out a green marker and a piece of lined paper, and I started writing. As I was writing, my breathing quickened and I started thinking to myself. Would he accept it? What will happen after I gave it to him? Will we go out? Oh my God, I'm so nervous!
    When I finished the letter, I took a breath in and out to release the tension, and I then put it on my desk, under my pink razor phone, so I would remember to give him the note.
    When I went into my bedroom, my heart still wouldn't settle down. Thoughts kept running through my head, I could not keep my mind off of him or the note. Even when I was lying in my bed, ready to sleep, I still could not stop thinking of him or what the future will hold. As I closed my eyes to sleep, I prayed. Please, give me luck. Let me have the courage to give him the note. Please, make this a happy ending...

    BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP! Bu-dum, bu-dum, bu-dum. The heart started quickly, heat rushed to my face. My eyes shot open, staring at my blank white wall. It was September 25, 2007, the day that would decide everything; the day I would ask my crush out. The day that will never keep everything the same. Something will change, no matter what. I turned my alarm off, went to clean myself up, and changed quickly into something appropriate. When I was in the kitchen, my brother, Mike, was finishing his breakfast to go on his bus.
    "What the heck, why are you awake early?" He asked me.
    "Wow, it's not normal for me to wake up early? Maybe I felt like it."
    "I'll ask you after school, something's fishy," He got up and put his cereal bowl in the sink. "See ya."
    "Whatever." I said, letting the little bits of cereal fall into my bowl. When he walked out the door, I was pouring the milk in and started eating. Then it hit me. When do I give Wence the note? More importantly, when do I give it to Wence when he's alone? Wence always had his friends around him, and they always made fun of me because I liked him. Before my decision on asking him out, I asked two of his friends if he liked me; Harris and Terrence. First, they didn't tell me, but then Harris was the first to spill, saying, "Yes he likes you! What are you going to do, ask him out?!"
    I had replied with, "No! I'm way too shy!"
    "Well, he's shy too!" was Harris' response.
    Then Terrence confirmed it.
    After my breakfast, I put the note in my pocket and I got ready to set out for school. I had to think fast though, because Wence and his friends all sat on my bus. Finally, I thought that during supervised study was the best time to give it to him. That was in about 6 hours; could I wait that long? My heart was beating hard again, and my breathing became heavy. All the anxiety was filling up my lungs, and I kept breathing in and out, hoping that the nervousness would leave.
    When I stepped out of my house, the cool breeze came up to meet me, trying to cool down my hot cheeks. The sun was rising and the sky was red, orange, purple, blue, and indigo, all at the same time. There were no clouds in sight, and the only sounds I could hear were the birds chirping, greeting everyone that was awake. I walked to the bus stop, and the bus had coincidentally gotten there as well. When I stepped up into the bus, I scanned the rows of heads. I saw Harris' and Terrence's heads, and Wence's other friends: Garrison and Jim, the twins, Owen, and Fred. They were all staring at me, like they suspected my actions. I quickly looked away, finding a seat near the Emergency Exit window. The bus drove forward, and I looked outside, watching the houses and trees pass, one by one. When the bus came to a stop, its doors opened, inviting the classmates in. I looked up and there he was: his hair was short and bleached, his beautiful blue eyes staring into mine, but no expression on his face. My heart starts beating ten times as fast as it usually did, heat immediately rushed to my cheeks, and my stomach had fluttering butterflies that were trying to find a way out. I quickly look away as he kept walking forwards, passing me, and sitting down with his friends in the back of the bus. Will I be able to do this?
    Five minutes before class was going to start, I went to one of my best friend, Diana's homeroom. I pulled her away from the friends she was talking to.
    "I'm going to do it." I whispered to her, with a serious look on my face.
    Diana looked at me in shock after reading my expression. "Oh my God, really?!" She then hugs me and continues, "No matter what happens, I'm always here for you, okay?"
    "Yeah, thanks. I'm thinking of giving it to him during 6th period."
    "Good luck!" She says, pulling me away from her. "No matter what he says or does, you're not alone."
    "Thanks, Diana!" I said, smiling, the heat rushing back to my cheeks again.
    "What's going on here?" Rita asked, walking towards us.
    "Hiromi's going to ask Wence out."
    "What?! Oh my God, really?!" Rita's expression was different than Diana's; it was like a more playful "not again" expression. "Well, good luck!" She gave me a thumbs up.
    "Thanks you guys! I love you all!" Then the bell rang, and I rushed to my class.

    1st period-- pass
    2nd period -- pass
    3rd period -- pass
    4th period -- pass

    Towards the end of 5th period, which was lunch, most of my friends had found out that I was going to ask Wence out. Many told me good luck, some told me it was a bad idea, but I've made up my mind. When the passing period bell rang, my heart started beating hard again. My legs felt like they were going to give in when I started going up the stairs to my locker. When I'd gathered my books for my 6th period class, I shoved my hand in my pocket and pulled out the note, taking one last deep breath. I went out to the hallway, I looked to my left: no Wence. Then I looked to my right. My heart almost skipped a beat. He was there, opening his locker, books in one hand, other hand on his lock. My legs almost felt like they were melting, my hand were suddenly shaking from the anxiety, my heart felt like they were a drum set in a concert, and my face grew hot like I just ran a 5k mile.
    I walked over to Wence, trying to breath normally. "Wence?" He turned his head, our eyes meeting, almost melting my heart away. I have to keep going. "Um, can you read this?" I felt like one of those typical school girls in mangas who'd always confess with a letter to the most popular guy in school. My hand held the note out and I waited. It felt like minutes had passed when it was only merely two seconds that had pass.
    He dropped his books from his left hand, at the same time, he looked at me, then at the note. Finally, he reached for the note, taking it. "Thanks..." He mumbled, making my heart beating against my chest, like it wanted me to leave. I walked away, then smiled widely, with my cheeks feeling like they were blushing rosy pink. When I got to my seat, I sighed from relief. Finally, I've given him the note.

    But that wasn't the end, yet.
    A week later, he had not given me an answer. The only contact that we've made was eye contact, and nothing else. I could not wait anymore for his answer. We were outside for 10 minute recess, it was a good day outside; about 60 degrees out, nice cool breeze. Our group of friends were sitting on the cement staircase.
    "Do you want me to ask for you?" Grace offered.
    "Really? Could you do that?" I asked, eager for her to go ask.
    "Yea, but someone has to go with me. Come on, Hiromi!"
    "No! I'm not going! He's going to think I'm a weirdo!" I said, covering my face behind the staircase. I didn't want Wence to see me hiding out while he was playing basketball with his friends.
    "Come on, someone come with me to ask him!" Grace asked. In the end, Amanda went, but only to stand in a distance. I peaked from behind the staircase as Diana, Rita, and Mary watched Grace's actions.
    "Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God," Diana kept repeating over and over again. "She's coming back!" My face was truly blushing then and my stomach were unwillingly performing backflips as I sat on the steps.
    Grace was in front of me.
    "So?"
    "We went —well, I went and called him over and said, 'Hiromi wants to know your answer.' And he smiled kinda sweetly and apologetically and said, 'Sorry, I'm not looking for a girlfriend right now, sorry.'" Grace reported.
    It seemed like minutes passed again before I could let the information sink in. He... does not like me.
    I expected something else, something along the lines of "yes." Or if he said no, I expected a few tears spilling from my eyes.
    There weren't any.
    "O-oh, I see," I finally spoke. "Haha, I see."
    "Are you okay? I'm sorry, Hiromi." Diana said.
    "It's okay, I'm fine! Really! I expected to cry, but see? I'm not crying at all!" But in my heart, I couldn’t see this happening. All my thoughts, all the images in my head, they were only dreams, fantasies, the things that I wanted to see. They're not coming true, they won't come true... How did this happen? This wasn't how I saw it... I saw Wence say yes, I saw us holding hands, I saw us smiling together.... Together.
    The bell rang and everyone rushed back inside, as I just took my time, my friends by my side, cautious, worrying about me. They had their guards up, just in case I bursted into tears, allowing their shoulders to be free so I could cry on them. Those tears did not come.... I have not fallen yet; I was still up high, I still had my sanity, but when will I fall and suddenly burst into tears?
    Still, since that day, I couldn't stop thinking about Wence. I always thought, "Aren't stories about love supposed to end with the normal 'happily ever after'? Where'd mine go?" but I realized that most of them aren't like fairy tales, because fairy tales have their own ups and downs. His friends still made fun of me, with him standing there, doing nothing but playing along. When time passed by, Wence seemed to become a pushover; doing whatever his friends said, unable to speak for his own most of the time; he couldn't stand up for himself. Whatever made his friends happy he'd do it, but he didn't come to realize that whatever his friends wanted wasn't always the best. His making fun of me started hurting me, and time passed by... To the summer, my love for him started dying, finally realizing all the time I have wasted on him, all the hurt I faced for him, all my efforts for him... It was for nothing, it was for a boy. One boy. And that boy has changed, that boy has told me what his true feelings were. That boy was my imagination; I didn't know who he really was. And I fell for that boy that did not exist.
    From then on, I promised myself that if I were to fall for another boy again, I would first come to know who he was before telling myself, "I will go after him, because I have that feeling once again." Even though I may waste my time, I told myself that love was always worth it. Always...

    *September of 2008*
    It's been a year since my asking Wence out; one of my biggest mistake in my life. First mistake? My confession. Freshman year of high school has taken it's start, and I was on the bus with my brother. A Black Eyed Peas song was playing from my iPod, and I stared outside of the window while the bus comes to a stop, waiting for the streetlight to turn green. I stared down to the car next to us, and then I saw a boy. He was different from Wence; he wasn't a blonde, he didn't have short hair, and there was most definitely not a pair of blue eyes to stare into. He was a brunette, but I coudn't see his face. Suddenly the bus started without me realizing. When the bus turned, I saw his face and I was dumbfounded. His face was perfectly.... cute. It was something I couldn't imagine if I had never saw him. Then I suddenly realize what I was about to let myself drown in; dreams, fantasies, imaginations that would never happen again. He's probably some junior high kid, or an upper class man; most definitely not a freshman like me.
    A couple of weeks later, after forgetting him, I suddenly saw that same face that had me in shock.... and he was opening a freshman locker. On his locker were decorations for cross country; I saw them all over the other freshman, sophomore, junior, and senior lockers and I remembered one thing: they all had names on them. When he walked away, I purposely glanced at his locker and on it had a name: Michael.
    I was falling again, but in a good way. My new friends were friends with him, and I had started talking to him some months later. We were becoming friends, and hopefully later, more than that. Let's hope this one ends with a happily ever after.

    [edit] But guess what? I let myself fall again, fall too deeply. Yes, we were friends, yes we were getting along... But we weren't tight friends. We were just friends; friends of a friend, nothing more. I probably did show signs of liking him... but there was a mistake I made.
    Turnabout. Yes, I asked him...using a connect-the-dots piece of paper that spelled out "Will you go 2 turnabout w/ me?" Yeah, I was nervous, and yeah, I avoided him the whole day until after school. Yes, he rejected me, but why? Because someone already asked him before me. I don't know when this girl asked him, maybe the day before I did, or maybe fifteen minutes before me. But I was too slow.
    The way he rejected me was careful, so it wouldn't hurt my feelings and he made it sound in a way that he was really saying, "I really want to go with you, but I already promised someone." What he said was:
    "I got your note thing.... Uh, sorry, but I already told my friend that I would go to turnabout with her. But we're not going as boyfriend and girlfriend. Anyway, I'm really sorry."

    Facebook made me fall deeper. His posts with his friend Davis made me realize maybe.... maybe he liked me. The post went on like this:
    Davis Summers - so....
    did u say yes? or r u still deciding? Its not that hard. Luky duk
    Michael Conners - Davis, I had to say no cuz I'm already going with someone.

    Then, I thought Wait.... he said no to me... What does he mean by he HAD to say no? Did he WANT to go with me? I continued reading.

    Davis Summers - but ur not going OUT, just as a friend... as u sed earlier
    Michael Conners - But I'm not gonna go with 2 people...
    Davis Summers - u'lll look like a pimp
    go W/ hiromi, and just... go as a friend w/ that Sam thing...

    I stopped for a second. Wait, does that mean he WANTED to go with me? Whoa... that means... Then I shook my head. Hiromi, shuddup. We can't get ahead of ourselves... Let's finish reading....

    Michael Conners - Umm... No...
    Davis Summers - y not? ur luky but ur wastin it
    did u tell her?
    Michael Conners - Yea I told her.
    Davis, just for future advice, it's probably not a good idea to say the things you're saying.
    Davis Summers - eh...? wuddu mean
    im not sayin ANYTHING thats offensive
    i mean, ur luky to have somebody, and dont waste it man
    Michael Conners - u basically said u'd go with 2 people if u had the chance
    Davis Summers - no, i mean like
    go w/ the other persom as a frend, and Hiromi as a closer friend
    and btw, swimming isnt 2 bad... just not all2fun

    And it ended like that. I wish that they had said more, something that could have told me that he liked me.... Because after he went to turnabout with that girl..... We weren't so close anymore. Months passed by.... until... June.... Not sure about what day, but don't care now... Facebook announced Michael having a relationship with a so called Mandy Lewis. When I saw that, my heart broke and shattered once again, but this time.... I cried. I cried silently to myself, and this time I needed my friend's comfort.
    The wallposts between Michael and Davis on facebook reassured me that he liked me, that we would be together maybe. But in the end, it was just another fantasy I made up. Many told me I'm too good for him... But what I saw was that I didn't give him enough hints that I liked him. That I just looked at that wall post as proof that he liked me... In the end, maybe he didn't like me.... I always thought he'd be my first boyfriend, and I'd be his first girlfriend.... Now.... Mandy Lewis is his first girlfriend.... And me? Single...
    Another fairytale I had hoped for.... burnt.
    Now, October 2009. I'm single. And I don't care. I keep getting my heart broken because of my crushes. Sure, maybe I want a boyfriend. But I want a good boyfriend. I don't want some little fling, I want the real deal, a relationship. And I've always heard, "When you least expect it, happiness will come to you." So... I'm just waiting now... Enjoying life..... Single. With my friends, my family. That one person will come whenever he wants, and he will find me. I don't know how, and I don't know when. But I'll be waiting. Always.