• I was never quit sure what it all meant. The sadistic drawings of little girls chasing heart shaped balloons, the evil dolls. I never knew what it would lead to, the broken hearts drawn all over my note books and school papers. The feeling that was over whelming me, the one I couldn’t get away from. The monsters that haunted my dreams to the point that I could see them during the day, the spasms and mood swings. Everything was changing, I was loosing friends that I never thought would leave, my life was slipping, temptation was setting in, drugs, alcohol. I wanted to know them, what they were like. I wanted to feel them pulse though my veins, I wanted to feel something. I was numb, slipping, dropping, falling, and I was heading steadfast for the bottom. At the bottoms were the monsters. The pain killers, the guns, the drugs, the alcohol, the razors, they were waiting for me. They wanted to get to know me again, see the changes I’ve gone though since the last meeting. I told them I was leaving, and never coming back. I was wrong. I don’t know what to do anymore, my life is spiraling to the abyss I hoped I would never have to fall down again.
    I’ve felt a fall from grace before, and oh at the time it was a wonderful rush. A whole new pain that I could experience, and I loved it, I love the rush of metal against my skin, of alcohol in my blood, of the rope around my neck. I loved it, but when I hit the floor after my failed attempt to hang my self, I hit reality. I needed out, I didn’t want it to spiral more out of control. I needed fresh air, I needed light, and I needed life. I wanted to breathe, so I decided to take the climb. I strapped my self into my safety harness I called friends and family, and I started to the top, promising never to return, and I did it. I saw the sun break though the darkness, I felt it warm on my skin, I herd laughter and happiness, and knew, just knew this is where I belonged.
    Now, oh god why now, I’m going to be a freshmen in high school, that’s not going to make this any easier. I’m fighting again, fighting for my sanity. I’m holding on for my life, my soul, but its slipping though the cracks. It’s dripping out like I’m trying to hold water. I’m letting go, I can’t hold on, and now I will fall. I take the jump, surrender. So here I am, lying sprawled out on a cold hard floor, my heart splattered next to me, my soul gone to the razors. I feel like I’m being attacked, suffocated by these demons. There holding me down, telling me that I wont leave this time, I can’t get away, I’m theirs.
    I sit in bed, I wonder, oh god why, why me? That’s a good question, one that may never be answered, but its always good to hope, even lying in the pit of darkness, waiting for death, I’m still hoping, praying, believing someone will save me. Even as I cry and watch the blood flow from my wrist, I hope. When I feel that alcohol enter my system, I hope. When I feel like there is nothing I can do but sit and die, I hope.