• Give me a second, Meyer, I need to get ready for this one, because, my dear shitty Author of the night, this is going to be a long one. I am not sure whether to leave this til' tomorrow, and give myself the time to soothe my searing eyes, and calm my fiery rage, or if I should say ******** it to the sweet release of sleep (you know, the thing -some- vampire do during the day), and jot down a few notes on the horror that you call a 'film'.

    I bet you can guess what I chose, my dear sweet lady..
    I bet you can..

    I woke up this morning, believing that your movie wouldn't be as much of a hack-job as I assumed it would be, I thought that I had possibly overreacted, and my ill-will towards your suddenly popular pieces of poorly written, googled vampires, was all just a big misunderstanding, and as stated in my previous note to you,Meyer, I had hopes, I had faith, I gave you my heart, baby, and you ripped it apart.

    First, I start on the fans. Yes, I bought one of your silly shirts, yes I wore it to your silly movie, but it was Team Jacob, you know, the character that actually used the brain in his head, versus the one in his d**k, and I waited in line the five hours, just to say that I did it, but what do I see, but a whole line of girls wearing these shirts with Edward's disgustingly botched face on them, and the sayings.. ******** shitty a** quotes from your book, that I wished I had never read. "And the lion fell in love with the lamb". I CAN NOT TELL YOU ENOUGH, how overused this quote it. EVERYWHERE, what, Meyer, was the heroin quote just not enough for you? The reference to drugs just wasn't far enough out there for you, you just have to put it all on these shirts to have shoved in my face because OMG MY IKKLE EDDY-WEDDY POO IS SO ROMANTIC,HE KNOWS HOW TO TREAT A GIRL.

    If I hear ONE more person talk about how they wished Edward were real, or they were a vampire themselves, I will drive a stake through their mislead little hearts, Meyer, and when I am taken to prison, I will blame it on you, all on you.. Your sweet, seductive voice told me to do it, for it smelled wonderful, of death, and stale blood, and I can not ignore what my master tells me to do.

    Which brings me to another point.. The love of vampires used to be looked down upon, I used to be the weirdo in class, because I know who Vladimir and his father were, because I knew the lore, and knew the ways of all kinds of vampires. It was wonderful, and then you came along, and crushed on my love, you took the lore that I worked so hard to memorize, and you s**t on it, by writing these books. Now that Twilight is so popular, all I hear about is how 'cool,' vampires are, and how 'sexy,' and 'mysterious,' they are. Do these children not know that a vampire is nothing but a deceitful aristocrat? A vampire is not sexy, he or she is capable of ******** into making one believe that they are beautiful,yes, but in the end, they are monsters, and you, Meyer, have made Vampires a fad.

    ..How..How could you do this to me?..

    All I ever wanted was a life with my Bram Stoker, Anne Rice, and an array of other vampire novels, to live in peace, where no one can look at my fanged fascinations, and want one just because of the 'romantic,' part of it. Meyer, a vampire can live forever, but he can not stand a companion forever. It is impossible, it is not real, and your vampires and their background, personalities, and ways of life, are nothing but a half-assed report from Wikipedia. Shame on you. And now, because of your ickle Eddy-kins and his undying love for some manipulative, selfish whore, everyone and their brother loves vampires. Everyone wants to be a vampire, everyone is lumping me in with the Twilight fags.

    oh yes, Meyer, I said it. Because of debauchery, I am no longer 'the kid who knows things about vampires,' I am now merely a 'vampire wannabe,' or 'Twilight fan'. Let me get this straight, lady, I read Twilight, I read all four books, I watched your movie, but I know who Vladimir the Impaler is, I know the difference between a good vampire, and a vampire who was shat on, and called a character, I know lores and legends, and the many different names of vampires from all around the room, I am in no way, a creation of your books. I was here first, you c**k-sucking whore, and I will remain one of the ORIGINAL. Ever since I was a youngin',b***h. Beat that.

    Now, I had fun ******** with people, I proclaimed that my s**t had more personality than your main character, but I couldn't help but worry about the movie itself. I heard that your actors proclaimed that 'sparkling,' was just too much, and I believed you, Meyer, I thought that you had done something right, for once in your miserable existence, but that is to come later...

    I had to RUN to my seat, because your silly little thirteen year old fans thought it funny to PUSH and SHOVE people out of the way, just to get to the theater first. Needless to say, whichever c**t-rocket decided to shove me, would have taken a nasty fall,but lucky for your fun-providing fans, no one was injured. We sat down, waited through the previews,and then it began.. I hadn't even seen the title 'Twilight,' before I was laughing. It's something about the way that it was put together that just screamed 'Low budget,' to me, and then I was informed that MTV was the one who bought the rights to your disgusting books.. MTV, really? I half expected Edward to start rapping to some ill-conceived song, while Rosalie and her ghetto bootah freaked with Emmett in the corner, and Alice and Jasper tripped on acid...

    You know what..

    That should have been the movie, ******** it, I would have enjoyed it more than the real thing.

    The actors are terrible, there are only a few that I can say I enjoyed, and other then that, the acting itself was the worst I have seen. Low budget porno flicks had better acting than this movie. It was as if Bella had no emotion, she remained looking as if she were completely baked the whole movie. Edward seemed that he had to take a massive dump, and other then the fact that they spent almost the whole movie staring oh so lovingly into each others eyes, Edward spent half of the goddamn thing whining about how he was just SOOOO dangerous, and didn't want to hurt his precious Bella-Shnookums, while Bella disagreed, because she had just fallen unconditionally in love with him in two weeks, because that is just SO realistic! Let's not mention the fact that some guy who has murdered people, sits in her room at night and watches her sleep, no, that's ROMANTIC.

    ..******** kids these days.

    What, oh what am I missing.. Oh,yes.. As if my row of friends and I were not laughing hard enough at the movie, it finally came to the part I had been dreading..

    Slowly, Edward makes his way towards the bright patch of sunlight that somehow tore its way through the treetops, his hair blowing gently in the wind as he spoke. "Do you want to see what I really am, Bella? What we really are?" He seemed to growl the words, an air of irritation, and something of sorrow to his voice as he went, his hands working almost clumsily to undo the buttons of the plaid shirt that he wore, his almost caramel colored eyes on his pale skin as he moved, just a little farther.. He was afraid of what she would say, how this silly little human would react to what was about to happen, and without a single look back, he hurled himself into the rays of the sun, his skin a dazzling array of light, as if he were a diamond in the sun..

    OH YES, HE SPARKLED. He ******** SPARKLED. Did I mention that the special affects were -SO- ******** terrible, that it seemed as if the camera had ******** up, and you decided that it was just too god damned hard to figure out, so you decided to throw glitter on him. GLITTER, really? Is this how your actors want to be remembered?

    "So,you played Edward Cullen in Twilight?" "Uh,yeah, it wasn't much, I was really only in it for the pay.." " I'm sorry, sir, I don't think you're right for the job,we want someone a little less.. Gay."

    I couldn't ******** believe this s**t! The only saving grace in the whole god damned thing was the fact that Carlisle was SMOKIN', and the relationship between Alice and Jasper was so god damned interesting, I didn't give a s**t if Edward or that attention whore Bella was on screen, I just nodded off during those..Few hours..

    Did you really have to spend all that god damned time with them staring into each others eyes and whining about just how breakable Bella is,and how they can't stand to be apart? I ******** get it,they're your usual hormonal driven teenagers, although Edward is the ***** in the equation.. I mean, if you took out ALL the writing you just did of them STARING at each other, your book wouldn't even be two-hundred pages long, and with that, the movie would not have made me want to smash my face into a hard object.

    The special effects were s**t, and as I had stated earlier, the acting just didn't do it for me. It was like I was in hell, and Meyer, you were Satan. I would have rather masturbated with sandpaper, than watched that thing. I realized half-way in, a little bit too late,oops, that the thing, just wasn't worth my money. ********, I could have waited til' it was uploaded on the Internet,and watched it in the comfort of my own home, you know, where I can just say 'to hell with it,' close the window, and watch a real ******** movie. Thank GOD the workers had a sense of humor at the god damned theater, or I would have shat right in the middle of the ******** room.

    You see, we were laughing -so- hard at your attempt at riches, we annoyed a few people, who decided to be douche bags and complain, and you know what the staff did? Nothing, they didn't give a s**t. How sad is it, that even the STAFF at the theater that is showing YOUR movie, thinks it sucks SO ******** bad, that they'd rather sit with their dicks in their hands, then take care of a few hecklers who were ruining your movie for your fans? Awe, man, I wish I can see the look on your money-loving face.

    My last complaint, although it isn't much of an argument, is the fact that I saw you,Meyer. I did. In that scene at the little diner, you were handed a coffee, and of course, no one but me and my friends caught it, because I actually read your books cover, not for shits, but so I can spot you in a crowd, and then take you the ******** out before you disappear again, not without giving you a good lesson on your Mormon loving ways. Vampires with no fangs because of your religion,really? Yet you condone:

    Killing yourself to become a vampire, overdosing on medication to sleep, leading men on, being self-centered, marrying JUST to have sex, attempted suicide(come on,assholes, we all know that when she jumped off that cliff at La Push, she was trying to off herself), being barefoot and pregnant, the murder of humans, the murder of animals(the blood is taken, the body is wasted), discrimination, having someone else basically buy your way into college, marriage at a tender age, an unrealistic view on relationships, and unrealistic view on love, an unrealistic view on men, sex, sex, and oh, more sex.

    I see what you did there, Meyer.

    You hypocritical Mormon b***h.

    P.S. I heard about the fifth book that you are writing, and am willing to hunt your a** down and take out your eyes, so you will never write again. Don't you think you've ******** with Jacob Black enough? Now we have to sit through a whole ******** book about their Satan spawn, and how perfectly-erfect she is?

    No words can describe my rage.

    Like the hot, bright rays of a thousand suns..

    I hate you.

    P.S.S. If I see ONE more review on your god damned movie, ONE more person posting a video on youtube about it, ONE more fan girl talking about it anywhere and everywhere I go, I will ******** kill myself.

    And leave a note with just your name on it.

    This is where I officially jump off the band-wagon.

    I am ******** sick of this s**t.