• I wish sometimes that I could turn a mirror on the world, the nation, the people, the pillars of society and dregs of humanity, and force them to look at themselves as they truly are, not as they like to think of themselves. The poor, the wretched and the suffering would see themselves bathed in gold and light while the great ones would see themselves empty grinning skulls atop heaps of worthless dust.

    This world worships its own evil and yet convinces itself that it is good. We are convinced that we are all good and should be happy and the problem isn't real -- that it's a matter of attitude. We don't have to change our behavior, we don't have to change this world, we just have to think about it differently. If that doesn’t work, there’s always medication …

    True, it is painful to look at this world and the people in it for what they are. But maybe life isn't supposed to be about our own happiness, maybe life isn’t about feeling good. Maybe we are supposed to look anyway and just take it. Why the hell is contentment considered so important? When did selfishness become a virtue? Does it accomplish anything besides lulling us into complacency?

    The funny thing is, our culture would tell me that I have a disease, depression, that sadness is a sickness, that anger is wrong, and that I say these things because I am deluded. I disagree. They are distracted and deluded. And I will not swallow their pills or their explanations and excuses.

    Does it follow logically that only things that feel good and make one happy can be true? That if something hurts it must be false? Of course not, yet that is how most of us function without realizing it. If you hate what this world does to us, what human beings do to each other, if you feel the injustice and pain inflicted upon others, then something must be wrong with you. How dare you not just ignore it and flick on the television or go shopping?

    No one wants to hear any of this. They say that I am being negative and I should be positive. We would all feel better if we just ignore it all, or think about it differently, assume that for some reason beyond our mortal understanding, that all this suffering is actually good, or that the world is what it is for some great reason beyond our own failures and ignorance, that it may suck but that's how things are MEANT to be.

    That optimism, that assumption of fundamental goodness, is a social disease and it kills. The day that I become convinced that this world is what it is because that is God’s will is the day that I turn away from Him and never look back. I’d go to hell with a smile on my face and song in my heart before I spent one minute in any heaven of His. To believe that God orchestrates war, poverty, child abuse, and murder? That when a child is caught in gang crossfire “God took him,” or “It’s God’s will”? This is what passes for faith? No, that is anesthesia.

    My God is not an almighty rapist or child abuser wheedling His ***** puppets toward innocent children. God has never willed anyone to fire a gun. God has never planned a rape. These are lies. These are excuses. And if they are not lies, then Christ died for his own sins. If God is responsible -- if this is His plan and His will -- then what evil of yours or mine could compare to his own? How can we condemn a Hitler, or a bin Laden, if their actions are God’s will, and they are mere instruments of some great plan we can’t understand?

    I can understand believing in a God that is Good. I can understand believing in a God that is Love. I can understand believing that world moves in accordance with God’s will. I cannot understand believing all these things at once. This world is what is it for a reason. But those reasons are not related to any cosmic order mandating pain and injustice. The reasons are human greed, human arrogance, human choices. This is NOT meant to be. This is NOT the plan. This is a crime.

    I understand now how societies of the past destroyed their prophets. Prophets call people to self-examine, to change, to DO something. But no one wants to. It doesn't feel good so it must be bad. And they kill the prophet and pour themselves more wine. We don't kill prophets anymore, we medicate them and "educate" them into silence. We tell them to be quiet; our favorite show is on. But we have the same motivation that the ancients did: We allow ourselves to be manipulated because the lie feels better than the truth.

    It’s difficult for me to write such things, because I know people cling to these beliefs; they need the anesthesia. The truth hurts them too much. I don’t want them to feel pain. But sometimes, I think we have to.