• The hardest challenge in my life is living. The reason why my hardest challenge is living is I've commited some serious sins and basically got the weakest punishment possible by my peers, but I still punish myself with self mutilation. I hurt myself by remembering all the horrid things in my past and by breaking my big toes. I've broken both of them intentionally and I never got them checked by a physician because I want to suffer.. I use the pain from these injuries as a reminder of what I've done and to force myself try and obtain forgiveness. I take no pleasure in what I do for I am not a masochist.
    The victims of what I've done suffer very much emotionally and mentally. Everytime I look them in the eyes I do not see the same person and mentally I'm driven too tears but, I just can't cry. Two of them were completely oblivious to what I did to them. Recently I've them what I did too them hoping for some kind of divine miracle to bring forgiveness to my heart but, they both scorn me with a passion I don't blame them at all for hating me. They deserve to hate me even if they forgive me I will still suffer because I know I won't be able to forgive myself. Even if God were to forgive me can I forgive myself? Especially to an absent entity of creation. How can something so pure remain absent and just observant on what we do, not even interfering when things get bad.
    I wish he interfered in my life especially during my long and painful childhood. It started off fine then I had to start school. School was fun I made friends and had a blast until I lost my best friend to some other person because they had a video game. And soon I lost all my friends and I was left to be friends with the other kids who people hated so dearly. It made no sense to me that I a genius like child was hated. And soon after we moved because our basement flooded and I lost all my dear possessions..
    In the new home I hoped for a better life. It started off great! Then soon started crumbling because I desperate for friends became the tool of some derranged children. They got me stealing things just to feel accepted by them. Soon after I gave them what they wanted they began to dispise me. And sent me out again. I even stole from my parents for them! About $100,000 worth of antique coins for them. That money could have bettered my future I could have not done what I did if I never met these kids and recieved the attention I needed then. And because my mom learned of my stealing she grounded me and kept it going for 5 years even after the day she said it would stop she kept going. Maybe she wanted me close but it hurts me badly I can't even talk about these things to her because she gets over emotional. Epecially when I bring up all the times she was drunk and neglected to care for us. I know she sacrificed alot but she could have done better. She abused me and my sister one night. She clawed us made us stand in the corner for hours, hit us, and was emotionally abusive. So my sister and I got taken from her.
    And then had to move in with our dad who left our mom after numerous fights in the past. So we alterated weekends between the two with dad having complete custody. And on my moms weekends she began brainwashing my sister and I to hate my dad. Yes, I hate him even though I love him. I can never be close to him in my life because the hate that she's engraved so deeply in my mind lingers for eternity.
    Now to talk about the woman who took care of my sister and I all these years. Her name is Kim and she is a self proclaimed martyr. Yes she's sacrificed alot for my sister and I over her son. We were abusive to her in different ways time to time but we still respected her! Even if we hurt her it was because she was forcing herself into a postion we didn't want her in. Eventually we accepted her and well she began her revenge as I call it. She just walks up to you and yells at you contiously over the things I did wrong as a niave little 9 year old. Saying: "You were so abusive to me! You did this and stole from my son!" I did steal from him because I was being manipulated still by those kids at that time and the cards got thrown away so I could never return them. Now back to kim, even to this day the woman persists on her ranting and using the things I did to those people as jokes and she laughs to them just to make me suffer! She makes everything I did seem so horrible. Some things were but the small little kid things? It traumatizes me hearing her words. I try to fight her words back and she'll talk herself in a circle.
    I woke up today severely depressed over these things to hear her yelling at my dad over things he never did. She called him a piece of s**t, good for nothing, a horrible father, and so many other spirit crushing things to him. She said that she'd tell these lies to all his customers, his other children, his family, and worst of all his mother. I divinely hate this woman and yet I give her the respect she claims I never give her. I want to be free from all of this but I never am. I'm stuck here wishing I could see my girlfriend who I met over the internet because if I have a real one they'll go balistic. She's the only person I'm close to I know she is who she claims to be because of so many videos I've seen of her on the web, numerous phone calls, and pictures. It makes me sad that the only thing that has a chance of healing me is 3,092 miles away from where I sit now. She's helped me so much with forgiving myself for these things. She makes them go away for the time I am with her. And helps me help others to forgive myself instead of inflicting pain. The bad thing is when she is away I inflict pain on myself, I try to do what she said to do, and I go siraling backwards into a depression. I've attempted suicide twice in my life and have now sworn to never kill myself. So now I am around forever suffering so badly.