• Twilight. Everyone has heard about it. Spawning a movie which sucked in the mildly good actor Robert Pattinson, who played Cedric Diggory in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Although, general Twilight fans think that there is nothing else in the world besides Twilight, and it's because of those hardcore fans, dubbed "Twitards," that Harry Potter is denied its status as one of the best books of all time. (There are, however, Twilight fans that enjoy Harry Potter. They get a cookie.) But I digress.

    On the whole, it is a horrrible piece of "literature," with no defining qualities other than changing characteristics of well-known monsters. The vampires sparkle. The werewolves can change when it's not a full moon. That's about it.

    Bella Swan is a nervous wreck, basically. She has no personality whatsoever, and is part of the horribly overdone cliche that is falling in love with the "hottest" guy in school. And, what's more, he falls in love with her!

    Cedric Diggory-- I mean, Edward Cullen, is the most desirable guy in school. Hm. Everyone else must be repulsive. He falls in love with Bella quickly, and the sane people of the world facepalm simultaneously.

    Normally, I would quit reading. However, determined to find out why people like the books, I read the whole series.

    So, book one- They fall in love, Bella slowly finds out he's a sparklefairy-- I mean, a vampire. He's a "vegetarian" vampire, meaning he slaughters helpless animals on a regular basis and devours them. They do a bunch of crazy crap for like 500 pages, I don't remember exactly what goes on. It's been a year since I read it, and I don't want to remember it.

    Book two- Edward leaves. Twilight fans cry. ATG'ers (such as myself) cheer. (Oh, yes, people who don't like Twilight HAVE read the books.) Bella is depressed, and she hangs out with Jacob, who she ignored throughout the first book. Jacob turns into a werewolf, stops hanging out with Bella. This takes up like, 400 pages. Can you believe it? Then Alice, Eddykins' sister (not his blood sister.... no pun intended) shows up and is like, "Hey ugly, Darling Eddykins is in Italy, and it going to kill himself." Bella and Alice go to Italy, stop Edward from killing himself. They meet the mean vampires who are going to kill them in a year, or something like that. Again, I don't fully remember.

    Book three- I actually don't remember anything except Bella and Eddykins getting hitched. I guess this one is just a big thesaurus.

    Book four- The "exciting" conclusion. Bella gets knocked up. (In the ATG, there is a big debate as to how. For Edward to get an erection, he needs blood to rush into his.... thing...... anyway, it makes no sense.) Bella has a baby, names it Renesmee. (Renee + Esme, the parents' mothers.) "That's a great name!" cry Twitards. "My first-born daughter's got a name now! Now if only I could get laid...." Anyway. Then Edward turns Bella into a vampire. Her senses are heightened, the's more graceful. (Which is a blessing, she's always knocking crap over.) So there's a big "battle" at the end. No, wait.... actually the good and bad vampires just stare at each other for a while, then Bella walks up to the bad vampires and shows them her baby, and it's over. Finally.

    So then, Twilight kids around the nation boosted the popularity of Muse and Paramore. (Paramore was a blow to me, I really liked them before the Twilight movie. But now, it's ruined.) Twilight kids are now the "emo kids." And chicks around the nation dumped their boyfriends because they just weren't enough like Edward.

    One good thing about Twilight, however: you do get a goo vocabulary from it, because SMeyer used the thesaurus as a bible.

    So, basically, Twilight gets a negative two stars-- keep in mind, that is two stars less than no stars at all. So, guys, don't listen to the hot chick who sits next to you in Biology who says Twilight is really good, and girls, just stop, please.