Singing to Myself

• Artist: Sahri-hime
• Description: I happen to be afraid of the dark, and afraid of not waking up. When I'm afraid, I'm also delusional. So I wrote this one night to try and reassure myself. A few friends liked it, and I hope you will too.
• Date: 07/17/2008
• Tags: sparrowsnightmaredawnnightwings

Even flightless sparrows sing
With worry perched on broken wings
Morning comes, and with it brings
Angels' tears and golden strings

I don't believe in fear, awake
But after stars begin to break
Sleep won't come until dawn's wake
Shatters screams the night makes

I'm only simple, this I swear
Brown eyes and auburn hair
Nothing strange, always there
And yet the fear begins to wear

But flightless sparrows have to sing
To keep from breaking both their wings

Copyrighted to me. Get over it.

Comments

[Sahri-hime]

...This may sound odd, but I really don't think the font color should matter. It's the words that count. So if the color affects the way you score, then you should be in the art arena, not the poetry arena. =/

[Meth Related Nightmare]

Agree with Fizzlesticks. Blue on blue font bugs me though. 4/5

[AviiDollz]

Wow, I love it. Its got a 5 from me.

[Sahri-hime]

Yeah, thanks again for the commentary guys! Like I said, I wrote this one night off the top of my head. I wasn't even really trying to make it good, and I only just convinced myself to submit it. I do like what you're saying, though, and who knows? I may actually look into everything and see if I can't come up with an improved version soon.

[fizznomore]

Good start; this has potential. I'd suggest you look up 'poetic meter' and learn about how rhyme schemes function, though. The awake/wake rhyme was pretty unfortunate, too. But there are some nice moments in there.

[Aen Veritate]

Beautiful, and haunting... I actually find the archaic adds a bit to this piece. The abrupt ending leaves a lasting effect, I find.

Usually the "awake" rhyming with "wake" would be a point of annoyance for me, but I didn't mind in this poem.

*5'd*

[Lord_Aubrey_Shade]

Great rhyming. The second stanza begins to use archaic language (in other words, the way Yoda speaks). Try to avoid this unless you are writing a ballad. It's easy to fix- for example, in the line "I'm only simple, this I swear" you could take out the word "this."
A couple of words seem thrown in at the ends of lines, like they're there just to rhyme. And the poem ends very abruptly. Otherwise, I really like it, good job!