drowing

• Artist: Inu-girl12000
• Description: did this when i ws sad
• Date: 07/31/2008
• Tags: oceandrowningdarkness

Like a dream
flowing and swifting
every thing dark
slowly you open you eyes

you cant breath
you try to swim up
but can only go down
you are drowning

every thing fades
then theres a bright light
then only darkness
befor you know it

its over...

Comments

[Slinkenhofer]

Spelling, punctuation, and grammar.
And "swifting" isn't a real word. It is slang for defecating in public, but I doubt that's what you're going for.
Beyond that, it's just a mash of cliched metaphors that have been beaten to death so many times they're nothing more than a Promethean tragedy. Originality, my dear, goes a very long way with readers.

[Kumajirou-Canada]

Like AlexandriaVy_VampireLord - said...
Capitalize, punctuate, and for
"slowly you open you eyes"
"Slowly, you open your eyes..."
MAKE IT DRAMATIC.
Wrong arena too.

[AlexandriaVy_VampireLord]

This would be better appreciated in the poetry section.
I know it is not standard for people to use correct punctuation, capitals, or spelling, but honestly, at least use real WORDS.
Im going to go out on a limb and say this is about drowning or asphyxiation. It gets the point out. Potential, but satisfactory.

[Faryata]

i think this is as good as Robert frost

[Xxpandy_gives_hugglezxX]

uuhhhmm kinda wrong arena but its still good 4/5

[shred_lennon-starkey]

nice... thats how i feel in school! LOL!

[dropparty]

poem is good but i couldnt rate if i could 5/5