my last breath

• Artist: Archangel Aalador
• Description: bye someone11dawg/lord mega naruto another story to my to be added to my eppic and a bit goth/emo poems i hope u like it so plse tell me if u did be
• Date: 08/21/2008
• Tags:

As I fall to the depths of hell and look down just to see the demons with there spears,swords,and of course the clubs. As they look up at me the raise there weapons as they have been starved for longer than earth was here in this universe or solar system. When i finaly get close to landing they gather around in there circle and raise there weapons up over there head and stab me before i can even hit they ground. As i try to speak all that comes out is blood and organs and the ocasional spider. As i am trying to speak they drop me to the ground and start to eat me as i pull a sword from my heart and destroy the demons surounding me. I walk up just to see saitan looking down upon me as he smashes me with his fist and throws me in the fire. As I burn the last breaths on my lips carry these words I will still survive and i shall destroy my fears and find my purpose on this earth so i shall go on i shall stand back u.......uuu.....up.................................................

Comments

[9tabbycat]

that was really good.....

[KayleyV2]

There's nothing wrong with using scientific words if they fit the context of your poem. However, this seems more like a random muse than a poem. You have a good idea, but its not composed well. Your thoughts are extremely scattered, there are a multitude of errors in spelling and grammar, and there is not much relevance to the story at all. You have creativity but you need to work on the composition. If your thoughts are scattered and conveyed poorly, they won't be taken seriously.

[Shieru Ritsuka]

i like the ending but u need to get away from science words like organs and ocationall and when ur writing dont stop and think just keep pushing ur penicl (or ur fingers if ur typing) because when u do that ur moving from the left side of ur brain(math and science) to ur right (which is where ur imagination is) so yea it was pretty good